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itter bastard
BJ “bitter” bastard says: folk you
YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO
MAKE OUT IN THE COPY ROOM
TO FIND PASSION IN THE WORKPLACE.
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Iknow George Bush is trying to take
things back to the 1950s, but that
doesn’t mean the music has to go with
it. Whatever happened to music that actually
reflects our current times People are
still doing the whole ‘80s “I’m living large
and I’m high on coke so let’s party” sound
even though the economy remains firmly in
the toilet, and the ‘70s redux is just as bad
with bands like Kasabian trying to be Primal
Scream trying to be the Rolling Stones. But
perhaps the worst retro trend of all is what
some people are calling “avant-folk.” How
very avant to sound like a deluded hippie
smoking Thai stick and strumming a guitar.
How cutting edge to wear flowing garments
and sing about putting flowers in your hair
and elves while a Texan in the White House
tries to take away all our rights. Wake up
and smell the petroleum–this is not the
Summer of Love Part 2. Here’s a guide to
help you decode these frightening harbingers
of the apocalypse.
1. Sufjan Stevens When this dude came out,
a lot of people wondered if it was Cat Stevens
and “Sufjan” was Cat’s new Muslim name
or something. I wish that were true, but
alas Sufjan is just a dude who likes making
plaintive soft songs about Midwestern states.
In 2003, he did an album about Michigan;
in July, he released Illinois. If that isn’t
limp enough, he also plays glockenspiel
and sleigh bells and rhymes “alligator” with
“Decatur.” Okay, that’s enough.
2. Mia Doi Todd I don’t like typing Mia Doi Todd’s
name. I also don’t like her pretentious, overwrought
lyrics or her touchy-feely (in a bad way) genitalia
metaphors. I think she needs to listen to some more
2 Live Crew.
3. Devendra Banhart When god complexes get
together with hippies, it smells worse than the 15th
row at a Dead show. This dude is famous for singing
about motherlands, living like a hobo, and writing
songs about animals like “Hey Mama Wolf ” and
“Owl Eyes.” Help….can’t breathe…your mystique
is strangling me.
4. Fiery Furnaces This brother/sister duo makes
me think only in adjectives that are cringe-worthy,
namely “tinkly,” “loosy goosy,” and “rollicking.”
Cough.
5. Joanna Newsom Sadly Lord of the Rings is done,
because Joanna Newsom would have been perfect as
Frodo’s wife. She sings in a creepy voice that sounds
like it belongs to the dancing baby on Ally McBeal,
writes elf songs, and plays a harp. I think there may
be hidden Satanic messages in her music, since evil
yuppie SF mayor Gavin Newsom is purportedly her
cousin. Scary shit.
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6. Iron and Wine This guy puts the wierdy in beardy
and vice versa. Also, despite being from Florida he
sports a weird accent (vaguely UK) and sounds like
Donovan. You can hear his cover of Postal Service’s
“Such Great Heights” in the new M&M commercial,
but I doubt this guy has ever eaten an M&M. He
sounds like he mainly lives on twigs and berries.
7. Beachwood Sparks This band would love to be a
sunny telegram from California circa the late ‘60s,
but every time someone puts them on we feel like
that day after acid when the ringing in our ears
won’t stop. They sound a whole hell of a lot like The
Byrds, but since innocence died this mostly reminds
us of annoying baby boomers.
8. Panda Bear Clearly this Animal Collective
member has read Iron John too many times. His
album, Young Prayer, is way more man catharsis than
can be handled in one sitting.
9. The Court & Spark Well, first off this band has
the same name as a Joni Mitchell album, which
makes my 50-year-old sister laugh. Apparently, they
call this alt-country nowadays, but wisps of dead
folkie Nick Drake ring throughout. Magical, mystical,
zzzzzzzzzz…
10. Will Oldham This dude is like the god of all
these other dudes, despite the fact that most of his
tracks sound like they were recorded into an old
boombox and are totally affected. Hmm.
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