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The Stranger Or the Boy from Belcourt

The Stranger Or the Boy from Belcourt

The Stranger Or the Boy from Belcourt

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THE STRANGER, OR THE BOY FROM BELCOURTto ponder <strong>the</strong> existential underpinnings of selfhood and suffering, which would later serve as<strong>the</strong> fuel for his fiction and essays. 192<strong>The</strong> experience of illness gave Camus <strong>the</strong> vocabulary to articulate a certain selfawareness,which allowed him to see himself and o<strong>the</strong>rs more clearly. “It is to <strong>the</strong> mostspiritual souls, assuming <strong>the</strong>m to be <strong>the</strong> most courageous, that it is given to live out <strong>the</strong> mostpainful tragedies,” Camus recorded in August 1938, quoting Nietzsche. “But it is for thisreason that <strong>the</strong>y honor life, because it is to <strong>the</strong>m that it shows its greatest hostility.” 193 ForCamus, suffering and tragedy were associated with honor and courage, not because <strong>the</strong>ygave life meaning in <strong>the</strong>mselves but ra<strong>the</strong>r because <strong>the</strong>y presented man an opportunity torevolt against his mortal limits. What mattered most in Camus’s burgeoning philosophicalsystem, <strong>the</strong>n, was an individual’s reaction to his Absurd condition — that one defines oneselfthrough one’s acts and mindset, despite life’s tragedies and tragic end. 194A May 1935 entry in Camus’s notebooks, where he cites his high school philosophyteacher, Jean Grenier, reveals <strong>the</strong> importance Camus attached to self-awareness achievedthrough adversity and suffering: “Grenier: We always have too low an opinion of ourselves.But in poverty, illness, or loneliness, we become aware of our eternity. ‘We need to be forcedinto our very last bastions.’…That’s exactly it, nei<strong>the</strong>r more nor less.” 195As Camus’s repeated references to him show, Jean Grenier greatly influenced <strong>the</strong> illand impressionable Camus. 196 197 With his tuberculosis in remission, Camus returned to Le192Death in <strong>the</strong> Soul, an account of Camus’s travels to Prague and Italy in 1936, beautifully captures <strong>the</strong>recurrent solitude and anxiety Camus felt as a young man: “Around me were a million human beings who hadbeen alive all this time whose existence had never concerned me. <strong>The</strong>y were alive. I was thousands of kilometers<strong>from</strong> home. I could not understand <strong>the</strong>ir language. <strong>The</strong>y walked quickly, all of <strong>the</strong>m. And as <strong>the</strong>y overtook andpassed me, <strong>the</strong>y cut <strong>the</strong>mselves off <strong>from</strong> me. I felt lost…I started to feel anxious…Something in my rapid pacealready seemed like flight…I feel uneasy, hollow, and empty…I was afraid of being sick, <strong>the</strong>n and <strong>the</strong>re, in <strong>the</strong>midst of all those people ready to laugh; still more afraid of being alone in my hotel room, without money orenthusiasm, reduced to myself and my miserable thoughts. Even today, I still wonder with embarrassment how<strong>the</strong> weary, cowardly creature I <strong>the</strong>n became could have emerged <strong>from</strong> me…At that moment I had gone as far asI could. I had no more country, city, hotel room, or name. Madness or victory, humiliation or inspiration—wasI about to know, or to be destroyed?…I find it hard to separate my love of light and life <strong>from</strong> my secretattachment to <strong>the</strong> experience of despair that I have tried to describe. It will be clear already that I don’t want tobring myself to choose between <strong>the</strong>m.” Camus, Albert. Death in <strong>the</strong> Soul in Lyrical and Critical Essays. ed. byPhilip Thody, trans. by Ellen Conroy Kennedy. New York: Knopf, 1968. Print. p. 40-51. Italics in original.193ibid. p. 96.194 Though of course Camus had not yet developed his ideas on “<strong>the</strong> Absurd” when he first contractedtuberculosis, defining <strong>the</strong> term here can help us see its roots in Camus’s confrontation with mortality. As hewrites in <strong>The</strong> Myth of Sisyphus: “Man stands face to face with <strong>the</strong> irrational. He feels within him his longingfor happiness and for reason. <strong>The</strong> absurd is born of this confrontation between <strong>the</strong> human need and <strong>the</strong>unreasonable silence of <strong>the</strong> world.” supra <strong>The</strong> Myth of Sisyphus, p. 28195supra Camus, Albert. Notebooks, 1935-1951. p. 5196 Years later, Grenier played down his influence over <strong>the</strong> young Camus, claiming that he had done no more forhim than o<strong>the</strong>r students. Scholars attribute this seeming indifference to Grenier’s jealousy of his star pupil,especially as Camus became increasingly renown in <strong>the</strong> literary world. “Grenier’s relationship with Camus is162

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