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92 2. THE ELDER SCROLLS CHAPTER 2: DAGGERFALL [29] Jokes Jokes by Butha Sunhous "How is your wife," asked Zalither. "She's in bed with laryngitis," replied Harlyth. "Is that Argonian bastard back in town again?" "I keep seeing spots before my eyes." "Have you seen a healer?" "No, just spots." A big Nord named Julgen was set on by a gang of thieves. He fought them furiously, but in the end, they beat him into semiconsciousness. They searched his pockets and discovered that he only had three gold pieces on him. "Do you mean to tell us you fought us like a mad lupe for three lousy gold pieces?" sneered one of the thieves. "No," answered Julgen. "I was afraid you were after the four hundred gold pieces in my boot." During the War of Betony, the Bretons in the Isle of Craghold were under siege for several days. After the island was liberated, Lord Bridwell found the ruins of the castle where a crowd of survivors were hidden away in the dark. It was going to be a difficult job freeing them, as part of the roof had collapsed trapping them all within. Bridwell stuck his head in the only opening and shouted to the Bretons below: "Are there any expectant mothers down there?" "It's hard to say, your Lordship," said a young woman. "We've only been down here for a few days." An elderly Breton met with an contemporary of his at a guild meeting. "Harryston, old man, I wanted to express my sympathy. I hear that you buried your wife last week." "Had to, old boy," replied Harryston. "Dead, you know." Why was the Sentinel army so useless during the War of Betony? The cannons were too heavy, so all three garbage scows sunk. What does a new Sentinel private learn first as a combat technique? How to retreat What is the thinnest book in the world? "Redguard Heroes of the War of Betony." A Dark Elf man killed his wife after catching her making love with another man. When the magistrate asked him why he killed her instead of her lover, the man replied, "I considered it better to kill one woman than a different man every week." A Dark Elf woman was being shown around Daggerfall. When she was shown the magnificent Castle Daggerfall, she smiled sweetly to her guild and whispered, "It reminds me of sex." "That's odd," said her guild. "Why does our Castle Daggerfall remind you of sex?" The Dark Elf sighed, "Everything does." Yelithah told Vathysah that she was having dinner with a Dark Elf named Morleth that night. "I hear he's an animal," said Vathysah. "He'll rip your dress right off you." "Thank you for telling me," said Yelithah, "I'll be sure to wear an old dress."
[29] JOKES How do separate sailors in the Khajiiti navy? With a hammer and tongs. "This orchard has sentimental value to me," said Mojhad, the Khajiit, to his friend, Hasillid. "Under that tree, for example, is where I first made love. And that tree, is where her mother stood, watching us." "She watched you while you made love to her daughter?" said Hasillid, clearly impressed. "Didn't she say anything?" "Meow." What do you call a Wood Elf who doesn't lie or cheat or steal? A dead Wood Elf. 93
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THE ELDER SCROLLS TREASURY A REPERT
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All presented texts © by Bethesda
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TABLE OF CONTENTS 1. The Elder Scro
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TABLE OF CONTENTS ix 4. The Elder S
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[1] Oghma Infinium* See vol. I. [1]
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[1] The Alik'r [1] THE ALIK'R The A
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[2] Ark'ay The God So be it known t
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[3] The Arrowshot Woman [3] THE ARR
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At nine thirty, his advisor, seeing
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"In arena fights?" he asked, intere
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[7] A Brief History of the Empire*
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murder of Kintyra II and the sorrow
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[10] Confessions of a Thief [10] CO
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[11] Divad the Singer [11] DIVAD TH
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[12] A DUBIOUS TALE OF THE CRYSTAL
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[14] {Engraved Card} [14] {ENGRAVED
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[15] THE EPIC OF THE GREY FALCON In
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[16] ETIQUETTE WITH RULERS the goss
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[18] The Fall of the Usurper [18] T
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[19] First Scroll of Baan Dar [19]
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[19] FIRST SCROLL OF BAAN DAR need
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[20.1] FOOLS' EBONY I immediately.
Page 51 and 52: [20.1] FOOLS' EBONY I your fingerna
Page 53 and 54: [20.1] FOOLS' EBONY I LHEBAN: Well,
Page 55 and 56: LHEBAN: ... but one that we ... enc
Page 57 and 58: [20.2] FOOLS' EBONY II ADVENTURER:
Page 59 and 60: [20.2] FOOLS' EBONY II EPILOGUE: Ah
Page 61 and 62: [20.3] FOOLS' EBONY III SHUB: Oh ye
Page 63 and 64: SHUB: We are not the outdoorsy type
Page 65 and 66: [20.3] FOOLS' EBONY III ADVENTURER:
Page 67 and 68: [20.4] FOOLS' EBONY IV ADVENTURER:
Page 69 and 70: [20.4] FOOLS' EBONY IV ARMORER 3: S
Page 71 and 72: [20.4] FOOLS' EBONY IV LHEBAN: You
Page 73 and 74: [20.4] FOOLS' EBONY IV (Raic grappl
Page 75 and 76: [20.4] FOOLS' EBONY IV Good! Come o
Page 77 and 78: [20.5] FOOLS' EBONY V (Tap-tap at t
Page 79 and 80: [20.5] FOOLS' EBONY V CONTESSA: Tha
Page 81 and 82: [20.5] FOOLS' EBONY V PROLOGUE: Tim
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Page 85 and 86: ADVENTURER: Ave, whats going on? [2
Page 87 and 88: [20.5] FOOLS' EBONY V CONTESSA: Wha
Page 89 and 90: [21] FROM THE MEMORY STONE OF MAKEL
Page 91 and 92: [21] FROM THE MEMORY STONE OF MAKEL
Page 93 and 94: [23] Ghraewaj and the Harpies [23]
Page 95 and 96: [25] A History of Daggerfall [25] A
Page 97 and 98: [26] Holidays of the Iliac Bay [26]
Page 99 and 100: [27] Invocation of Azura* See vol.
Page 101: [28] IUS, ANIMAL GOD I probably sho
Page 105 and 106: [30.1] KING EDWARD I Edward's gaze
Page 107 and 108: [30.1] KING EDWARD I Moraelyn's lou
Page 109 and 110: [30.2] KING EDWARD II abrupt and ja
Page 111 and 112: [30.2] KING EDWARD II meant my brot
Page 113 and 114: [30.2] KING EDWARD II "Moraelyn! Do
Page 115 and 116: [30.2] KING EDWARD II "And the rest
Page 117 and 118: [30.3] KING EDWARD III Moraelyn sto
Page 119 and 120: "Get out of here, boy! Now!" [30.3]
Page 121 and 122: [30.3] KING EDWARD III laugh. "Aye,
Page 123 and 124: [30.4] KING EDWARD IV some on his r
Page 125 and 126: [30.4] KING EDWARD IV "Well, it was
Page 127 and 128: [30.4] KING EDWARD IV "Did you real
Page 129 and 130: [30.5] KING EDWARD V "Goblins," Mor
Page 131 and 132: [30.5] KING EDWARD V "Or perhaps th
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Page 135 and 136: "I don't want it." [30.6] KING EDWA
Page 137 and 138: [30.6] KING EDWARD VI "No, you are
Page 139 and 140: [30.6] KING EDWARD VI "I want to wa
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Page 143 and 144: [30.7] KING EDWARD VII some ways, M
Page 145 and 146: [30.7] KING EDWARD VII Edward sighe
Page 147 and 148: [30.8] KING EDWARD VIII and a keep
Page 149 and 150: [30.8] KING EDWARD VIII "Here's the
Page 151 and 152: [30.8] KING EDWARD VIII Aliera smil
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[30.8] KING EDWARD VIII "Even to wi
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[30.9] KING EDWARD IX "A taunt like
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[30.9] KING EDWARD IX disposition a
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[30.9] KING EDWARD IX "I am less fo
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[30.10] King Edward X Mats continue
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[30.10] KING EDWARD X And she was g
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[30.11] King Edward XI [30.11] KING
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[30.11] KING EDWARD XI By this poin
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[30.11] KING EDWARD XI Beech stared
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[30.12] King Edward XII [30.12] KIN
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[30.12] KING EDWARD XII "I'm doomed
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[30.12] KING EDWARD XII from object
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[30.12] KING EDWARD XII Akatosh ret
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[31] LEGAL BASICS kind (or crimes o
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[32] THE LEGEND OF LOVERS LAMENT Ma
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[33.2] {Anonymous Letter} {...}, [3
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[33.4] {Anonymous Letter} Dear {...
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[33.6] {Anonymous Letter} Dear {...
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[33.8] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.8]
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[33.10] {Letter} {...}, [33.10] {LE
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[33.12] {Letter} {...}, [33.12] {LE
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[33.14] {Letter} {...}, [33.14] {LE
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[33.16] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.16
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[33.18] {Letter} Honorable {...}, [
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[33.20] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.20
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[33.22] {Letter} {...}, Fine securi
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[33.24] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.24
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[33.26] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.26
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[33.28] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.28
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[33.30] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.30
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[33.32] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.32
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[33.34] {Letter} {...}, [33.34] {LE
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[33.36] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.36
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[33.38] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.38
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[33.40] {Letter} My dear {...}, [33
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[33.42] {Letter} Dear {...}, {...}
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[33.44] {Letter} Dear {...}, {...}
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[33.46] {Letter} {...}, [33.46] {LE
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[33.48] {Letter} {...}, [33.48] {LE
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[33.50] {Letter} Dear {...}, [33.50
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[33.52] {Letter from a Vampire Hunt
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[33.54] {LETTER FROM AUBK-I, QUEEN
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[33.56] {LETTER FROM BARENZIAH, QUE
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[33.58] {LETTER FROM BRISIENNA, LAD
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[33.60] {LETTER FROM BRISIENNA, LAD
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[33.62] {LETTER FROM EADWYRE, KING
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[33.64] {LETTER FROM GORTWOG, KING
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[33.66] {LETTER FROM HELSETH, PRINC
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[33.68] {LETTER FROM HELSETH, PRINC
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[33.70] {LETTER FROM LHOTUN, PRINCE
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[33.72] {LETTER FROM MANNIMARCO} [3
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[33.74] {LETTER FROM MYNISERA TO GO
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[33.76] {Letter from the Acolyte} D
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[33.78] {LETTER FROM THE DARK BROTH
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[33.80] {LETTER FROM THE DARK BROTH
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[33.82] {Letter from the Thieves Gu
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[33.84] {Letter from the Thieves Gu
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[33.86] {Letter from the Underking}
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[33.88] {Letter to a Baron} Baron {
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[33.90] {Letter to a Princess} Prin
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[33.92] {Unsigned Letter} Dear {...
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[34] THE LIGHT AND THE DARK them th
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[35.7] {LORD WOODBORNE'S PRIVATE JO
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[37] Mara's Tear [37] MARA'S TEAR M
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[38] {MESSAGE FROM THE KING OF WORM
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[40] Notes 1 [40.1] {Note} [40.1] {
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[40.3] {Note} [40.3] {NOTE} I'm goi
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[41] Notes For Redguard History [41
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[42] Oelander's Hammer [42] OELANDE
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[43] Of Jephre [43] OF JEPHRE Of Je
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[45] On Artaeum* See vol. I. [45] O
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[46] ON LYCANTHROPY "Not too tough,
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[48] On Wild Elves* See vol. I. [48
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[50] AN OVERVIEW OF GODS AND WORSHI
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[52] The Pig Children* See vol. I.
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[54] Recipes [54.1] Recipe for Poti
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[54.9] Recipe for Potion of Restore
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[56] Research Papers 1 [56.1] {Rese
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[56.3] {Research Paper} [56.3] {RES
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The Captain of the Guard Has to sea
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[58] THE SAGE Returning to Shornhel
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[59] A Scholar's Guide to Nymphs [5
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[60] Scrolls [60.1] A Rare Old Scro
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[60.3] The Bothdorjii Scroll Breath
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[62] The Story of Lyrisius [62] THE
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[63] A Tale of Kieran [63] A TALE O
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[63] A TALE OF KIERAN milk. "Why,"
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[63] A TALE OF KIERAN IV. Kieran wa
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[65] {Tract} [65] {TRACT} {Tract} I
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[66.1] VAMPIRES OF THE ILIAC BAY I
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[66.2] VAMPIRES OF THE ILIAC BAY II
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[68] The War of Betony [68] THE WAR
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[69] The War of Betony [69] THE WAR
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[70] Wayrest, Jewel of the Bay [70]
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[71] Writs [71.1] {Writ} 1 [71] WRI
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3. An Elder Scrolls Legend: Battles
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[1] Arcana Restored* See vol. I. [1
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[3] Book Of Rest And Endings* See v
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[5] Codex Arcana [5.1] Codex Arcana
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[5.2] Codex Arcana II [5.2] CODEX A
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[5.3] Codex Arcana III [5.3] CODEX
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[5.4] Codex Arcana IV [5.4] CODEX A
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[5.5] Codex Arcana V [5.5] CODEX AR
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[5.6] Codex Arcana VI [5.6] CODEX A
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[5.7] Codex Arcana VII [5.7] CODEX
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[5.8] Codex Arcana VIII [5.8] CODEX
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[5.9] Codex Arcana IX [5.9] CODEX A
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[6] Curiosities Of The Second Age [
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[7] Harvest's End, 3E 172* [7] HARV
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[9] Messages [9.1] {Message from Ja
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[10] Notes [10.1] {Note} [10.1] {NO
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[10.3] {Note} [10.3] {NOTE} [Writte
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[10.5] {Note} [10.5] {NOTE} [scawle
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[10.7] {Note} [10.7] {NOTE} [scrawl
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[10.9] {Note} [10.9] {NOTE} [These
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[10.11] {Note from Chimere Graegyn}
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[10.13] {Note from Deyanira to Jaci
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[10.15] {Note from Imago Storm} [10
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[10.17] NOTES: {NOTES TO THE BATTLE
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Bright red the land Where soldiers
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[13.4] MALHAM'S ANNOTATED COMPENDIU
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[14] The Posting of the Hunt* See v
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[16] A SHORT HISTORY OF THE AUGMENT
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[17] STARKHORN'S COMPENDIUM OF HIS
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[18] Starlover's Log* See vol. I. [
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[20] The Waters Of Oblivion* See vo
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4. The Elder Scrolls Adventures: Re
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[1] Book of Dwarven Lore [1] BOOK O
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[3] Elven Artifacts [3.8] Elven Art
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[4] Ffoulkes Firmament* See vol. I:
Page 417 and 418:
[6] Iszara's Journal First Seed 26.
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[8] N'Gasta's Necromancy Book [8] N
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[10] REDGUARDS. THEIR HEROES & HIST
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[12] Text on Potions [12] TEXT ON P
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[14] Wanted [14] WANTED Wanted WANT
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418 Bloodfather · 223 Bloodline ·
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420 Ghraewaj · 83 Ghulari · 299 G
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422 Moon Festival · 88 Moonguard
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424 138, 146, 151-152, 161-162, 169
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426 II. Years First Era 1E 246 · 8
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