May issue.pdf - Wingspan

4 TheCatalystSpring 20095By VernonHedrickLaramie County Community CollegeIt’s been almost fiveyears since Heather Hayes’husband, Mark, swallowed a90-day prescription’s worthof anti-depressants andended his own life—butHeather still wears her weddingring.“In my mind I’m still married,”she said. “I don’t date;I still talk about him likehe’s still around. I still carryhis memory with me.”Hayes is far from alone. TheAmerican Association ofSuicidology estimates thatevery suicide leaves behindan average of six survivors.With about 32,000 suicideseach year in the UnitedStates, approximately 1 millionAmericans have becomesuicide survivors in the lastfive years alone.You may know some ofthem. You may work withone, live next to one. Youmight speak to a suicidesurvivor every day and nevercatch a glimpse of the secretemotional cargo he carrieswith him.If you’re a suicide survivoryourself, however, youknow all about it.“I can remember, right afterit happened, thinking: ‘Ok,this is a dream. I’m goingto wake up,’” Hayes said.“I really did believe that forawhile, that I was going towake up, and it was going tobe ok. It took another threeyears before I felt like I wasalive again, not standingon the outside of my lifelooking in.”Sally Spencer-Thomashad been a psychologist foralmost 15 years before herbrother, Carson J. Spencer,committed suicide. Herbrother died a couple ofweeks before the devastatingAsian tsunami in 2004, andSpencer-Thomas couldn’thelp but compare the effectsof her brother’s death onher family to that naturaldisaster.“At first the feelingis very much like that ofdrowning,” she said. “Thenyou come up, and you lookaround and the landscape iscompletely different.”Like Heather Hayes,Spencer-Thomas rememberedthe pain anddisorientation that followed.She lost her sense of time,couldn’t eat or sleep. Sheremembered “lots and lots”of crying. “I remember theworld seemed like a very unsafeplace,” she said. “It wasa very frightening time.”People often don’tknow how to deal withdeath anyway, she said, butsuicide adds an extra layerof complexity. In additionto the expected feelingsof loss and grief, suicideoften introduces other, lesspredictable, conflicting emotionsincluding confusion,guilt and anger.“It doesn’t feel right tobe angry with them, butanger is a very commonresponse,” Spencer-Thomassaid. “Anger is what it is,and it’s there for a reason.People often want to suppressit, but it doesn’t goaway that easily.”Spencer-Thomas saidfeelings of guilt are alsocommon. Survivors oftenask themselves, “Why didthey go instead of me?” or“If I had done somethingdifferently, I could havesaved them.”This, she said, is especiallytrue of parents whohave lost children to suicide.“It’s our world view thatchildren shouldn’t die beforetheir parents,” she noted.It’s only been fivemonths since KelseyAltenbern hung herself inthe Laramie County CommunityCollege ResidenceHall. Her father, MartyAltenbern, is still askinghimself questions that startwith ‘What if…’“I wish we’d done a millionthings differently,” hesaid. “We can beat ourselvesup all day about that.”Altenbern said being aparent means thinking youcan solve your children’sproblems. “We’ll get thatsplinter out, and you’ll beok. The hardest part is realizingthat we didn’t do that.For some reason my wifeand I weren’t able to removethat splinter from Kelsey,and that hurts, and it’s hardto understand how to getthrough that.”For now, Altenbern iscoping with the death of hisdaughter by staying busy.He has been working ona Web site in her memory(www.kelseyannaltenbern.org), and he and Kelsey’smother are establishing ascholarship in her name.Attempts to become involvedand turn tragedy intosomething more meaningfulcan be a powerfully positiveway to cope, said Spencer-Thomas, whose family establishedthe Carson J. SpencerFoundation to raise moneyfor suicide prevention andsurvivor support.Talking helps, too,Spencer-Thomas said.“People feel like they’realone. It’s nothing peoplehave prepared themselvesfor emotionally.” Though notwo suicides are the same,she said it helps to connectto other families who havegone through a similar loss.“Sometimes, survivors ofsuicide feel like they are theonly ones who have dealtwith this kind of death, andthey don’t know who toreach out to,” she said.Suicide survivor supportgroups exist in most,cities and many on-linegroups are available to thosein rural areas. Many canbe found through www.suicidology.org.Heather Hayes foundan informal support groupin her co-workers—all ofthem, she found out, werealso suicide survivors.Sally Spencer-Thomasstressed the importance ofsurrounding one’s self withsupportive people.“Even when you workthrough all of that—through therapy or supportgroups or on your own—survivors are always leftwith a kind of existentialache,” Spencer-Thomassaid. “The ‘Why’ nevergoes away.”It does, however, becomeeasier to bear with time.Marty Altenbern knowsthis even if his eyes tearup when he talks about it.“We’re looking forward tothe day when we can bejoyful about Kelsey’s lifeand celebrate the 18-anda-halfyears we had and bethankful we had her for thatmuch time, instead of beingsad that she’s gone,” he said.“Right now it’s hard—it’sstill too fresh, and thewound is open.”For Heather Hayes thewound is closed, but thescar remains. “Today I canhonestly say that I’m ok,but ther was a long timewhen I thought I neverwould be,” she said. “Now Itend to take joy in the smallthings—I can find happinessin almost anything.But it’s a process. Peoplesay, ‘You need to quit grieving;you need to get over it.’But that doesn’t happen—we’ll never get over it. Itjust becomes less of a shock.You get more used to it, butit’s always there.”Dominic Benintende“At first the feeling is very much likethat of drowning. Then you come up, and you lookaround and the landscape is completely different.”Sally Spencer-Thomas: suicide survivor