english journal 8 (1/08) the gunnery washington, connecticut

Confusion is the beginning to all the problems. What is confusion? Is it the lack ofunderstanding, or uncertainty? Or is it the unclearness of one’s mind? The confusion isendless. The world just keeps on spinning, at least in my mind. Why does this happen? And it isunclear why it happens to me so often. All the words come out, but they seem to be confused.I speak my mind, and open up to the one I care for; their reaction is something that isuncertain. The uncertainty is the key factor in the equation that confuses me; it scares me tohave that lack of knowledge. The knowledge that I lack is not only of what she is thinking, butalso how she is reacting when I am not around. Does she go and speak of my emotions to herfriends, or does she keep it personal, and not laugh about it with peers? The confusion cloudsmy mind. My mind only lets me think about her, I can’t escape the whirlwind. Whenever mymind is clear, it seems as though the cloud comes right back after me. She is everywhere, she isunbeatable, and she is untouchable. Though I do not give up, it is the confusion that ultimatelyscrews me. I try and understand, but I find that the cowardliness inside defeats my efforts. I“talk the talk,” and then try and deliver, but in the end it usually fails. Efforts that end inrandom flowers are the only ones I seem to deliver on. But my mind is looking for somethingmuch different. I know what I want, but the goal is hard to reach. I bring layers, for the journeyis tough, and I pack extra food for I will not be returning soon. The challenges I encounter seemto become a haze in the distance as I focus my words. I speak with no regret. Nothing thatcomes from my mouth can be taken back, so there is no real reason for regret. There are somethings that I wouldn’t say if another chance were to arise, but I have no regret for the things Ihave said. Sitting for days, rotting away, I come to my senses. Talking is the key to terminatingthe confusion. Although this confusion arose from talking, the only practical way of getting ridof it is also talking. Talking can be hard; should I tell her that I have feelings for her again, orshould I be more conservative and see where the conversation goes? But really, she alreadyknows everything that I see in her, and I just want to know, is there any mutuality in this, or amI alone? If the world could spit out answers, there would be no point to working. Working iswhat I must do, I must dig deep to find answers, and that is what I shall do. Until next time……Francesco Cristobal DelMonteEnglish Journal 8 (January 2008) 48