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So he’s mad and called you sluts and whores—”
“I know it sounds like a ludicrous story.”
“Not ludicrous, just incomplete,” he said. “You know, Tracina once said Angela and Kit did some
freaky-deaky things in some mansion in the Garden District. Those were her words—freaky-deaky. I
never pressed her because we’d been out and she was drinking. And I never thought it was any of my
business. But tonight I see that Kit and Angela and you all belong to this same little group, this
S.E.C.R.E.T. thing. Is that what Tracina was talking about?”
Tears that felt like shame started streaming down my cheeks. Why? I had done nothing wrong. But
there it was in Will’s eyes: disgust.
“Will, don’t look at me like that.”
“Tell me, Cassie? Because I’m telling you this: one more fucking lie, one more secret, and I will
snap directly in half. Yes or no. Do you belong to some kind of … sex group?”
Mortification set in, starting at my feet and inching up my body. I hadn’t lied to him. I had only
shaded away parts of the truth that weren’t his to know, or that were beyond my ability to explain to
him. In that moment I made a decision. If Will couldn’t accept the whole of S.E.C.R.E.T., what it did
for me, how it brought me back to me, then it was better I know that now. I opened and closed my
fists, pulling in the courage to tell the truth. I grabbed his hand and looked into his dark blue eyes,
now churning with bewilderment.
“Will you promise to listen?”
“All ears, baby. I’m all ears.”
“Well … I have told you the truth. S.E.C.R.E.T. is a group that helps women. That part is true. But
it helps them … sexually … by granting them a series of sexual fantasies, the kind that help them
develop things like courage and trust and … confidence. Things I always lacked,” I said. His face
remained still, but I could tell his brain couldn’t process the information fast enough.
“Throughout the year, I experienced several … scenarios. I felt terrified, I felt overjoyed. I was
lost and I was found. And by the end of it, I was a different person, but the same too, just stronger,
more myself. Even you said last year when we first slept together that I seemed different, yet very
much the same. That was it exactly. That’s what S.E.C.R.E.T. gave me.”
I paused, waiting for him to chime in, waiting for him to say something, anything, but his face
remained as implacable as an Easter Island statue.
“So after my fantasies, I was offered an opportunity to stay in the group and help other women, or I
was free to leave if I wanted to pursue something else, something real. After I was with you, I chose
to leave S.E.C.R.E.T. Until I found out about the baby and you returning to Tracina. I was bereft.
Belonging to S.E.C.R.E.T. offered me solace, distraction, a sense of purpose. Then when the truth
came out about the baby’s father, I decided it was time to leave S.E.C.R.E.T. Because I could finally
be with you.”
I hoped my words would fill him with some measure of understanding, but they seemed to have
taken the light right out of his eyes.
“So …” he said, blinking hard. “Let me get this straight. You joined a secret sex group. You had sex
fantasies with … how many men last year?”
I took a deep breath. “Nine. Including you.”
“Including me. And how many this year? Do you, like, try to double that number? Is that how it
works?”
“No, there’s so much more to it than that. It’s not about numbers. You’re making it sound—”
“How many men? Do you get a little charm for each guy? Is that how it works? Collect all ten?”