The Sandbag Times Issue No: 21

squaddie humour
dog to the barrier, walked up to the tank and started
attacking the 57 tonne armoured beast with her
walking stick. (You’re way ahead of me here). The
tank crew found the whole situation a big joke,
giggling away at the ranting of the poor lady who had
obviously been offended by the British Army. The
chuckles soon turned to howls of laughter as the train
passed, the barrier raised suspending poor little fido
helplessly at a great height.
The third book I must mention is ‘Pull up a sandbag’.
Never have I laughed so much at how jokes, pranks
and general life surrounding the troops can go so
badly awry. One particular story that made me laugh
goes like this.
Saw Him Coming?
Squaddie Humour
Michael Gove’s accusation that the use of
Blackadder in classrooms spreads
unpatriotic myths about the First World War
as a "misbegotten shambles" that denigrates the
courage of our troops misses the point entirely.
Indeed, it is the very dark humour and self-deprecating
banter among the rank and file, captured perfectly by
the brilliant characters of Private Baldrick and Captain
Blackadder, that lies at the very heart of the British
Army. God forbid that our children start to take our
military institutions, or ourselves for that matter, too
seriously, as did Kaiser Wilhelm and the rest of his
pointy hat-wearing army junta in 1914. If that
happens we really will lose every war that we fight
or indeed start them, just like "ze Germans". I know
better than most from my time serving in the
Grenadier Guards what makes the British squaddie
such an effective instrument of war and still the envy
of almost every foreign army in the field.
Surprisingly for Mr Gove, it's not the bayonet, it's the
laughter. How else could our servicemen and women
cope with defence cuts that have reduced the British
Army to fewer troops than Sainsburys employs in its
shopping aisles, but still expect them to fight foreign
wars against invisible enemies in the mountains of
Afghanistan? But this is an old tradition going back
for centuries. Soldiers have always had the ability to
laugh at each other and everything else that comes
along in the darkest of times. Three books spring to
mind which ‘tells it how it is’ in the most funniest of
ways. ‘Don’t cry for me Sergeant Major’ is a satirical
look at the Falklands Conflict told from those that
were there. ‘Try not to laugh, Sergeant Major’ was
the sequel telling many fantastic stories from British
Army Over the Rhine (BAOR). Anyone that has read
this book will no doubt remember the tale of the
Cheiftain pulling up to a rail crossing and patiently
waiting for the train to pass before the barrier would
raise. While they were waiting an old lady tied her
Young Sapper X on his second day in the Unit after
completing his Basic Training and Combat Engineer
III course a few days earlier, was called over to the
Troop G10 Store by one of the Troop Corporals who
informed him a a section was tasked to clear an area
of trees out on the edge of the airfield. Two other
Sappers and one of the Troop Lance Jacks were
already clad in Husqvarna (Chainsaw) PPE and were
busy checking that each chainsaw had its full
inventory of spares prior to heading out on the
pending tree cutting task. Sapper X was told to get
the full PPE on ASAP. He proceeded to don his PPE
(leather leggings/chaps, protective gloves, boots, shin
guards and jacket), when the Troop phone rang, which
Corporal T answered. Corporal T wrote out a quick
memo, placed it in a brown envelope and handed it to
young Sapper X explaining that the memo had to be
handed personally to the SSM, who was currently in
his office. Sapper X was told to put on his helmet
complete with visor and ear defenders; the section
would be leaving their berets in the office to avoid
getting them in a crap state during the tree cutting, so
he would need some kind of head dress at Squadron
HQ. Corporal T instructed Sapper X to make sure he
was wear- ing his helmet correctly in the offices,
including keeping the visor down and as he had signed
for the chainsaw he would be using, to take it with
him and to keep hold of it as it was a starred item.
The section would get the rest of the kit loaded and
meet him outside Squadron HQ in 10 minutes, after he
had hand delivered the memo to the SSM. “Make
sure you wait for the Sergeant Major’s reply before
leaving his office” was Corporal T’s final instruction..
Sapper X, not wanting to let anyone down in his first
| 20 www.sandbagtimes.co.uk