issue #07 pdf - Razorcake

MaddyShiftless When IdleMaddyFurthermore, being five feet tall and 105 pounds, I can’t really get behind anything that relies completelyon physical strength. I could be beaten up by a medium-sized dog, to say nothing of a viking!January 1st, 2002! For the firsttime in my short existence,New Year’s actually marks avisible change in my life! No moreworking eighty-eight hours aweek! Now I’m down to a mere,uh sixty hours, plus writing, volunteering,fighting The Man, eatingcandy, and listening to the Dils!Not bad at all! And I’m still waitingfor my check from Ross Perot!(See last issue.) Anyway, with allof this extra time on my hands, Ican finally address one of the mostimportant debates in the history ofhumanity. Yes, that’s right, at longlast, a Razorcake columnist willanswer the age-old question of...drumroll, s’il vous plait... Whichgroup is more punk: pirates orvikings?I know, I know, you’d thinkthat such a question would takevolumes of text to merely scratchthe surface, but I propose to youthat one column is all it’ll take!If the Wisconsin punk sceneis anything like your local scene(which I’m fairly sure it is not),you’re used to this debate by now.Parties full of violent arguments,punks grabbing each other by thethroat and shouting, “Aaarrr!”while another, horned-hat wearing,Steel-Reserve-drinking punk grabshim from behind and wrestles himto the floor! Punks vs. punks!Pirates vs. vikings! All right!No party in Wisconsin iscomplete without someone drunkenlyyelling at all the out-of-townersand any newcomers, “Whichside are you on? Pirates orvikings?” thereby starting thewhole debate all over again.At Christmas one year, onlypirate and viking-themed giftswere exchanged. On-stage banterat local shows often addresses thedebate, and our one celebrity(excluding the temporary residenceof one Milo Aukerman, aswell as, I think, Ben Weasel), Rev.Norb (of Dickies-inspired bandBoris the Sprinkler) addressed thisissue in a Hit List column. ButNorb focused more on the obscuresports metaphors involved. (Noteto readers: ANY18sports metaphor qualifies as“obscure” to this punk rocker!),and, therefore, the issue clearlydeserves more attention.Early on, I gave my allegianceto the pirates, even thoughmy boyfriend at the time was aconfirmed viking. (I know, I know,what was I thinking?) His bandcreated vikings-themed bumperstickers, and their one pirate-supportingmember almost changedsides “for the sake of band unity,”until I confronted him! With thebattle lines so firmly drawn, thescene was consumed with apirates-and-vikings-themed frenzy!Okay, so maybe you can fileall of the above under: ReasonsNot To Move to Wisconsin; butthat would imply that Wisconsinhas, at least once, entered into yourmind as a potential place to relocate.Seeing as how I have nevermet anyone who even momentarilyentertained that option (and I takegreat pride in coming from such astate!), maybe it would be best toforget about Wisconsin for a while,and address the debate itself.Why Pirates Are Cooler ThanVikingsAlthough both pirates andvikings are sea-faring people, theyare about as similar as LuckyCharms and a box of All Bran. Inthe following ten steps, I will conclusivelyprove the superiority ofpirates once and for all.1. Pirates rob, cheat, steal, scam,and engage in acts of trickery. Anyrespectable punk rocker knows thejoys of scammin’ and stealin’! It’swhat makes a shit job bearable! It’swhat allows zines to exist! It’swhat we live for! Most of you areprobably familiar with Scam zine(One of the best zines ever. A punkthief’s delight!). Just think: if ithadn’t been for pirates, Iggy Scammight be a bank teller or middlemanager! Instead of squatting,stealing, and scamming, he mightbe an assistant manager at Barnesand Noble! For shame! And, IggyScam pays tribute to his influencesby naming one of his many squatsthe Mutiny! All right!Vikings, in contrast, obtaintheir treasures through acts ofplundering, murder, and rape. Andwhile every big business couldstand to be plundered, and while Ikeep waiting for a crazy riot tohappen in my city so I can participatein the massive looting with therest of the rabble… murder andrape, duh, are not cool.Furthermore, being five feet talland 105 pounds, I can’t really getbehind anything that relies completelyon physical strength. Icould be beaten up by a mediumsizeddog, to say nothing of aviking!2. Pirates robbed the kings andqueens of Europe. They stole fromthe rich, state-funded explorers.They ransacked huge ships controlledby the big businesses oftheir time.Vikings plundered everythingthat they could plunder.(Note to self: In the past fifteenminutes, I have used “plunder”more than I have in the entire pasttwenty-two years.) One of the firstrules of punk scamming is: Don’tsteal indiscriminately. Stick toplaces that fall into one of the followingcategories: a.) large, corporate,chain store b.) run by jerks,assholes, etc. c.) run by peoplewho don’t fully appreciate the firsttwo Clash albums. If the Vikingswere around today, they would beshowin’ up at your basement show,breaking down the door, taking allof your rare Necros records, stealingthe door money, and helpingthemselves to your macaroni andcheese! Uncool! Uncool! Pirateswould never stoop so low! As longas you don’t try to transport somethingvia the sea, or own a largebusiness or nation, you’re in theclear!3. Pirates wear cool clothes. Lotsof black, eye patches, hooks forhands, peg legs, striped shirts, tattoos.Pirates are hardcore! Ofcourse, they do sometimes wearfrilly shirts, and I don’t really seethe need to carry around a parrot,but, all things considered, piratefashion is where it’s at.Vikings wear dumb manclothes,sandals, and lots of armor.Of course, there’s no debating thatthe horned helmet is cool, butbesides that, the vikings were not afashionable lot. They lacked theswashbuckling allure of the pirate.Pirates were today’s punks: tattooed,wearing lots of black,