3 - Varsity

Friday November 2 2007varsity.co.uk/artsWrite for this section:arts@varsity.co.ukVIEWArts27Restaurant ReviewTom EvansTrapped inthe ClosetEarlier this month, JK Rowling announced to a shocked nation that AlbusDumbledore was gay. Will Henshertried to work out which other well-lovedcharacters remain ‘in the closet’.1Robinson Crusoeand Man Friday,from ‘The Life andAdventures ofRobinson Crusoe’,by Daniel DefoeThe Evidence: The authenticityof the following extract, fromDefoe’s 1719 bestseller, is stilldisputed among scholars. Whatremains certain is that theiconic pair were alone onthat island for a very longtime.From the diary ofRobinson CrusoeSeptember 31 `1669:‘Today one of thesavages slippedhis vessel into mysandy cove, on thesouth of the island.Whereupon, I wasstruck with amazement,and knowingof the cannibalismpractised by that tribe,greatly afeared thathe would swallow me.However, showing him mycharged musket, he knelt beforeme, to beg my mercy, whichI granted. Presently, I allowedhim to enter my cave, and sharethe fruits of my labour.’ ”2Dorian Gray, from‘The Picture ofDorian Gray’, byOscar WildeThe Evidence: Dorian Grayis the charming story of anattractive young man witha closely guarded secret.He strikes up an intimaterelationship with two oldermen, one of whom paints hisportrait:“You know the best thingabout painting you Dorian?”Basil gestured to the canvas.“It’s that I can just lay youout and cover you with mybrush whenever I feel like it.”Dorian’s relationship withthe enigmatic Lord Henry isparticularly ambiguous:Dorian lingered on the doorstop,temptingly.“Thank you for having me thisevening Lord Henry,‘Oh, Basil and I are alwaysvery glad to receive you…Dorian.”The beautiful young gentlemanhad certainly lubricatedthe evening’s conversation. Hewas like a fine whiskey; bestnecked down late at night, whenthe wife was asleep.Oh, and it was penned byOscar Wilde.3Holmes andWatson, from ‘TheAdventures ofSherlock Holmes,’by Arthur Conan DoyleThe Evidence: Some of usread Sherlock Holmesfor the finely balancedinterplay between anintricately structuredmystery and the brilliantlyincisive deductionof the protagonist.Others read it becausewe wanted to knowwhen Holmes andWatson were gonnaget it on. One was anobsessive genius with acocaine habit, the othera respectable, ex-militarydoctor; this was late-VictorianEngland, outside of anOscar Wilde novel it was nevergoing to work. Though ConanDoyle never explicitly statedthe nature of their relationshiphe would occasionally drop thereader a revealing clue:“He gripped my cane verytightly and looked excitedly intomy eyes.“Holmes, I said, I do believeyou’ve got it. Yes, you’ve definitelygot it!”“Yes Watson, he replied, I’mcertainly starting to feel something…”4Mr Tumnus, from‘The Lion, theWitch and theWardrobe,’ by CSLewisThe Evidence: Mr Tumnus, theloveable Narnian faun literallylived in a closet! His neat littlebeard, bare chest and trademarkscarf bravely defied thebutch chain-mail favoured byother Narnians. At the start ofthe novel he was ready to dothe bidding of a great queen,but by the final chapter:“I’m sorry Lucy but I simplycan’t come out of the wardrobe,what ever would the beavers say?”5Sam, Frodo, Merry,Pippin, Boromir,Gimli, Legolasand the entire elfpopulation of Middle-Earth, from ‘The Lord ofthe Rings,’ by JRR TolkienThe Evidence: It was a long, longjourney from Rivendell to the‘Cracks of Doom’, but no-one,except Aragorn, ever seemed tocomplain about the absence offemale company. On the otherhand, everyone wanted Frodo’sring. The novel is infused withhomoerotic symbolism includingseveral rather phallic towers,the climactic eruption of MountDoom and of course Frodo’s decisionto leave Middle-Earth andjoin the elves ‘on the other side’at the close of the novel. PeterJackson’s film trilogy helped toemphasise this aspect of Tolkien’swork with lines such as thehighly defensive:‘Nobody tosses a dwarf!’Alimentum★★★★★My perfect day would startwith a trip to ChessingtonWorld of Adventures, thenThorpe Park and then AltonTowers. All of the queueswould be closed off and Iwould be the only person allowedto go on the rides exceptsome celebrities who wouldcome with me. Maybe I wouldhave Angelica from CBBC,Mankind from WWF andRichard from Judy. We wouldtalk about all sorts of things(the new series of Raven) andthen Mankind would say Iwas really cool and brave andgive me his phone number,Richard would invite me towin You Say We Pay and we’dend up drinking B-52s backat Angelica’s place. Then wewould have some Um-bongoand MaccyD’s for lunch andeven though I would be gettinga king size meal Mankindwould buy me the Happy Mealtoy separately because it’s mybirthday. Some bowling wouldbe nice in the afternoon. Ideallywe would get the wholebowling alley to ourselvesbecause sometimes unsavourycharacters are at bowlingalleys, and I don’t want anytrouble on my perfect day.Then I would have a littlebit of lots of sandwiches becauseI can never make up mymind which one to get, and asI finished my last bite I wouldfind some money on the floor(say £700) which I would giveto charity. The charity wouldbe that one for the peoplewho are not so fortunate asme. After this everything Itouched would turn to gold.Then we would go to CambridgeCineworld to see a film,probably an animated featureand probably PG. Before goingto Cineworld we would stopoff for the early bird menu atAlimentum just across theway on Hills Road. Its £17.50for three courses 6-7pm, andworth it. Its food comes freshfrom sustainable and predominantlylocal sources and itsreputation fresh from glowingreviews in the Guardian andthe Independent. I’ve wentthere once before. Last week,in fact. The potato and garlicsoup was well pitched, avoidingthe alliaceous gloop thatis sometimes produced in anattempt to prove ‘just howauthentic the food is’ at morepretentious restaurants.The Lemon Sole fillet camewith a shellfish cream, thechef proving himself bothbrilliant and brave enoughto serve what looked like anethically sourced piece of seafoam atop his creation. Thecottage pie was complementedby a fine, tasty red cabbage.For pudding I was tempted totry the Selle Sur Cher (goatscheese) to which I am allergic.Eat it now and take the consequenceslike Raven wouldtake them, I told myself. Asit is, I settled with the lemonand pine nut parfait. Whichwas perfect.