1 Death and the Lighthouses (1 January 2001)

Mark took the advice of a colleague and saw a therapist. He entered the
office with an open mind and expected to gain something positive from the
meeting, especially since the doctor was an old friend he’d always trusted
and respected. He told the doctor, who listened attentively, about his affair
with Luke and about Luke’s death; he spoke about how he’d been forced by
his own feelings into deceiving Matthew; he described his dreams, the
debilitating cramps he suffered in half-sleep; and lastly, he explained his
feelings towards Elizabeth’s son.
The only time his old friend interrupted was when Mark was trying to
explain how he felt he had failed, how he had disappointed everybody, how
he shouldn’t have allowed his emotions to take control of his...
—But Mark, said the doctor, hesitating. You’re only human.
*
Peter’s life had become an experiment in conflict resolution. Until he
reached forty, he felt he’d found an acceptable balance between his career
as a psychiatrist, often dealing with people who revealed perverse secrets,
and his vocation as a church leader in his local ecclesia. He found that his
faith in God helped him to help his clients. He never preached to a patient,
but his own moral beliefs underpinned his professional comments.
The balance changed when an old friend, a student from his days
teaching psychology in a small Northern village, booked himself in for a
course of sessions.
When Mark came through the door, Peter was genuinely pleased to see
him, and hoped that the problems weren’t too serious. Although he hadn’t
seen Mark for years, he knew a great deal about him, and hearing about
Luke’s death through a mutual acquaintance, assumed Mark’s problems
would be related at least in part to that trauma.
But Peter could not have prepared for what he was about to hear. Mark
made it clear that he wanted to tell Peter everything, and that some of it
would shock him. Peter was composed, but as he heard one confession after
another, the homosexuality, the affair with Luke, described in brutal detail,
he struggled to keep his benevolent appearance, when inside his emotions
were turning cartwheels. He had also been a victim to the lies, to the years
of deception. Peter felt that homosexuality was unnatural, against God, and
the thought of his friend engaging in these acts made him want to vomit. He
had to be a professional, and did sympathise with the torture that Mark had
inflicted on himself. Mark said he felt ill with guilt, he felt helpless and
hated himself for lying to Matthew for so many years. What could he do
Peter could not distance himself from Mark’s painful confessions in the
way he distanced himself from patients who were strangers. He wanted to
say something which would help Mark but he had no words. When Mark
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