Moving Finger - Issue 3 - Brunel University

‘All right, bird?’ she said.
‘What ya want this time? I ain't got no more fags or medicinal whisky,’ said Grandma,
riled at the intrusion into her game of solitaire.
‘I baked you a cake, you miserable old moo!’ said Little Red Riding Hood.
"Oh, thank you, dear. What is it? Vodka-and-Pants Pie? That's my favourite.’
‘No, it's a new one, Magic Pie!’ replied Little Red Riding Hood.
‘What's in it? It's not gonna kill me, is it? Cos I ain't got nothing you can have in me
will,’ said Grandma apprehensively.
‘No, you ungrateful old bird, I baked it especially for you.’
‘Sorry dear, but you can't be too careful these days,’ said Grandma.
‘Oh, but how right you are!’ said the Wolf, who was wanting outside.
Little Red Riding Hood left the house, feeling proud that she'd done something good
for her Grandma and skipped home, but not without checking first to see if anyone was
watching.
‘So, Little Red Riding Hood, you'll do anything for Grandma, will you? Well, let's see
if you'll come to her when she says she's got a nice present for you,’ said the Wolf.
Grandma ate the pie and started to see all sorts of strange things: lava lamps in the
rafters of her house, rocking-horse people eating marshmallow pies and a seven-foot-tall
spider wearing scuba gear!
‘Hello old woman,’ said the colourful arachnid. ‘Would you like some weak lemon
drink?’ (It is a well-known fact that old people like weak lemon drink and can be led
anywhere when following the scent of this irresistible concoction.) Without another word
he swallowed her whole as she approached him for the enticing drink, then dressed
himself up in her clothes (the furry perv always had a soft spot for flameproof nighties)
and phoned Little Red Riding Hood on Grandma's mobile phone. ‘Hello, Red, is that
you?’ said the Wolf
‘Yes, it's me. What's the matter with your voice, Grandma? It's gone all rough and
deep,’ replied Little Red Riding Hood.
‘Oh, I found some old Players' Navy Cut ciggies under the bed and they're really
strong. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to come over and share them with me. I
know you like a good strong snout. I've got some Wincarnis as well, so we can have a
party.’
‘Yes, all right then, seeing as Steve's stood me up; we was going to play marbles in the
backyard but he's not turned up. See you in a minute.’
So she set off again to Grandma's, skipping through the forest. When she got there,
everything seemed normal: size twenty-four knickers on the washing line, the awful smell
of boiled cabbage hanging in the air, weekly delivery of industrial strength blue-rinse,
waiting on the doorstep. When she entered the house, Grandma was tucked up, looking
distinctly bulbous.
‘Why are you in bed, Grandma? You said we were going to have a party,’ said Little
Red Riding Hood.
‘Come closer,’ said the Wolf.
‘My, Grandma, what big eyes you've got!’
‘All the better to see you with,’ said the Wolf.
‘My, Grandma, what big ears you've got!’
‘All the better to hear you with,’ said the Wolf.
‘My Grandma, what a big nose you've got!’
‘All the better to smell you with,’ said the Wolf.
‘My, Grandma, what halitosis you've got! Do you want some special toothpaste?’ said
Little Red Riding Hood.
‘You cheeky bint!’ cried the Wolf. ‘I'm not your Grandma. I'm a wolf and I'm going to
eat you and your false eyelashes all up.’
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