Issue 03 - The Pilgrim - March 2012 - The newspaper of the Archdiocese of Southwark

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Features The Pilgrim March 2012 Faith, Facebook and being fair Catrina Hamilton, deputy head of St Thomas More Comprehensive in Eltham, tells former pupil Alannah Powell that it’s natural for teenagers to begin to question their faith. What do you enjoy most about your job I think overall that would have to be the interaction with the young people and knowing that you are making a difference to them. Also, giving them opportunities they wouldn’t necessarily have had before, and watching them grow and develop as people. What do you find the most challenging aspect of being a deputy head teacher Making sure that you are fair to everyone as much as possible is a challenging aspect of my job, as you are faced with very different personalities within a school. I find it challenging to make sure everyone is on board and we are all working together. Facebook has now become a big part of the lives of teenagers today and pupils can feel intimidated by their peers. I am aware that bullying goes on through intimidation on sites such as Facebook, and we try to address the issue within school, but it is hard to control something that goes on outside of school. How do you deal with serious discipline issues We base our discipline policy on gospel values and try not to act off the cuff. Recently we’ve introduced the, “transforming conflict: restorative conflict” strategy. We originally got the concept from another school that also uses it. Basically, the thought behind it is that after two people in the school have had a conflict, they are given an opportunity to sit down and discuss their differences. It works because the students take responsibility for their actions and move on. Why is a Catholic education important I think it’s good to have a religious aspect to education, as it gives the qualifications a purpose other than academia. God told us to utilise our talents and that’s what the pupils are all doing by working for their GCSEs and everything in between. When the pupils go on to other institutions they often notice the lack of religion and comment that they miss the faith element to their education. In a celebrity culture, how hard is it to foster a Catholic ethos in the school It’s a challenge to fight against young people’s materialistic aspirations such as the latest Blackberry, ipad or iphone craze, but generally I think most of the pupils still see a value in education. I find it worrying that they look up to celebrities like Joey Essex, but that’s part of the celebrity culture today. Many teenagers lose interest in religion. How do you handle this I think the students reach a certain age and all of a sudden, religion isn’t seen to be cool anymore. Teenagers, by nature, come to question everything more. They suddenly become more self-centred and ask, ‘What’s in this for me’ It’s a very natural stage of growing into adulthood. As a school, our teachers allow them to question and try to help them understand that questioning is a natural part of developing in faith. We’re lucky in St Thomas More, in the sense that it’s not uncool to be a boffin, or religious; it’s okay to be that type of person. And students can go to our chaplain or counsellor and have a confidential chat. On a personal level, I think it’s all about the student’s exploration of their relationship with God. I try not to dictate anything to them about Catholicism and, most importantly, I don’t make them feel guilty. I encourage them to talk about their lapse in faith and subtly try to get them more involved. Oh no, it’s Spongebob Squarepants! Nana Anto-Awuakye begins the first in a series of articles about being a working mum. Do you remember that World in Action documentary series Seven Up! which followed a group of seven-year-olds into adulthood The premise of the programme was based on St Francis Xavier supposedly saying: ”Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man.” This documentary came to mind when I started to think about how best to plan my son Matthew‘s seventh birthday party. Looking at this boisterous, sometimes very funny little boy, full of life, I pull him close to me, and ask him to look into my eyes. He tries to wriggle free but I hold him close. “So young man what you are going to be like when you are all grown up” “I will be myself,” he replied wisely. Organising a seventh birthday party is no easy feat, especially for me, as I’ve generally thanked the January snow (which came in February this year) as my excuse to avoid big parties for Matthew. Instead I’ve kept things a family affair with just his cousins. But seven needed marking, snow or no snow, as this is the start of his journey into an adult world. Having no previous party experience, I dashed around looking for party invites. I got told that my great selection of green and pink flowery ones was too girly. I had to delve into the world of the party bag, with my son insisting that they should be filled with “cool toys” plus balloons. Of course I needed to have a birthday cake, which I left to father and son to purchase, I was hoping for a nice Victoria Sandwich-type cake (not too many artificial colourings), but instead they proudly produced a fluorescent yellow Spongebob Squarepants cake. And all I could think of was the party getting out of control with boys running around super-hyper on yellow icing, and the grown-up pleadings as Mrs Health and Safety to slow down falling on deaf ears. I reminded Matthew that even though it is his birthday he still needed to be kind to everyone and share his toys. My signal for him understanding this request was manic head nodding. And then he reminded me that I should be fair when I cut up his party cake for the party bags, as everyone needed to have the same size piece of cake. Have you tried cutting up fluorescent Spongebob Squarepants cake It’s no easy feat; I had to call in the cavalry, my mum friend Caz. No stranger to SpongeBob, she expertly wielded the knife and carved it up into perfect little squares with my beady-eyed son watching to make sure that no-one got more or less in their perfect slice. Ah! That fairness agenda, not just the preserve of politicians, clergy and social commentators, It’s an all consuming agenda for a seven year old navigating his adult world and currently peppers our everyday life. “Mummy it’s not fair, why can’t I have four biscuits” “Because two is enough” is the wise mummy response. “But it would be fair if all the children in the world got four biscuits then I could have the same as them”. Think of a distraction; don’t budge on the offer of two biscuits, and smile to oneself at the wonderful logic. This is a bumper year for numbers. Along with Matthew turning seven, I also share the number with him, as this is my seventh year with Cafod. And both my best friend and Cafod celebrate their 50th birthday. It’s not easy judging how life will turn out. Those first seven years are just the vital steppingstones. The founding women of Cafod understood that calling for a more justice and equal world, when they started their fast days. Yes, we are products of our genetics and our environments but I think this perennial Jesuit saying is a simple reminder that each one of us every now and again needs to think back to the wonderment of being seven.Matthew’s biscuit question represents the first important milestone in our lifelong journey of faith. Page 8
The Pilgrim March 2012 Features Let’s talk about sex In The controversial new film Shame we see a man drifting from one empty sexual encounter to another. He thinks these sexual encounters will bring him the happiness and meaning he craves. Instead he becomes more and more alienated form the people in his life – and from himself. When I was a doorman at nightclubs in London, I had no shortage of women who wanted to have sex with me. I frequently gave into my lust and woke up the following morning in bed with a woman whose name I could barely remember. Like the main character in Shame, I couldn’t see then that sleeping around never leads to fulfilment in a relationship. I didn’t realise that the more I acted on We are not alone in our suffering There comes a time in life, when each of us has to embrace the hard reality of suffering in whatever form it comes. It might be illness, broken relationships, the death of a loved one, losing our job, or financial problems. As Christians, we are challenged to look beyond suffering, and to accept it as our participation in the suffering of Christ and our daily call to embrace the cross. “Anyone who wants to be a follower of mine must take up his cross and follow me”. This truth is the emphasis of the Lenten season. During the forty-day period of Lent, we reflect and meditate on the redemptive suffering of Christ. The suffering of Jesus, as we know, was motivated by His love for humanity. As he tells us, “a man can have no greater love than to lay down his life for his friends”. Jesus truly becomes a model for Christians in their suffering. He knew suffering, he struggled with suffering, he rejected suffering in the agony in the garden- “Father let this cup of suffering pass me by, but not according to my will but your will be done”. We see this same pattern in the lament Psalms, where the one who suffers complains to God bitterly asking for a better option. Just like Jesus in his agony, the sufferer hangs on in hope, and truly trusts in God until the very end. For example, in Psalm 102: 3-4, we read: For my days pass away like smoke, and my bones burn like furnace. My heart is smitten like grass, and withered; I forget to eat my bread. In these verses, the sufferer cries to Yahweh in desolation. But underneath his desolation and complaint is a strong faith that God can do something about the situation. Because of his deep faith, he holds on in hope to the very end: This Lenten season, as we reflect and participate in the mystery of Christ’s suffering let us equally accept our own individual sufferings. Like the psalmist in the lament psalms, let us genuinely complain, question God, lament to God, and tell Him exactly the way we feel. The Serenity Prayer has helped me a lot in the past to cope with challenges and situations beyond my control: “Lord, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”. I have also drawn strength from the popular poem Footprints, which captures the essence of God’s love for each one of us One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questions the Lord about it. “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints, I don’t understand why when I needed you most you would leave me” The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you”. Fr Victor Darlington my sexual desires the more I became a prisoner. I can see now that many girls used sex to get love and many of the guys used love to get sex. This only led to hurt, not happiness. When the fashion industry encourages women to wear sexually provocative clothes, it’s saying, the only way you can be loved and adored is to wear short skirts or low cut tops. We live in a society where lust and sex are portrayed as the norm. Sex is often portrayed as just another recreation, like football or going to the gym. In this sort of culture, teenagers, in particular, can find themselves under pressure to go with the flow. I know this from the young people who talk to me at retreats. It was only when I learned to control my sexual desire and not act on them that I experienced true freedom. And the only way to control our sexual urges is to pray each day for grace each day to be pure in heart, mind, body and soul. This is how I learned to do it. Sex is a gift from God, but it’s meant for marriage. This is because when we have sex with someone we give our self – a part of our soul. Sex is often described as ‘making love, but real love goes far deeper than physical appearance. Looks are superficial and tell you nothing about what a person is like on the inside. Each of us wants to be loved for who we are, not how attractive or sexy we look. Wanting to be loved is one of our deepest human needs. We all want to be feel special and that we matter. In our relationships, we need to be honest with ourselves and honest with God. It’s easy to think we’re in love when it is just strong emotions or lust. Because it’s only when we are truly honest that we will start to grow spiritually. But struggles with lust should never keep us from prayer. No matter how much we fail, we should never hate ourselves, like the character in Shame. Each one of us is broken and weak. And God understands this. As St Paul says in the Bible, ‘For it is when I am weak that I am strong.’ John Pridmore Page 9
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Issue 03 - The Pilgrim - March 2012 - The newspaper of the Archdiocese of Southwark

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