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tention and it swelled with blood likea cock. He quickly began Bshing 'around for the veMs urethra with anold point held just sharpened on amatchbook Soon pulling up blood,he pressed the brown juice againstgravity and relaxed.Nodding off, he caught a senseof his imminent stardomSinking into the couch, he remindedhimself it was all just a temporaryexperiment,aphase, a rightofpassage he needed to take just to helphim stay sane and survive in a worldgreedy capitalists had fucked up.Junkies defied the status quo ... Theneedledanghgfromhisarmequatedwaving a middle finger at those bastanisin Washington and at powerhungrycops on the s-t.Randy smiled and made a low,gutturalsound. Hewould writeaboutit alllater, when he got good at playingthe guitar hedidnft takeout of thedoset very often. Held sing the wayBurroughs spoke, detached andraunchy. With Cobain gone, somebody had to take over the mantlewhyshouldnit it be him Mosteveryoneelse,evenVeder,had sold out Sowhy shouldnit it be him? After a fewmore months of education in thissheet school of hard knocks, he toowould be able to speak in cloventongues of fire and cut through thebullshit.Floating along on apatheticclouds, Randy rubbed his nose rawand mumbled, "Kurt! Fuck,man ... Kurt."Ever since Salt Lakeis premierinvestigative joumal, the Priwrte Eye,published Ben Fulton's superfluousarticle about local junkies a fewmonthsago,thecoffeshopsand brewpub of thts fair valley have been a-buzz with talk about these ywg,green-skinned dope zombies. Havingearned my Ph.D. in Primatologyback at Harvard in "odd six" andtaught budding young lads aboutAustralopithednes for over 40 years,I wnsider myself well qualified tonow extend my perusing eye at thecurious hornitrid sub-species knownpopularly as 'The Junkie."While discussing "The Junkie,"people often debate over cranial andcerebral anomalies, behavioral dysfunction,similarities with the phenomena known popularly as "IdiotSavant," emotional atrophy, adolescentaspirations towards the rockandD-- - -Undeniably, these and othercharacteristics may help an investigatordig under The Junkieis skin.But, I thought to myself one earlyA.M. in a deep Socratic trance, I haveseen this all before. . . As synapsesopened and closed, it hit me, TheJunkieclosely parallels a phenomenaall too familiar to native Utahns-The Mormon.Although I am sure this will notsurprise many of you, some readers-esp.Junkies and Mormons--may initially resist suchcomparisons.In defense of my position, r simplyaskaiticsto thinkfora mornentabouthow easily and frequently ex-Mormonsbecome Junkies as if alreadyfamiliarwitha territorywhich,onthesurface, seems to exist in stark contrastwith the safe, padded moms ofMonnon life. (Hold onto this thoughtlustily, as if it were a sexual organ inyour hand, and read on.)As a scientist, allow me to compareand contrast these two categories.First, in a binary list:4 The Mormons: Have "holier thanthou" attitudesAThe Junkie: have "holierthan thou"attitudes4 The Mormons ~ilieve they possessprivilefed spiritual knowledgeand practicesA The Junkie: Consider themselvessheet smart like MTV gangsta rapF4 The ~ormon: set themselves apartfrom othersA The Junkie: Set themselves apartfrom others4The Mormon: often bring converts(esp. boy friends and gul friends)into"the fold"A The Junkie: Often bring converts(esp. boy Mendsand girl friends)into"the fold"4 The Mormon: New converts especiallyzealousA The Junkie: New converts especiallyzealous4 The Mormon: Ex-Mormons oftenbecomeextremely bitterand preachyA The Junkie: Ex-Junkies often becomeextremely bitter and preachy4 The Mormon: Often conform toMormon sqio-cultural clichbs whilequotingfroihFrosYs poem, 'TheRoadLess Traveled"A The Junkie: Often fulfill Junkiesociocultural clichh while touting"individuality" and quoting punktock lyrics4 The Monnon: Adherents willingsacrifice autonomy to "higherpavef-GODA The Junkie: Adherents willing sacrificeautonomy to "higher power"-SMACK -4 The Mormon: Participants t~gularlypartake of a sacrament-bread(symbolizes body of CMst)and water(symbolizes blood of Christ); cemmniouslyeaten from trays in silenceA The Junkie: Participants regularty. partake of a sapment-sma& cer-emoniously "cooked" with water in as+n, drawn up through a cottonfilter (for purification) into a syringeand insertedintoavein; theuserdrawsa small spurt of blood into the rig andpresses the liquid into blood streamtowards brain to attain religious ecstasy.As a scientist, I find myself oftenamazed at how thoroughly members afrom each group seek to adhere tostereotwe. It must be rememberedt~~*thatsomediversityexistsewnamong Mormons and Tunkies. Some~o-ns donit go todenera1 Conference.Some Junkies donlt go to PioneerPark. Some Mormons donlt getmarried in the temple. Some Junkiesdon't whore themselves for dope.Some Mormons donlt obey their'Word of Wisdom" Some Junkiesdonlt do speed balls. Some Mormonsdonit go on missions. Some Junkiesdonlt get themselves lstrung-outf (foryou youngsters just learning the lingofrom your first Burroughs book, orCobain epitaphs, lstrung-outf refersto physiological addiction).Far from complex, both groupshave analogous roles, geshuys, andslang. Letls compare just a few:What Mormons refer to as "special,"Junkies call "fucked up." Mormonsask each other, during moments ofillruhination, Ican you feel it?i (HolyGhost), and Junkies, at similar moments,ask, lcan you feel it?i (smack).When Mormons choose to dedicatethemselves fully to their cause, theyannounce, 11im-goin~ on a mission:?and Junkies, as they realize the depthof their commi&t to heroin , killsometimesannounce, "I thinkIfmgettingstrung out." Finally, Mormonsgive away Mast offeringsf and tithing.Junkies shap the "wash" from theircottons as well as their (bleached?)needles with thosein need. Althoughboth groups offer little to a conversation,both can be pleasant and occasionallyeven generous.Gth groups have also dewlopedways to rationalize tReir behaviorthrough denial For Momns, pxemaritalintercourse is bad, but blowjobs are forgivable if youire in love; forJunkies, screwing over your buddies isbad,but sneakinia bi&rchunkof thedope for yourself is forgivable if youhpped? it. Mormon men often say,ljust one mre blow pb, honey, andthen thatis it$ or, "we'll" get maniedmissions. Although human beings, ingeneral, are curious creatures whowant to experiment, learn about newand strange things, and occasionallytry to destroy themselves, only somehave the capacity to defy commonsense for extended periods of time.That is, while most of us drank Dranoas children, sniffed glue during adolescence;andattended somereligiousservice or banged a few speed balls inourearly twenties,fewchoosetodedicatethemselves to any one thingmohomniacally. Expetimntation isall just part of growingup-likeleamhigto drive, or that Arst kiss. Curiously,though, some fob end up gettingcaught up in such activities on afull timebasisanddedicabethed\ne9. to theMormon religionasaconvert,ormissionary-sticking the Book ofMonnon in their faces daily--andother fob obsess over Heroin andpoke themelves with needles.Ratherthancriticizeeitherchoice,letfs instead recognize the pursuit ofboth ~henomenas the evidence of aw~&,middlec~ass whereinadhknts to either extreme sense anemptiness intheirlives that Walonecannot satisfy. A lucky few discoverexploratory masturbation, homosexualitv,and/oralcohol,but the restseekes&efrommiddle&ss mayonnaisemediocrity either through Mormonism(zealously seeking to bleachtheir already pale souls until they feellike Scandinavians), or heroin (attemptingto "darken" their souls with"Mexican brown" until they feel likeHome Boys, Fly Girls, and suaveCholos, or die hyh&.Do either group threaten the fabric of our great land? Rarely do rnembersof eithergroupmeanothers harmMormons haw staying power, andoften remain Mormons throughouttheir entire lives. The guilt seems toleach away at onefs willpower muchslower,and yet morethomghly thanany narcotic. Like methadone, Mormonismisnit water soluble, and bothseem to absorb into onefs very bones.And Junkies? In spite of the pos;sibility that Junkles might rip youoff,p&onyou,ordieinyourapartnu?nt,more often than not theyfll just sitcomplacently on yarrcoufh,o;a publicsidewalk, and scratch themselves.Through either death, boredom, ormaMty, theyill eyentually move ontosom&hing else.