It's All Relative - COBYS Family Services

Mission StatementMotivated by Christian faith, COBYSFamily Services educates, supports,and empowers children and adultsto reach their full potential.Board of DirectorsDavid Stauffer, PresidentTom Bastian, Vice-PresidentBonnie Wampler, SecretaryPamela Bedell Arthur KreiderWhit Buckwalter John WiseCindy Bradley Martin WitmanWendy Egolf Harry YeagerAdministrative StaffPhilip E. Hershey, AdministratorMark Cunningham, AssociateAdministratorMary Sourber, Director of Foster Care& AdoptionJanae Sauder, Adoption SupervisorKirsten Freitag Murray, Family LifeEducation SupervisorSharon Kingsley, Foster CareSupervisorAnne Redcay, Group HomeSupervisorLaura Demastus, Permanency UnitSupervisorDonald Fitzkee, Development &Interpretation CoordinatorFostering Hope is the quarterlynewsletter of COBYS Family Services,a Christian family service agency,affiliated with the Atlantic NortheastDistrict of the Church of the Brethren.Editor/Designer: Donald R. FitzkeeCOBYS Family Services1417 Oregon RoadLeola, PA 17540Phone: 717-656-6580Fax: 717-656-3056www.cobys.orgBuilding BridgesThe bridge on Oregon Road, located next to the COBYS main office,was under construction for much of the past year. Since I have had anexcellent view of the work from my office window, I now know muchmore about bridge building than I did before.As I watched the work in progress, three things stood out thatseemed to relate to our ministry at COBYS.Starting Fresh. The workers spent a significant amount of timetearing down the old bridge to create space for the new one.Sometimes we need to do the same in our personal lives. In order torebuild relationships, we first must rid ourselves of negative habits andattitudes that have not worked in the past. Old habits often are hard(even harder than concrete) to break.A Solid Foundation. Withthe aid of heavy equipment,the crew spent weeksdigging through layer afterlayer of dirt and rock in orderto lay a foundation strongenough to support a bridge.The value of our belief systemand the family and friendsthat support us isimmeasurable. We may notbe able to see thefoundation that was laid inour lives, but we should be careful not to discount it. Even moreimportantly, we should be prepared to provide that foundation for thefriends, family, and others who so desperately need us.Overcoming Obstacles. I observed great frustration on the part ofthe workers who tried to control Lititz Run. In order to create enoughdry space to pour concrete, water from the creek had to be diverted.No matter how hard they tried, the workers were never able to fullycontrol the creek. They ultimately had to pump water 24 hours a dayin order to create the space they needed. No matter how hard we try,we cannot control every external factor in our lives. We must learnhow to manage the many obstacles that cause us frustration.In many ways, COBYS is in the business of building bridges. Weconnect parents with their birth children and restore maritalrelationships. We make efforts to match adoptive children with aloving family, and we build hope for teen moms who have little or nofamily support. We may not be pouring concrete, but we are trying tobridge the gaps in people’s lives.Over many years, parts of the bridge over Lititz Run had started tocrumble. While the bridge remained functional, the structure neededto be rebuilt before it deteriorated further. We now have a beautifulnew bridge.Relationships need rebuilt too. COBYS continues to help peoplestart fresh, build solid foundations, and manage challenges that standin the way of wholeness.Phil Hershey, AdministratorFostering Hope 2

(continued from page one)“My husband’s parents didfoster care when he was young,”says Sara, “and he has a sister withan adopted daughter and twofoster daughters.”Sara also has two sisters whohave cared for foster children oradopted. Her sister Mary Weaver,and husband, Harold, haveadopted eight children—threethrough COBYS (see Winter 2007Fostering Hope at cobys.org/news)—and another sister and herfamily provide foster care throughLancaster County.Jon and Sara, of Stevens, havetwo birth children and currentlyare caring for a five-month-oldfoster daughter, who they mayadopt. Both Sara’s and Jon’sparents have more foster oradopted grandchildren thanbiological grandchildren.Sara says that their familiescertainly influenced them toconsider foster care. “It wasn’tinfluence as in pressure,” sheexplains. “It was influence as inexposure.”While she enjoyed being anaunt to her older sister’s children,initially she didn’t see herself as afoster parent.“I didn’t realize how all thatexposure gave Jon and me a softheart for the children and all thatgoes on in their lives.”Asked whether she anticipatesadopting eight like her sister, Sarareplies with a smile, “We’re notgiving numbers. I don’t know whatGod plans for me. We’re justcommitted to being open.”That’s what her sister said, too.Like Mother, Like DaughterBrian and Dawn Wenger, ofMohnton, put a different twist onthe “running in the family” themewhen they adopted one of Dawn’sparents’ foster children.Dawn is daughter of John andLucy Nolt, one of COBYS’ longestserving resource families. Johnand Lucy have cared for some 30foster children since 1990, manywith special needs. But there wassomething special about Connor,now four.Once a foster son to John and LucyNolt, Connor Wenger is now their grandson.They are pictured on Connor’s adoptionday in June 2006.“We didn’t plan to adopt,”recalls Dawn. “It was kind of asurprise. We just fell in love withhim. We had three kids and didn’thave room for any more.”But the Wengers, who hadpreviously served as foster parentsthrough Berks County, made roomfor Connor, adopting him in June2006.“I had positive impressionsabout adoption because ofmultiple adoptions in myextended family,” says Dawn.In addition to her parents,Dawn has an aunt and uncle whohave provided foster care andadopted.Built In SupportBeing part of an extendedfamily that understands foster careand adoption offers someadvantages.“They come into foster careand they can hit the groundrunning,” says Sharon of familieslike the Bollingers.Nelson appreciates thatTreva’s parents are supportive.“They know what it’s like,” he says,“and understand the whole ideaand the system.”Families like the Bollingers,Sauders, and Wengers, saysCOBYS caseworker Tonya Weaver,“have a built in support system ofpeople who understand.”Tonya believes thatresource families with somehistory of adoption and fostercare also are more patientand realistic. “They don’tseem to get as frustrated withhow the system works,” shesays, “even when they haveextremely frustrating cases.”“My parents are verygood at keeping us realistic,”Treva agrees. “Mom will say,‘Treva, this is foster care.’”Treva’s parents also havehelped remind her of theimportance of respecting the birthparent.Nelson and Treva maintain arelationship with Camirah’s birthmother, who now lives in Florida,and two foster families who arecaring for Camirah’s birth sisters.Treva says she formed a specialbond with the birth mother during11 months of weekly visits. The factthat both gave birth at about thesame time helped Trevaempathize.“Mom to mom,” she says witha tear, “my heart just goes out toher.”It’s hard to say exactly how thisheart for children gets passedalong in some families. It could beviral. Maybe genetic. We’re prettysure it has something to do withChristian faith.Whatever the cause, COBYS isencouraged that it still isspreading. Nelson Bollinger’scousin and his wife just completedtraining and should be ready soonfor their first foster children.Fostering Hope 3

Still Growing!Bike & Hike Sets New Records for Attendance, GivingThe 12th annual COBYS FamilyServices Bike & Hike set newrecords for participation anddonations, exceeding goals setfor the day.Held Sunday, September 7,at the Lititz Church of theBrethren, the event attracted601 participants and raisedmore than $75,000 for COBYSministries, with additional pledgepayments still coming in.The previous records for thisevent, set in 2007, were 550participants and $68,200.“We had another great day,”said event planner DonFitzkee. “We wereoverwhelmed with thegenerosity of the manypeople whoparticipated andthose who supportedthem.”Left: Top Bike & Hike fundraisers(from left) Marty Witman, MariCunningham, Londa Brandt, and FloyFitzkee raised nearly $19,000 inpledges, including Mari’s recordamount of $6,320.Other photos from top to bottom:Some of the 185 walkers begin theirstroll; Lois Witman (right) & Ann Saylorshare a hug. The Witmans alsoshared their grand prize with theSaylors; There was plenty of time for peekabo; TheFrederick-Rissers strike a pose prior to theirmotorcycle ride; A bowl of ice cream topped offan enjoyable ride; Some of the127 bicyclists embark.View a gallery of Bike & Hikephotos at www.cobys.org/news.The eventextended itsdecade-long stringof sunny days,dodging theremnants of atropical storm thatsoaked the region theprevious day.The Bike & Hikeincludes a three-milewalk, 10- and 25-milebicycle rides, and the60-mile Dutch CountryMotorcycleRide.Participantsincluded185walkers, 127 bicyclists, and289 motorcycle riders on180 cycles. A decrease inmotorcycle participationwas more than offset bystrong growth in the numberof walkers and bicyclists.Mari Cunninghambecame the first Bike & Hikeparticipant to raise morethan $6,000 in one year,obtaining pledges of $6,320.Grand prize winners and theirpledge amounts were: MartyWitman, $5,593; Londa Brandt,$4,480; and Floy Fitzkee, $2,450.Witman gave his prize—a patioset donated by Good’s Store—toCOBYS resource parents Dennis& Ann Saylor, who recently wererecognized for caring for their50th foster child. A 15-inch TVdonated by Tom B. Morrissey TV& Appliance went to Londa, andFostering Hope 4

a $100 giftcertificate fromBob Neff Tours toFloy. Anadditional GrandPrize of two tripsto New York City,donated byConestoga Tours,was awarded asa special doorprize.Others raising$1,000 or morewere the Daniel& Wafi Brandt family, Jim Carson& Sierra DeStefano, Clair Hurst,Ray & Peggy Kline, Jim Krantz,Mark & Savannah Myers, Dennis& Ann Saylor, Steve & PattySnyder, Ruthie Spade, andJames Wenger.Eight youth groupsparticipated, including threeChurch of the Brethren groupswho earned gym and pizzanights by raising $1,500 or more.Top youth groups were LittleSwatara COB, Rehrersburg,$3,900; East Fairview COB,Manheim, $2,685; and StevensHill COB, Elizabethtown, $1,550.Nearly 70 businessessupported the Bike & Hike invarious ways. (See “SpecialThanks” below.)Fire Police from companies inBrickerville, Myerstown,Robesonia, and Schaefferstown;and police from Bethel, Clay,and Heidelberg Townships, Lititzborough, and Tulpehocken areaprovided traffic control for themotorcycle ride.The 2009 Bike & Hike isscheduled for Sunday,September 13, at the LititzChurch of the Brethren.Special ThanksNearly 70 businesses and otherssupported the Bike & Hike bydonating cash, food items, grandprizes, door prizes, and more.Special thanks to these sponsorsand supporters for helping to makethe Bike & Hike a great success:Major SponsorSpeedwell Construction, Inc.SponsorsBomberger’s StoreGibbel Kraybill & Hess LLPHawthorne Electric, Inc.Scenic Ridge ConstructionTCW Computer Systems, Inc.The Hess AgencyYoung & Young, Attorneys at LawSupportersAllure Salon & SpaBalsbaugh Insurance AgencyB.G. Mellinger & Son, Inc.Ebersole Brothers Construction Inc.Ephrata RecyclingKapp AdvertisingLongenecker’s HardwareManheim Auto AuctionMartin Paving, Inc.Penway Construction, Inc.Root’s Country Market & AuctionSteffy Printing, Inc.Utility/Keystone Trailer Sales, Inc.Wengers of Myerstown MotorcycleSalesGrand PrizesBob Neff Tours, Inc.Conestoga Tours, Inc.Good’s StoreTom B. Morrissey TV & ApplianceDoor PrizesAllure Salon & SpaCloister Wash & LubeCountry Fare RestaurantDrs. May Grant AssociatesDutch Apple Dinner TheatreDutch WonderlandEngle Printing & PublishingCompanyEsbenshade Greenhouses, Inc.Furman Home for FuneralsHarrisburg Senators Baseball ClubHershey Bears Hockey ClubKapp AdvertisingKauffman’s Bar B Q RestaurantKeller Brothers Ford, LititzKountry KitchenKreiser’s GarageLeola MotortrikeMen at the Cross/Gary SensenichOakmont EnterprisesPepperidge Farm, Inc.Reading Phillies Baseball ClubRick Bridgman/Lee WayneS. Clyde Weaver, Inc.Sauder Chevrolet Company ofManheimShuey’s PretzelsSignature Custom Cabinetry, Inc.Silver Spring Family RestaurantSmith’s CandiesSusquehanna BankThe Country StoreTurkey Hill Dairy, Inc.Village Greens Golf, Inc.Wengers of Myerstown MotorcycleSalesWJTL RadioFoodCrystal Springs Water CompanyHess Brothers Fruit CompanyJohn Herr’s Village MarketOregon DairyStauffers of Kissel HillFacilitiesLititz COBLittle Swatara COBFostering Hope 5

COBYS Truancy Program Expanding Beyond CityIt’s hard to teach readin’, ‘ritin’,and ‘rithmetic when the kidsdon’t show up for class. That’swhere COBYS Family Servicescomes in.COBYS teaches its ownversion of the “Three R’s” toparents and teens so schoolscan better teach theirs andsee a greater percentage ofstudents graduate.This fall, for the first time,COBYS is offering The ThreeR’s for Parents & Youth:Relationship, Responsibility, &Respect outside the city ofLancaster. Educators Susan“Scottie” Altland and HollyHardin began a Tuesdayevening course at Garden SpotHigh School in early November,with 19 parents and youthattending the first session.Scottie and Terry Baker areleading another class at PhoenixAcademy in Lancaster onThursdays. Four more courses willbe offered in Lancaster atMcCaskey East High School afterthe New Year.In cooperation with theSchool District of Lancaster,COBYS has been addressingtruancy and other behavioralissues through the courtapprovedThree R’s program formore than a decade. Last year29 parents and 22 youthattended four Three R’sprograms.“Most of the participants arereferred through district justices,”says Scottie, “others by Childrenand Youth, and some just comeon their own.”Although the program isopen to parents and teens fromthroughout Lancaster County,COBYS educator Terry Bakerexplains how communicationblocks build walls betweenparents and teens at a NovemberThree Rs class at PhoenixAcademy inLancaster.explains COBYS Family LifeEducation Supervisor KirstenFreitag Murray, many are unableto travel into the city. The GardenSpot program is a first steptoward offering the Three R’s atnew locations so more familiescan benefit. (Another program isslated for Columbia this winter.)COBYS works with the TruancyTask Force of Lancaster County,says Murray, and is the county’ssole provider of truancy courses.The Three R’s teaches parentsand youth knowledge, skills, andattitudes to build strongerparent/child relationships andSave the DatesPlease save the dates for these 2009 COBYS events:promote regular schoolattendance. The course coverstopics such as respectfulcommunication, developingresponsibility in teens, andstrengthening bonds. It also helpsfamilies understand schoolattendance policies andestablish their own plans tomonitor and address problembehaviors, including truancy,violence, and drug and alcoholuse.Even though most aremandated to attend, saysScottie, many are glad toreceive help. “They just don’tknow what else to do,” she says.“They are upset that the problemhas gotten this far.”Those who are resistant at firstusually are won over by theacceptance of the educators.“The point of the class is not tofocus on what families havebeen doing wrong,” says Scottie,“but to provide some tools tomove them in a new direction.”Funding for Three R’sprograms is provided by the PADepartment of Health throughthe Lancaster County Drug andAlcohol Commission and SafeSchools, Healthy Students. Newfunding is being sought toexpand the program.•March 12, Informational/Fundraising Banquet, Middle CreekChurch of the Brethren•April 16, Wenger Foundation Praise Dinner, Lebanon ExpoCenter•May 3, Family Fun Walk, Peter Becker Community, Harleysville•September 13, Bike & Hike, Lititz Church of the BrethrenFostering Hope 6

400+ Benefit from Fay Love and Logic SeminarMore than 400foster/adoptiveresource parents,professionals, andothers attended aSeptember 19 Loveand Logic seminar atCalvary Church inLancaster. The eventwas sponsored byCOBYS Family Services and othermembers of the AdoptionCoalition of Lancaster County.Dr. Charles Fay led the daylongseminar on “How to Teachand Raise Responsible Kids(without Raising Your BloodPressure).” Author of a bestsellingvideo series, Dr. Fay ispresident of the Golden,Colorado-based Love and LogicInstitute, an organizationdedicated to making parentingand teaching fun and rewarding.Dr. Fay was introduced byABC 27 news anchor ValeriePritchett, whose weekly “Val’sKids” segment features childrenin foster care who, through theStatewide Adoption andSharing the Joy. Ray & Deb Kneisley celebrated the August20 adoption of their son Shawn with a drop in picnic on September14 at a park near their Columbia area home. In lieu of gifts, theKneiselys encouraged family and friends to help celebrate theoccasion by contributing to the ministries of COBYS Family Services.A total of $355 was given in honor of Shawn’s big day. Pictured areShawn (center) and friends scrambling for the spoils from aSpiderman piñata.Permanency Network, arelooking for permanent homes.Participants gave Dr. Fay highmarks on evaluations, frequentlyciting his use of humor andstories as strengths. Oneparticipant praised Fay for his“skillful weaving of stories with theLove and Logic philosophy.”Love and Logic seeks toshape children’s behavior bycombining firm limits withempathy. Kids fight limits, Dr. Faynoted, but deep down theydesire them. He encouragedadults to avoid power struggleswith children by “going braindead” when conflict arises andwaiting until a later time toestablish consequences.“Reasoning with an angry kid isabout as effective as fighting firewith gasoline,” Fay observed.In the afternoon session, Dr.Fay focused on improving schoolperformance. He noted thatstruggles in school often are anindication that basic needs ofthe child are not being met.“When basic needs are not met,”he observed, “the drive to learntakes a back seat to survival.Meeting these needs unlocks thedoor to achievement.”He recommended focusingon children’s gifts and strengths,rather than on deficiencies.Fostering Hope 7