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Hog Island elite
Alice, my Republican lover, came over
ast night in a rage. “You voted for
bama,” she accused.
It was true. I was vaguely aware of
ssues in the presidential race – crumling
financial markets, working people
orfeiting their retirements to CEO
onuses, a world in chaos and trillions
dded to the deficit without anything to
how for it.
But the truth was, I voted for Obama
ecause Susie, my Shades girl, gave
e a day-old hazelnut-chocolate chip
uffin. As a Republican, Alice should
nderstand free market principles as
hey apply to voter preference. I tried to
xplain but she wouldn’t listen.
“You’re an elitist,” she accused. “I
ate elitists. They don’t agree with me
n how things should be and think they
now how things should be.” She
tormed out of the house.
Alice kept a West Bank real estate
ogul as a side lover. He was a high
arty official known for throwing expenive
GOP fundraisers at the Pines. But I
asn’t worried; she always came back.
here is something about trailer house
oving a woman can’t resist.
However, I did like the idea of being
n elitist. It’s not a word often associat-
Thalia Hummus, who was recently
elected to Wyoming’s lone
Congressional seat, said she is “fine”
despite the fact that she now has a real
job.
She said the campaign trail has worn
her weary, but she is happy to be at
home with her family now.
“I’m home and I’m fine,” she said. “And
though I can’t take [daughter] Myra and
[dog] Todo with me, Mrs. Hummus is
going to Washington.”
She will return to her home and spend
time with her family before going back to
Washington D.C.
She said some time at the ranch will
get her in touch with her Wyoming roots,
and prepare her for the storm in
Washington D.C.
“The grit of my ancestors is unlike anything
you can find on paper,” Hummus
said. “And my ethos is as frisky as a
Wyoming tumbleweed.”
Hummus said that she can’t wait to get
to Washington and start ‘blending in with
the Democrats.”
But she also said she is ready for a
www.PlanetJH.com updated daily l Planet Jackson Hole l November 12 - 18, 2008 33
HOMEGROWN SATIRE
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ed with Hog Island. I decided to go to
town and bask in my new stature.
I stopped at Kmart where Vidal was
just getting off from his third job. He
had also voted for Obama. “Let’s go to
the bagel shop,” I told him. “We’re elite
A Redneck
Perspective
by Clyde Thornhill
now and it is appropriate that we eat
bagels.”
At the Bagel Shop we met Linda,
another Obama voter. She worked and
studied her way through college and
was now a teacher. She waited tables
after work and on weekends to pay off
her student loans. Like Obama, Linda
had been raised by a single mother, so
she was even more elite than me. I tried
not to be envious.
fight.
“I’m gonna’ tow that party line,” she
said. “And hook some real non-part-asian
bickering. I’m gonna take on all those
pickles in that barrel. Those guys allocate
their things to places they don’t belong,
but I’ll show ‘em where to put it – in the
bank!”
She said her experience hoarding mineral
wealth and failing to get business
schools off the ground will help her take
on tough part-asian-ship in Washington.
She said those are the main reasons she
was elected.
She also thanked her volunteers,
campaign staff and daughters for all of
their support. Hummus said that the
opposition presented by “wealthy liberal
elitist” Larry Browner could not have
been overcome without that help, but
she will miss her daughter, Myra Mixon-
Hummus, the most. Mixon-Hummus will
return to Manhattan where she is a
stockbroker.
Mixon-Hummus gained renown for
photographs taken of her late-night
antics that appeared in a regional tabloid,
LIPSIDE Hummus “fine” despite real job
Several design architects sat at one
of the tables. “Let’s mingle with our new
crowd,” I said. We stopped at their table
and I said, “Can you believe that house
they’re building on Hansen? There’s not
a triangle in the whole place. Or a dome
or half-round roof or even sheet metal.”
I sneered to show my contempt for
commoners. “I’ve heard they even built
the mechanical room big enough for the
equipment.” I shook my head with disdain
as we walked out.
Vidal suggested we donate our
bagels to Orville’s and go to my trailer
and eat elk meat. “OK,” I told him, “but
we’ll have to cut the steaks into tiny
pieces and call them medallions like
they do at the Snake River Grill.”
We bumped into Alice’s GOP lover on
the sidewalk. “Get out of my way,” I
ordered.
“Why should I get out of your way?”
He demanded. “I own four houses, not
counting condos, skimmed twenty million
dollars from my hedge fund before
it went broke, am a member at Club
Lespri and dine with the Cheneys when
they’re in town.”
“We voted for Obama,” I told him.
He scoffed and stepped off the sidewalk.
“Elitist bastards,” he said. PJH
Damn it Jackson Hole! She was known
for her ability to cavort till the wee hours
with hip-hop stars, tennis champions and
luminaries of the art world only to wake
up in the morning and write lengthy press
releases announcing endorsements by
major advocacy groups around Wyoming
like “Citizens for Less Penetration by
Mexicans,” “Citizens for Louder Guns”
and “Citizens who Think Coal Will Be
Clean Someday Despite Evidence
Suggesting Otherwise,” and then drive
her mother around in green patent
leather cowgirl boots.
Though Mixon-Hummus is returning
to Manhattan, she will be at the head of
Hummus’ new staff; an eight-foot pole
carved from a cottonwood that was
killed by lightning on their ranch near
Cheyenne. Hummus said she will only
use that staff when the moon is full and
“the air is full of the ether of homogeneity.”
Hummus said she is very exciting
about visiting all the memorials in
Washington D.C., and meeting Barak
Obama. PJH
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