Read April's's The Edge as a PDF - The Edge Magazine

HIGH FINANCE
We’re all painfully aware of the
financial quagmire our country is
mired in and, thanks to a couple of
mentions in this very publication
and, possibly, Jeremy Clarkson,
you’re probably aware that the public
sector is bearing the brunt of
central government’s cutbacks and
austerity measures.
ME & MY adamantium
skeleton
It’s only April, giving us a full 8
months until December, and yet I’m
already sick to the back teeth of
knob-jockeys rattling on about
December 2012, the Mayan calendar
and the ‘end of the world’.
Let’s clear one thing up straight
away. If you give any credence at all
to this absolute tosh then you are, in
scientific terms, ‘a f ing idiot’.
***
Yes, I know some of you probably
do believe it, and if you do, then
yes, my last sentence was aimed
squarely at you. Please stop reading
this article now before the
incoming barrage of common sense
makes your nose bleed.
Unavailable for comment due to
his ‘shooting’ schedule
You’re also surely aware, unless
you’ve been living under a rock or
you’re an idiot, that the financial
situation of our European cousins is
even more dire. But don’t worry, I’m
not about to launch into a tired diatribe
about the reasons behind it or
our plans to get out of it as that poor
horse has definitely been flogged
enough times.
What I want to bring to your attention
is some of what is occurring on
the continent that you might not
have heard about. We all know
about the massive cutbacks and
resulting riots in Greece, as the
birthplace of democracy drowns in a
tsunami of public rage, kebabs and
tzatziki, but you’re probably not
aware of what the Spanish are up
to.
I’ve tried to look on the bright side
of this financial meltdown where I
can. It’s only when we’re faced with
huge problems like this that humanity
really starts to think outside the
box, to look at the way we’ve
always done things and finally question
their validity. I’m not naive
enough to think that there’ll be a
global epiphany and we’ll all agree
that perhaps a financial system
based solely on the merits of greed
is really a good idea, but I’m hoping
we’ll see some radical ideas being
floated that will make us stop and
think, or at least do a double take.
Luckily, the Spanish seem to be
making a good start. Judging by
some of the things I’ve read, we’ve
got it easy over here. Spare a
thought for the town of Moia in
Catalonia, whose public services
are so debt ridden they’ve
announced they can’t afford to bury
their dead anymore.
OK, so I’ve had to put up with a pay
freeze for the last few years, but at
least I’m not tripping over corpses
on the way to work. No, I don’t do
that until I’m actually in the office
(boom-boom!)
Page 26
You can spot public sector staff
a mile off
It’s not all doom and gloom and rotting
cadavers though, as those wily
Spaniards have managed to come
up with a few ways to stave off
financial disaster. The small town of
Sodeto decided to pool their
resources and enter the huge
Spanish lottery ‘El Gordo’. This
basically translates to ‘The Fat
One’, so you immediately know it’s
good. I don’t know why Camelot
didn’t come up with something like
that, but then again, they did originally
have Eamonn Holmes presenting
the shenanigans.
The 250 cash strapped residents of
Sodeto actually won ‘El Gordo’,
sharing a prize of around £600 million,
which apparently caused the
rapturous farmers to ‘tear’ around
the town on their tractors, and nothing
gladdens the heart more than
seeing screaming middle aged men
doing doughnuts on tractors.
We can’t all be that lucky though, so
The Mayor of Rasquera, about to
shizzle his nizzle. Or something.
The Kingmeister reports
the town of Rasquera really has
come up with an innovative idea to
raise some much needed cash.
The local council of Rasquera have
agreed to rent out land for local
businessmen to grow marijuana on,
a move stunning in both its simplicity
and how much it’s sure to piss a
whole load of idiots off.
I’ve spoken before about how we
should stop being so bloody stupid
and legalise drugs, so it’s refreshing
to see a public body - that isn’t in
Holland - putting aside their kneejerk
moral reactivism and actually
looking at the idea in the cold harsh
light of day.
Granted, I doubt this proposition
would have got off the ground without
the appalling economic mess
they’re in, but this is what I mean
about radical, ‘outside the box’ solutions
coming into play.
Will it work? Almost without a doubt.
Not only will they be getting money
from the land rental, but they’ve
effectively cut local organised crime
off at the knees, saving yet more
public money because the police
aren’t wasting their time chasing
people growing pot.
While I may be making a trifle light
of matters here, I genuinely do hope
to see more of this sort of thing
going on. More people in and out of
authority challenging our usual ways
of thinking and proposing the outrageous
and unexpected. While we
won’t be seeing the death of capitalism
anytime soon, if the mess we’re
in actually makes us put the brakes
on being so greedy and wasteful,
then, maybe, just maybe, it will have
actually been worth it.
DOOMSDAY
(FOR IDIOTS)
Obviously he’s a trustworthy
source of information
For those of you who don’t know,
the Mayan ‘long count’ is an
extremely well thought out and
accurate calendar. Spanning several
thousands of years, it ends on (supposedly)
December 12th 2012.
Obviously the logical assumption is
that if the calendar of an ancient
mesoamerican people ends, then
naturally the entire world is going to
end.
This hypothesis is unfortunately
called into question by the small fact
that the Mayans never, not once,
mentioned anywhere, ever, that the
world was going to end on this date.
This is what we in the trade of reason
and common sense call a ‘fact’
(look it up) and should really put the
stupid idea to bed right now.
In case it doesn’t though, I give you
Julius Ceasar, inventor of the leap
year in 45BC. The inception of the
leap year has actually slowed down
the passage of time with the addition
of the extra day in February
every 4 years. Without leap years
(which the Mayan calendar has no
idea about), it’s actually already
2013, meaning the world should
have ended some time last year.
Nope, I didn’t notice it either.
Still, if you’re really dead set on the
world coming to an end on
December 12th this year, then drop
me a line and give me your bank
details, please.
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