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By Princess Kennedy<br />
facebook.com/princess.kennedy<br />
Photo: Katie Panzer<br />
<strong>SLUG</strong> presents: the dueling<br />
personalities of Princess Kennedy’s cupids.<br />
It’s here! That wonderful time of year, when couples are forced to show their<br />
undying love for each other through overpriced bouquets of flowers, vomitinducing<br />
quips by Hallmark and obligatory boxes of chocolates.<br />
I’ve kept it no secret that I’d rather lose a limb than be coupled, but what I hate more<br />
is feeling bad about it every February 14th. As I’ve written before, my opposition to<br />
relationships comes from my poor choice in partners. To recap, my l<strong>as</strong>t boyfriend w<strong>as</strong><br />
a porn actor and the one before him w<strong>as</strong> a male prostitute—a glowing report to my<br />
bad t<strong>as</strong>te.<br />
It h<strong>as</strong>n’t always been this way. I had a couple good relationships when I w<strong>as</strong> younger,<br />
but that w<strong>as</strong> due to naïveté and blind luck. I think I’ve come to the realization that my<br />
love deity h<strong>as</strong> a spilt personality, similar to Jekyll and Hyde.<br />
My cupids are more of a conscious thing. On one shoulder, I have the sweet cherubic<br />
homosexual angel that idolizes the good in people, one who makes me think I long for<br />
walks on the beach, breakf<strong>as</strong>t in bed and sweet love down by the fire.<br />
The other is a horrible goth tranny obsessed with anonymous sex, money and power.<br />
Unfortunately, somewhere along the line the bad h<strong>as</strong> taken her arrow of love and<br />
jammed it into the Richard Simmons-esque afro of the good—making me repulsed by<br />
the unwarranted attention from would-be suitors.<br />
Her arrow h<strong>as</strong> left me quite the cynic. Don’t get me wrong … I’m 100% for gay<br />
marriage. If that’s what the fools want, then I believe they should have that right.<br />
However, I also feel that they should serve a minimum sentence of five to 10<br />
years for their lack of judgment.<br />
Isn’t that horrible?! I’m not sure exactly where my<br />
cynicism comes from. The cl<strong>as</strong>sic example of<br />
The Relationship comes from your parents<br />
and mine started dating from the age of 13,<br />
putting them together for over 65 years.<br />
Although it’s incredibly romantic, the<br />
sheer thought of having to spend that<br />
much time with someone puts me in an<br />
anxiety-ridden state of panic.<br />
Okay, I know you’re sitting there<br />
thinking, “Whoa this tranny is<br />
fucked up!” But al<strong>as</strong>, it seems<br />
that without really realizing it,<br />
I, Princess Kennedy, have fallen for someone. The medical chariot of the gods<br />
arrived just in time to administer CPR to the cupid with the Golden Girls afro.<br />
Shortly after moving back to SLC, I w<strong>as</strong> featured in a local paper about returning to<br />
SLC and what I had done while I w<strong>as</strong> away. The cover sported me in all my blonde<br />
glory and this boy—we’ll call him “Dude” for the sake of anonymity. Dude actually<br />
sought me out and <strong>as</strong>ked me out on a real date. For the p<strong>as</strong>t few years, we’ve had a<br />
very c<strong>as</strong>ual “thing” that doesn’t have much expectation or commitment, which works<br />
well for my ADD.<br />
His job in the real estate game came cr<strong>as</strong>hing down with the economy, and l<strong>as</strong>t year,<br />
my on-again-off-again romance w<strong>as</strong> stopped short by his decision to join the military.<br />
My first instinct w<strong>as</strong> to be all, “DUDE, what are you thinking?” But <strong>as</strong> he is a 25-yearold<br />
male, I understood that his decision w<strong>as</strong> a good step forward for his future and<br />
his education. Since he lives in the closet, the now-defunct “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”<br />
w<strong>as</strong> moot. Therefore, I supported him and tried to understand. When he left, I got<br />
that heartache-y feeling you get, which is the number one re<strong>as</strong>on to run away from<br />
these things. At the same time, it w<strong>as</strong> nice to know, despite the cynical nature that I’ve<br />
developed, there might be something human in there.<br />
I w<strong>as</strong> forced to face this when he came home on leave and told me that he had made<br />
a huge mistake—if he had a chance to do it all over again, he would stayed here and<br />
gotten more serious with me. He even brought up the M word, which almost won him<br />
a “see ya Dude.” For now, I find that the long distance makes for good practice and<br />
low commitment, a sort of recovery period for good cupid while I attempt to keep bitter<br />
goth tranny cupid on a short le<strong>as</strong>h.<br />
I’m not sure if I’ll really ever develop a want to share my life<br />
with another, but at the end of the day I am not a<br />
deity and I have to carry the hope that the ageold<br />
adage is true, that there is someone for<br />
everyone and my tranny ch<strong>as</strong>er is around<br />
the bend. Quite frankly, I don’t cherish the<br />
thought of growing old alone.<br />
In the meantime, let me use this <strong>as</strong><br />
my own personal ad and invite any<br />
and all potential suitors to meet me<br />
at Bar X around the corner from<br />
my pad to get w<strong>as</strong>ted and have<br />
mad, anonymous hate sex on<br />
Valentine’s Day.<br />
Illustration: Maggie Zukowski<br />
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