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When that option was available to me, to test the waters with Jesse outside of S.E.C.R.E.T., I was
only on my third Step. I was certain of a connection with him, but I hadn’t yet made one with myself.
Had I now? How well did I know myself: my body, my mind and my heart? Maybe the better
questions were, where did these three things overlap and where did they remain separate?
S.E.C.R.E.T. dealt in pleasures of the body, an area of my life I’d always ignored. I had lived so far
in my head I had also let my heart atrophy. Mark and I had definitely made a physical connection.
Jesse and I had too. Plus, he was making quiet inroads into my heart. But Will had long ago conquered
all three. I loved his body, his mind and his heart, never more so than today, when his absence not
only preoccupied me but pained me physically, as I imagined him somewhere sad and alone.
So even before I was sure about Will’s feelings for me, I took my cell phone out back into the alley
while Claire manned the floor, the last favor I’d ask before sending her home.
Jesse picked up on the first ring.
“Hey, babe, you still at the hospital?”
“No, I’m at work. You?”
He told me he was about to go into a meeting with clients who wanted a five-tiered wedding cake.
“You must be exhausted,” he said. “So I take it plans tonight are out too.”
“Yeah … I have to stay here, Jesse.”
The silence that followed had mass; I could feel it actually weighing down the phone. Maybe it
was the way I had said his name, like it was punctuation, with a hint of gentle finality.
“Okay … I’m getting the feeling that tomorrow’s not going to be good for you either.”
Inhale.
“Jesse, I think … no, I know … I’m in love with someone else.”
More silence, this time lighter, now that I’d injected it with a bit of truth.
“I see. Huh. Who’s the lucky guy?” he asked, a hint of sourness in his tone.
I told him it was Will, my boss and my friend of many years. I didn’t go into the details; Jesse
didn’t need to hear about our eight-year mostly platonic odyssey, the pining, the fears, the insecurities,
the jealousies, the betrayals, all the drama that had conspired to keep us apart.
“Does he love you back?”
“I don’t know, Jesse, but I need to find out. And I don’t want to string you along or use you as some
kind of net in case he does reject me. And he might. But I need to be all in on this one. After what he’s
been through, I want to be able to be honest if he asks me about you. And you deserve that too. You’re
a good man, Jesse. So so good.”
“Wow. You sound so … I hate to say you sound really fucking sexy, because I’m getting my heart
ripped out, but I really wish I were the other guy right now.”
What more was there to say? Tender well-wishes followed on both our parts. They felt genuine and
necessary.
“I don’t like the phrase ‘I hope we can still be friends,’ Jesse. It sounds so lame. But I really do
hope we can be … something to each other.”
“Cassie, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not great at being friends with women I want to
sleep with.”
The silence widened; there was little left to say.
“I understand.”
We said gentle goodbyes and hung up. I kissed the screen on my phone. I’d been blessed by such
good men in S.E.C.R.E.T., men who, beyond awakening me sexually, also helped me forget the not-