Men's Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny

124 Mark Harvey Levine
[Turns over a card.]
Now this card here, this is the Six of Cups. It means you are
going to have six cups. Not those plastic purple ones from
Target, like you have now. No, my friend, these will be solidgold
goblets, because you’re indecently rich and you actually
think that’s what wealthy people drink out of. They will be
huge, heavy, gaudy things, with large jewels encrusted in them
right where you would grab them, so that every time you pick
them up you cut the hell out of your hands.
But you don’t care because that’s how rich you are. You can buy
new skin, and you can buy new friends when they all leave you
because you’re doing things like buying immense gold goblets
in the worst possible taste just to show them how very rancidly
rich you are.
[Turns over a card.]
Which brings us to your love life. Because of your gigantic
wealthiness, you will attract a multitude of women. Or men.
Whatever you want! There will be hordes of grasping, fawning
sycophants beating down your door, offering up every possible
sexual delight and perversion—all you have to do is open the
door and point at the crowd! “You, you, and . . . I think . . . you.”
And in they will come, ready to submit themselves to your
most debasing whims, the most sordid, sadistic desires you can
imagine. And, my friend, you can imagine plenty, because you
are grimy with opulence and can afford the many lawsuits that
will follow.
There is your reading! And it is absolutely free! Although,
considering how extremely, disgustingly rich you shall shortly
be, would you like to perhaps make a small donation . . . ?