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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT . KITSAP SUN « Friday, February 6, 2015 «7
‘Jupiter’isthenadiroftheWachowskis’bigbudgetcareer
■ Emptypieceofsci-fieyecandy
asks,‘Couldthisgetanyweirder?’
By Roger Moore
Tribune News Service
The Wachowskis cash
theirlastblankcheckfrom
Warner Brothers with “Jupiter
Ascending,” an excruciatinglyemptychunkof
eye candy that spends more
than two hours trying to
convince us they’re not rippingoff“Dune.”It’s“Dune”
withoutthedesert,allexposition
and back story and
alternatehistory—asinconsequential
as the weakestYoungAdultsci-fi,but
without the pretty young
teens who populate those
“Maze/Hunger/Giver/Divergent”
casts.
It’s not that the Wachowskis
don’t reach for some Big
Ideashere,thenotionthat
“Timeisthesinglemost
preciouscommodityinthe
universe,” that one thing
the super-rich and entitled
haveovertherestofus.
Time equates not just to
faster travel and no waiting
inlineatthedoctor’soffice
or DMV. It’s longevity,
a near-immortality length
and quality of life that the
oligarchsofthisuniverse
are playing with.
AseriouslymiscastMila
KunisisthisYAversionof
“The Chosen One,” a poor
Russian emigre, daughter
of an astronomer forced to
clean toilets and change
bedsinChicago.Aliensare
lookingforthewomanher
dad named Jupiter, seeing
herastheirreincarnated
“Queen.” There are bad
aliens,ledbyBalem(awhispering
Eddie Redmayne),
andpossiblyagoodone,
Caine (Channing Tatum)
whocomestoherrescue
—inthenickoftime,every
time.Andtherearealotof
times.
Watch the way Kunis
mincesthroughthecomplicated
digital sets when she’s
REVIEW ★½
‘JUPITER ASCENDING’
Rated: PG-13 (violence,
sequences of sci-fi action,
suggestive content, partial
nudity)
Running time: 2:07
Director-writers: Andy
andLanaWachowski
Showing: Opens Feb. 6;
call theaters
supposedtoberunningfor
her life. Even her stunt double
looks bored.
The endless chases and
shootoutsareaboutfetching
her or killing Jupiter
—theoften-cloakedalien
minions get mixed messagesfromtheiroverlords.
Jupiterisalwaysfalling—
outofbuildings,spaceships
or,infromtowersinthevast
aliencitycomplexhiding
inside Jupiter. The pointyeared
Caine has these neat
hover-bootsthatmakeTatum,
frequently shirtless,
looklikePanoracentaur
as he skates through the
futurescapes,dodgingfire
and falling debris, waving
hisdigitalshield,shooting
to kill.
Kunisismostathomein
thefilm’sfewflashesofhumor,
such as when Jupiter
takesashinetoherprotector,
or when the queen-to-be
dealswiththeKafkaesque
nightmare of the alien superrace’s
bureaucracy.
“I will never complain
abouttheDMVagain!”And
shespeaksfortheaudience
when she later asks, “Could
thisgetanyweirder?”
Sean Bean plays Stinger, a
serious-minded ex-comrade
ofCaine’s(they’rebothwarriors
who have lost their
wings, literally). He takes
over the endless explaining
of exposition when Tatum’s
Cainerunsoutofbreath—
something about the way
Mila Kunis (with Douglas Booth) minces her way through one of “Jupiter Ascending’s” digital sets.
aliens populated the universe,Earthbeingagenespliced
colony. Stinger’s
been hiding out on Earth in a
ramshackle farmhouse honeycombed
with bees.
“Bees are genetically designed
to recognize royalty,”
Bean growls, offering the
film’s first giggle. “Bees don’t
lie.”
LookforGuguMbatha-
Raw,JamesD’Arcyandthe
eye-candyjunkieTerry“Brazil”Gilliaminbitparts.
If you didn’t catch on with
the sell-out “Speed Racer” or
the sugary idiocy of “Cloud
Atlas,”ifyouhaven’treconsidered
your affection for
the one decent installment
inthemurky“Matrix”trilogy
before now, “Jupiter Ascending”
should seal the deal. The
Wachowskis—Andyand
Lana — are trapped in their
own matrix, burdened with
inflatedbudgetsandtheneed
to visually try and top themselves,
losing track of actors,
story and emotions, all in
pursuitofthatnextfanboy
film fix. After “Jupiter Ascending,”
Warners should put
them into rehab. They need
to quit this drug, cold turkey.
PHOTOS BY WARNER BROS. PICTURES | TNS
GuguMbatha-RawdonsSpockears,andthensome,for“Jupiter
Ascending.”