The Sandbag Times Issue No: 21

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squaddie humour dog to the barrier, walked up to the tank and started attacking the 57 tonne armoured beast with her walking stick. (You’re way ahead of me here). The tank crew found the whole situation a big joke, giggling away at the ranting of the poor lady who had obviously been offended by the British Army. The chuckles soon turned to howls of laughter as the train passed, the barrier raised suspending poor little fido helplessly at a great height. The third book I must mention is ‘Pull up a sandbag’. Never have I laughed so much at how jokes, pranks and general life surrounding the troops can go so badly awry. One particular story that made me laugh goes like this. Saw Him Coming? Squaddie Humour Michael Gove’s accusation that the use of Blackadder in classrooms spreads unpatriotic myths about the First World War as a "misbegotten shambles" that denigrates the courage of our troops misses the point entirely. Indeed, it is the very dark humour and self-deprecating banter among the rank and file, captured perfectly by the brilliant characters of Private Baldrick and Captain Blackadder, that lies at the very heart of the British Army. God forbid that our children start to take our military institutions, or ourselves for that matter, too seriously, as did Kaiser Wilhelm and the rest of his pointy hat-wearing army junta in 1914. If that happens we really will lose every war that we fight or indeed start them, just like "ze Germans". I know better than most from my time serving in the Grenadier Guards what makes the British squaddie such an effective instrument of war and still the envy of almost every foreign army in the field. Surprisingly for Mr Gove, it's not the bayonet, it's the laughter. How else could our servicemen and women cope with defence cuts that have reduced the British Army to fewer troops than Sainsburys employs in its shopping aisles, but still expect them to fight foreign wars against invisible enemies in the mountains of Afghanistan? But this is an old tradition going back for centuries. Soldiers have always had the ability to laugh at each other and everything else that comes along in the darkest of times. Three books spring to mind which ‘tells it how it is’ in the most funniest of ways. ‘Don’t cry for me Sergeant Major’ is a satirical look at the Falklands Conflict told from those that were there. ‘Try not to laugh, Sergeant Major’ was the sequel telling many fantastic stories from British Army Over the Rhine (BAOR). Anyone that has read this book will no doubt remember the tale of the Cheiftain pulling up to a rail crossing and patiently waiting for the train to pass before the barrier would raise. While they were waiting an old lady tied her Young Sapper X on his second day in the Unit after completing his Basic Training and Combat Engineer III course a few days earlier, was called over to the Troop G10 Store by one of the Troop Corporals who informed him a a section was tasked to clear an area of trees out on the edge of the airfield. Two other Sappers and one of the Troop Lance Jacks were already clad in Husqvarna (Chainsaw) PPE and were busy checking that each chainsaw had its full inventory of spares prior to heading out on the pending tree cutting task. Sapper X was told to get the full PPE on ASAP. He proceeded to don his PPE (leather leggings/chaps, protective gloves, boots, shin guards and jacket), when the Troop phone rang, which Corporal T answered. Corporal T wrote out a quick memo, placed it in a brown envelope and handed it to young Sapper X explaining that the memo had to be handed personally to the SSM, who was currently in his office. Sapper X was told to put on his helmet complete with visor and ear defenders; the section would be leaving their berets in the office to avoid getting them in a crap state during the tree cutting, so he would need some kind of head dress at Squadron HQ. Corporal T instructed Sapper X to make sure he was wearing his helmet correctly in the offices, including keeping the visor down and as he had signed for the chainsaw he would be using, to take it with him and to keep hold of it as it was a starred item. The section would get the rest of the kit loaded and meet him outside Squadron HQ in 10 minutes, after he had hand delivered the memo to the SSM. “Make sure you wait for the Sergeant Major’s reply before leaving his office” was Corporal T’s final instruction.. Sapper X, not wanting to let anyone down in his first | 20 www.sandbagtimes.co.uk
squaddie humour few days, eagerly rushed off with chainsaw in one hand, memo in the other, wearing full PPE, with helmet on and visor down! Our intrepid young Sapper entered Squadron HQ, marched up to the SSM’s door and knocked. Hearing a bellowed “Enter!” he opened the door, marched up to the SSM’s desk and halted smartly a foot from the desk, then handed the memo to the SSM stating he had to wait for the reply. Faced with a young Sapper in full PPE, helmet visor down and Chainsaw in hand, the SSM calmly opened the envelope and read the following memo: Sir, I completed my Basic Combat Engineer Course on Friday last week and was informed that I had to be at 33 Engineer Regiment (EOD) for first parade Monday morning. This completely messed my plans up, as I was looking forward to a long weekend at the minimum after finally completing my Basic Training. I am pissed off to say the least, so I am kindly asking you to fill out a leave pass for me in order to give me a long weekend from this coming Friday. Fail to do so and I will start up this chainsaw and saw your fucking desk in half! Thank You, Sapper X Luckily the SSM had a good sense of humour and even wrote a reply to Corporal T’s Memo. He sent the young Sapper on his way with no reprisals, but no doubt had a quiet word some time later with Corporal T (if SSM’s words are ever quiet!). Army officers in 2002, with the key ingredients being beer, midnight oil and The Idiots Guide to Websites. Initially the site, and particularly its name, ARRSE, caught the interest of military aircrew and the Army's Junior Staff College students, but grew rapidly beyond, to all parts of the regular and reserve Army and all ranks. I read somewhere the perfect way to sum up the squaddie which kind of put into perspective what a squaddie is, why he is like he is, and why very few understand him. WHAT IS A SQUADDIE? Between the security of childhood And the senility of old age Is found the fascinating group of Humanity called “Squaddies” A Squaddie can be found anywhere In love, in bars, in trouble And always in debt Girls love them Towns tolerate them Hotels hide them And governments support them A Squaddie is Laziness with a pack of cards Bravery with a tattoo Ruggedness in uniform And defender of the world With a copy of Playboy He has the brains of a bear The energy of a sea turtle The slyness of a fox The stories of a sea captain The sincerity of a liar The aspirations of a casanova And a desire for people to be free His interests are - Girls Females – women And members of the opposite sex He likes – beer, booze, plonk Alcohol and ale Leave passes And excused all duties chit Three great books, full of great laughs. There are plenty of other outlets where you can find ‘Squaddie humour’ at it’s very best. One such site is ARRSE or to give it it’s official title, the Army Rumour Service. This is a great site for looking at the humour of the British Tom. For over 10 years the Army Rumour Service has been the British Army's busiest and best online community. The site has a broad spread of users, military, ex-military and civilian, from all ranks, services and many countries (primarily British Army of course). It contains a broad mix of content from the deepest intellectual discussions to pure offensive rubbish. The Army Rumour Service is entirely unofficial, although often quoted as a source of comment on military issues by the national media, and more recently a source of opinion for the House of Commons Defence Select Committee. The Army Rumour Service was founded by two serving British He spends his money on Girls, beer, cards And any that he has left He likes to spend foolishly No one else could cram into one pocket Food for 24 hours A packet of crushed cigarettes A box of matches A picture of his girl Receipts for lost equipment A deck of cards And an old leave pass THAT IS A SQUADDIE “Humour in Adversity” www.sandbagtimes.co.uk 21 |
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The Sandbag Times Issue No: 21

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