LDAlast pageDavid AustinWe’re Not Happy Until You’re Not HappyEvery now and <strong>the</strong>n, we at <strong>the</strong> LDA Research andDevelopment Laboratory located in Bunkie mustreport to our membership <strong>the</strong> results <strong>of</strong> some <strong>of</strong> ourlatest research. Frankly, much <strong>of</strong> what I must report isnot so good.One <strong>of</strong> our latest developments has now been<strong>of</strong>ficially abandoned. It seems that a research teammember came up with <strong>the</strong> idea <strong>of</strong> installing a bellymower under a Hoverbat electric scooter. Our hopewas for this to enable some <strong>of</strong> our elderly members,who don’t get around very well, to mow <strong>the</strong>ir ownyard. Unfortunately, battery power was not up to<strong>the</strong> task and several members who tried <strong>the</strong>se wereshocked when <strong>the</strong>y accidentally ran over <strong>the</strong> attachedextension cord. We also had one incident wheresomeone accidentally turned <strong>the</strong>ir shag carpet into aBerber.A concept we are still working on is a creditcard that will totally prevent identity <strong>the</strong>ft. We haveactually found a way to imbed <strong>the</strong> credit card owner’sDNA into <strong>the</strong> magnetic strip. However, extracting<strong>the</strong> owner’s DNA has become somewhat <strong>of</strong> a painfulprocedure. Also, during recent trials, whenever <strong>the</strong>member is late with a payment, <strong>the</strong> bank wantsadditional DNA. We hope to go public with this nextyear but finding volunteers for additional research hasbeen difficult.A recent engineering feat that does hold somepromise is <strong>the</strong> LDA WattMill. We have developeda windmill that generates a substantial amount <strong>of</strong>electricity utilizing <strong>the</strong> ever present wind along much<strong>of</strong> our coastline. We have found <strong>the</strong>se low rpm mills tobe quite efficient. At just 25 rpm, it generates enoughelectricity to supply 3 average houses. At 50 rpm, <strong>the</strong>reis enough to power 12 homes. However, at 300 rpm,you are in a category 2 storm and should leave and gonorth immediately. Our 3 prototypes are still missing.A safer location with plenty <strong>of</strong> hot wind for our nexttrials will be at our Washington, D.C. site.Not everything we have done so far has been afailure. I am happy to report that at <strong>the</strong> beginning<strong>of</strong> summer, many <strong>of</strong> our sou<strong>the</strong>rn dentist chickenfarmers were complaining that it was so hot many <strong>of</strong><strong>the</strong>ir chickens were laying boiled eggs. One <strong>of</strong> ourresearchers quickly came up with <strong>the</strong> idea <strong>of</strong> feeding<strong>the</strong>se chickens crushed ice, which totally cured <strong>the</strong>problem.The last report I have for you is actually an excitingone that our research team accidentally stumbled uponwhile trying to develop a simpler dental tax form. Webelieve we have actually found <strong>the</strong> heaviest element yetknown to science. We have named this new element,Governmentium (Gv). Gv has one neutron, 25 assistantneutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistantdeputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass <strong>of</strong> 312.These 312 particles are held toge<strong>the</strong>r by forces calledmorons, which are surrounded by vast quantities <strong>of</strong>lepton-like particles called peons.So far we believe this element to be completelyinert, but recent experimentation using money as acatalyst, Governmentium appears to transform intoa new element we call Administratium. This elementradiates just as much energy as Gv since it has halfas many peons but twice as many morons. We havefound no good use for ei<strong>the</strong>r <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong>se elements;however it seems to continually take up much <strong>of</strong> ourtime.Our next report, to be published in about a year,should contain <strong>the</strong> results <strong>of</strong> <strong>the</strong> testing <strong>of</strong> our newcombination handpiece/cellphone. Early trials so farhave resulted in several pierced ears. We shall perfectthis and will always remain at your service.40 LDA <strong>Journal</strong>
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