Viva Brighton Issue #38 April 2016

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column ........................................... John Helmer Quantified Illustration by Joda, jonydaga.weebly.com Kate looks me up and down. “Are you going for a run?” “No, I just think this track-pants-and-woollyhat thing is a good look for me. I’m going to start wearing it to meetings.” Outside, the cars are rimmed with frost. I stagger down the hill to the park and complete a half-circuit before the screaming pain in my lungs causes me to slow to a walk. An eye-watering gust of icy dawn air has me reaching for my handkerchief just as a mother comes towards me with her pre-school infant. “Mummy, why is that old man crying?” says the child. I walk back up the hill and boil myself an egg. “How many steps?” says Kate. I consult my wrist. “I’m going to have to go for a walk later”. I ran all the way round that bloody park, and the Fitbit only gave me three-thousand-nine-hundred poxy steps. This will leave me seriously short of the 10,000 recommended by the American Heart Association as my daily quota, a number Kate seems to cruise past with revolting ease every day. Kate and I both have Fitbits (other brands of torture device are available), and of course they now rule our lives – especially as she is so competitive about the whole thing. Just because she is a florist and has a blue-collar job, rather than having to sit at a desk all day and bang out tosh like this. Later, I am sat in my study banging out tosh like this and contemplating with gloom a comparison of our weekly Fitbit stats (all badges and smileycons for her, patronising encouragement for me) when the 12 year old comes in. Regarding me with a look of doeeyed adoration she wraps her arms around my neck and sits on my knee. “How much this time?” “I need to get some flour to bake brownies, and sweets for Lola’s birthday tomorrow...” She names a sum every bit as eye-watering as the gust that had me blubbing in the park. “I will give you the money on one condition.” At dinner that night, she tells the rest of the family about the evil bargain I have offered, and which she loudly rejected: “he tried to bribe me to wear his Fitbit round the shops so he could get more steps and beat Mummy!” “That’s disgusting, Dad! It’s like the way you buy your followers on Twitter.” “I don’t buy my followers on Twitter: I have simply automated some of my processes and pay a small monthly fee to license the software that—” “—Buys you followers.” From the corner of my eye I notice Kate checking her Fitbit. “What?” I say, a bit tetchily. “Fourteen thousand, four hundred and eighteen.” “Just fuck off.” ....33....
Page 2 and 3: Open Mornings Saturday 14 May 10am-
Page 4 and 5: GREAT VALUE ©2016 Gullane (Thomas)
Page 6: contents (cont) ...................
Page 9 and 10: camilla perkins ...................
Page 11: its and bobs ......................
Page 14 and 15: its and bobs ......................
Page 17 and 18: Joe decie .........................
Page 27 and 28: photography .......................
Page 29 and 30: photography .......................
Page 31: VALUATION DAY Jewellery and Watches
Page 37 and 38: column ............................
Page 39: interview .........................
Page 42 and 43: local musicians ...................
Page 44 and 45: AN ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE by HENRIK IB
Page 46 and 47: National Theatre of Scotland / Live
Page 48: music .............................
Page 51 and 52: music .............................
Page 53 and 54: tattoo convention .................
Page 55 and 56: art ...............................
Page 57 and 58: talking shop ......................
Page 59 and 60: literature ........................
Page 61 and 62: ighton maker ......................
Page 63 and 64: my space ..........................
Page 65 and 66: the way we work This month, Adam Br
Page 67: the way we work Oliver Heath, Heath
Page 70 and 71: 吀爀愀渀猀昀漀爀洀
Page 72 and 73: drink .............................
Page 74 and 75: food ..............................
Page 76 and 77: Photo by Lisa Devlin, cakefordinner
Page 78 and 79: DRUNK .............................
Page 80 and 81: interior design ...................
Page 82 and 83:
䄀䈀䤀刀愀爀挀栀椀
Page 84 and 85:
calais crisis .....................
Page 87 and 88:
health ............................
Page 89 and 90:
football ..........................
Page 91 and 92:
cycling ...........................
Page 93 and 94:
property ..........................
Page 95 and 96:
icks and Mortar ...................
Page 97 and 98:
3D printer at Barclays Eagle Lab br
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Viva Brighton Issue #38 April 2016

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