Men's Comedic Monologues That Are Actually Funny

36 Chris Quintos
But like, for real—the dress!!! Or what I shall lovingly refer to
as “The Sack of Sad.” Kendra has made that poor tiny beautiful
model’s body look like a lumpy bag of hemp protein powder in
the sale aisle of the health food store no one goes to anymore.
Hemp powder is out, Kendra! #Duh. It’s tragic, really. I mean,
Kendra actually has a woman’s body; you’d think she might
know how to make it look good! (I mean, I don’t have one, yet
I manage to do fine.)
[Winks at camera.]
Do you know any woman who wants MORE attention paid to
her hips? I don’t! Not even Shakira wants that. And Shakira’s
hips don’t lie. And the makeup—MY GOD. I know she was
going for “sailor chic meets Bowie”—but it’s more like “sailor
freak meets no one” . . . because she’s ugly. Rude, I say. R-U-D-E.
Rude. That dress is rude. Follow me! @JaviSlays