Read April's's The Edge as a PDF - The Edge Magazine

ONLY
JOKING!
Nothing Happened
Old people have problems that you perhaps
haven't even considered yet. For instance, an
85-year-old man was requested by his doctor
for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
“Take this jar home and bring back a semen
sample tomorrow.” So the next day, the 85-yearold
man reappeared at his doctor's surgery and
gave the doctor his jar back, which was as
clean and empty as it had been the previous
day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man explained, “Well, Doc, it's like this. First I
tried with my right hand, but nothing happened.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing
happened. Then I asked my wife for help. She
tried with her right hand, then with her left hand,
but still nothing happened. So then she tried
with her mouth; first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, but still nothing happened. Then
we even called on Eileen, our next door neighbour,
and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it
between her knees, but still nothing happened.”
The doctor was shocked to say the very least.
“You asked your neighbour?”, he said with disbelief.
The old man replied, “Yep. But none of
us could get the jar open.”
Why?
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
Birth Date
I was telling the new barmaid in my local about
my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman
was born, simply by feeling her breasts.
"Really?" she said. "Go on then, see if you can
guess my birthday?"
After about 30 seconds of fondling her breasts
she began to lose patience.
"Come on," she demanded, "what day was I
born?"
I said, "Fookin’ yesterday, love."
Tic Tac
As I stepped out of the shower, my wife laughed
and said that my penis looked just like a tic tac.
I replied, "If that's the case, why does your sister
still have bad breath?"
That soon wiped the smile off her face.
St. Valentine’s Day
I booked a table for me and the missus as it
was St. Valentine's Day, but it all ended in tears.
She's crap at snooker.
Lotto Ticket
One day, the wife came home with a spectacular
diamond ring on her finger.
"Where did you get that ring?" I asked.
"Well,” she replied, "my boss and I played the
Lotto at work and we won, so I bought it with my
share of the winnings."
A week later, she only comes home wearing a
long fur coat, doesn’t she.
So I said, “Where did you get that coat?"
She replied, "Well, would you believe that me
and my boss won again on the Lotto, so I
bought it with my share of the winnings."
Another week goes by and this time the missus
turns into our driveway in a brand new flame red
Ferrari. Yeah, you guessed it, with her share of
yet another Lotto victory.
That same night, she asked me to run her a
nice warm bath while she got undressed. When
she entered the bathroom, she immediately
started moaning and said there was barely
enough water in the bath to cover the plughole.
So I quipped, “Well, you don't want to get your
Lotto ticket wet, do you?"
Ungodly Hour
Our ’phone rang at three in the morning the
other night. The wife was spooked and said,
“Christ Almighty! Who’s that ringing at this
ungodly hour?"
I said to her, “I wouldn’t need to answer it if I
bloody well knew that, would I?"
School Bags
A mate of mine’s got twins and he fell in love
with their school bags. Now he's bisatchel.
Seal
A seal walks into a club...
Coast
I went to see my doctor the other day and he
said, “You should take a trip to the coast. The
sea air’s great for the flu.” So I took his advice
and do you know what, he was damn right. I
was in bed all of the following week with the
worst flu I’ve ever had.
Vengeance
My therapist reckons I’ve got a preoccupation
with vengeance. Well, we'll see about that then,
won’t we?
River Walk
Two Irishmen were walking on opposite sides of
the river with no bridge in sight anywhere.
So Mick shouts, “Hey, Paddy. How do I get over
to the other side?”
Paddy shouts back, “You’re already on the other
side, y’daft eedyt.”
Passport Control
A tourist at Charles de Gaulle Airport was asked
by Passport Control, “What is your nationality?”
“German,” he responded.
The officer then asked, “Occupation?”
To which the Kraut replied, “No. Just visiting.”
Mexican Maid
A Mexican Maid asked for a pay increase. Well,
the lady of the house was very upset by that so
decided to discuss the matter with her.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay
increase?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons
why I wanna increase. Firstly, I iron better than
you do.”
“Says who?” says the lady of the house.
Maria: “Your husban’, he say so.”
Wife: “Oh really?”
Maria: “Secondly, I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Says who?”
Maria: “Your husban’ again.”
Wife (increasingly agitated now): Oh he did, did
he?”
Maria: “And turdly, I am better at sex than you.”
Wife (really livid now): “So my dirty rotten
scoundrel of a husband told you that as well, did
he?”
Maria: “No, Senora. Gardener did.”
Wife: (Ahem) “I see. How much of a raise were
you looking for exactly, Maria?
Happy & Sad
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV
programme about psychology which was busy
explaining the phenomenon of ‘mixed emotions’.
During an interval, the husband turned to his
wife and said, “That is such an absolute crock of
shit. I bet you can’t tell me anything at all that
will make me both happy and sad at the exact
same time?”
His wife thought for as moment, before blurting,
“Out of all your mates, you’ve got the biggest
cock.”
Gay Friend
I asked a gay friend (no, not you, another one)
what’s the best way to remove a condom?
Do you know what he said? Do you know what
his one word answer was?
“Fart.”
Yorkshire Farmer
A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from
his stream in the distance and shouts, "Ey up,
cock. Tha' dunt want to be drinkin’ watta outta
theer. It's full o’ hoss piss, sheep shit an’ cow
dung.”
The fellow stops, looks up and shouts back, "Sir,
I am being from Pakistan, so can you please be
speaking more clearly and slowly please?"
So the farmer cups his hands to his mouth and
replies, "IF....THEE.... USES.... TWO.... ’ANDS...
...THEE....WON’T.... SPILL....A....DROP."
Now then, readers, I unfortunately had to
think about whether you’d have the stomach
for this last joke, on the grounds that it
might be an ickle bit racial and what have
you. But hailing, as I do, from Yorkshire
(“Tha’ can alus tell a Yorkshireman, but tha
can’t tell ’im much” - love it!), I spent numerous
occasions in Bradford, where I naturally
stood out, due to my light skin tone, so I’m
going to allow it as I happen to think the egg
yoke’s on the stereotypical Yorkshireman
who hates ought that’s not born and bred in
either Leeds, Harrogate, Sheffield, Barnsley
or bloody Dewsbury!
E.E.
All jokes published are supplied by Edge readers. Please send your ‘egg yokes’ to shaun@theedgemag.co.uk