04022017

36—Vanguard, SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2017
Twitter: @yetundearebi
yetty5050@yahoo.co.uk
08054700825
Yetunde Arebi
Little children acting the role of the
father and mother is a very
common game, especially where
you have a couple of them growing up
together in same vicinity. The older kids
play the role of parents while the younger
ones play the role of the children. They
all try to re-enact as much as possible,
what they observe in their different family
settings. While the ‘father’ goes to work,
the ‘mother’ often stays back at home to
take care of the house chores as well as
prepare meals for the ‘family’. The meal,
mainly made of sand is served on pieces
of paper for plates and everyone touches
the sand to their chins to eat. What
happens after this depends on what time
of day is being acted out and what kind of
environment the play is being staged,
secluded or open. Usually, the house
consists of two main rooms. They may be
virtual or real, again, depending on the
environment. The real rooms are usually
divided with the wrappers of someone’s
mother as curtains. The ‘children’ sleep
on one side of the divide while the
‘parents’ sleep on the other. Now, what
takes place in ‘father’ and ‘mother’s room
depend largely on the intelligence,
exposure or awareness and smartness of
the two actors. Many young people
experienced their first kisses and more
behind these curtains.
While visiting a dear close friend at her
home, a couple of years ago, we were
forced to sit on the terrace to gist and play
catch up, because the PHCN had decided
to do what it knows best to do. Her last
child, a four year old boy also had a visitor,
a little girl from their compound who had
come over to play. As we discussed, we
could hear their voices and laughter from
where we were until everything became
quiet suddenly. Perhaps acting on instinct
or just motherly intuition, my friend
asked for permission to go and check on
them. Then, I heard her calling out to me
frantically to come and see something. I
rushed in to find the two children
standing just feet apart from each other,
both with funny looks on their faces.
“What happened”, I asked my friend.
“Can’t you see what is happening here”
she said, pointing to the children and
winking downwards to the direction she
wanted me to look at. I quickly scrutinized
the scene and concluded that something
bad had been interrupted here. My friend
began laughing very hard, pointing to her
son’s now extremely shrunken penis and
the little girl who clutched on to her
knickers in her hand as if her life
depended on it. As my friend kept asking
her son what happened and who took off
his shorts, he just kept looking straight
while pointing his forefinger at the girl.
Initially, I did not quite understand what
was happening but when it finally clicked,
I did not understand why my friend was
laughing and praising her four year old
son for being such a fast Houdini. I found
nothing funny about it.
One major mistake parents of the boy
child make is to erroneously believe in
the alpha male syndrome. Such parents
believe that they have no problems since
their boys can never get pregnant from
their sexual escapades, neither will they
be frowned at or socially stigmatized as
loose and bad boys. So when incidents
such as this happens, they take a standoffish
posture, leaving the girl and her
parents to take the fall, just as my friend
was doing. My Miss-do-good attitude
took over and I just had to let my friend
see things from another perspective. A
little girl already engaging in the
“Cowgirl position” with her male friend
could not have conjured this all by herself.
She must have either seen her parents
having sex or someone else had been
teaching her these moves secretly. This
meant that she was either being abused
or exposed to such by an adult. My second
position was that, should an adult be
involved in this unfortunate incident, then
the poor girl might have been exposed to
STDs, including HIV/AIDS. In that case
too, her son was also in serious danger, I
told my friend. “God forbid”, she cried,
“it is not my portion”. But it can be, I
Catching them
young
The role of many
parents and caregivers
as sex educators
changes as young
people get older and are
provided with more
opportunities to receive
formal sex education
through schools and
community settings
insisted, so it was important that the little
girl’s parents be informed so that they
could conduct a thorough investigation.
If this problem was not seriously
addressed, there is no telling what could
become of the girl as she grows older. By
the time I was done, we were heading
to the little girl’s flat. What we
uncovered at the end of the day, is a
story for another day.
While the girl child may remain the
endangered specie all of her lifetime,
the boy child will remain the sound
board for whatever falls out of any
unwholesome alliance between the
sexes. And then, the beat goes on. That
is why sex education for young people
is compulsory, rather than necessary.
Both sexes must be well grounded if
we intend to do a good job for both
society and humanity.
When Lizzy returned from a business
trip to Abuja and was informed that her
seven year old niece who was spending
the holidays with them had been
caught under the sheets with her five
year old son, she almost whipped him
into a pulp. She said, “I can’t
remember for how long or how many
times I whipped him with the belt as I
had lost control of myself. My
house help and younger
sister had to hold me and
retrieved the belt. As I was
whipping him, I was crying
at the same time. I was afraid
that a little mistake could
ruin his life and ultimately
ours too. I did not touch my
niece at all. I simply called
her mother, who is my sister
to come and remove her from
my house before I killed her.
I was alarmed when our
mother tried to play the
matter off lightly, insisting it
was just a game and that most
children engage in it. She
insisted it was nothing to be
scared about and that I was
taking things too seriously”.
On investigation, they
discovered that a teenage
boy in their compound had
been abusing her and giving
her money, biscuits and
sweets for her cooperation.
My sister wanted to call in
the Police but my mother
again prevailed on her,
arguing that she will only
bring herself to ridicule in the
neighbourhood. That was
how the matter died, but it
was how the issue of anyone
spending their holidays in my
house also died”, she told me
during a conversation.
Sex education that works
starts early, before young
people reach puberty, and
before they have developed
established patterns of
behaviour. The precise age at
which information should be
provided depends on the
physical, emotional and
intellectual development of
the young people as well as
their level of understanding.
What is covered and also
how, depends on who is
providing the sex education,
when they are providing it,
and in what context, as well
as what the individual young
person wants to know or needs to know
about.
It is important for sex education to
begin at a young age and also that it is
sustained. Despite recent increased
awareness, many parents still find it
difficult or think it is inappropriate to
discuss sex with their children. I have
seen parents who prevent their children
from watching even kissing scenes on
the Television rather than take time to
explain what it means to them and why
they are not to engage in any forms of
sexual intimacy with the opposite sex.
We often forget that these children have
access to the television and many other
media channels when our backs are
turned. Giving young people basic
information from an early age provides
the foundation on which more complex
knowledge is built up over time. For
example, when they are very young, such
as in the case above, children can be
informed about how people grow and
change over time, and how babies
become children and then adults, and
this provides the basis on which they
understand more detailed information
about puberty provided in the preteenage
years. They can also when they
are young, be provided with information
about viruses and germs that attack the
body. This provides the basis for talking
to them later about infections that can
be caught through sexual contact.
Indeed, many are against the teaching
of sex education to young people. They
are concerned that providing information
about sex and sexuality arouses curiosity
and can lead to sexual experimentation.
However, in a review of 48 studies of
comprehensive sex and STD/HIV
education programmes in some selected
US schools, there was found to be strong
evidence that such programmes really
did not increase sexual activity. Rather,
some of them reduced sexual activity, or
increased rates of condom use or other
contraceptives, or both. It is important
to remember that young people can store
up information provided at any time, for
a time when they need it later on.
So, when must we start? This is a
question often asked by many parents I
interact with. Sometimes it can be
difficult for adults to know when to raise
issues, but the important thing is to
maintain an open relationship with
children which provides them with
opportunities to ask questions when they
have them. Parents and caregivers can
also be proactive and engage young
people in discussions about sex,
sexuality and relationships. Naturally,
many parents and their children feel
embarrassed to talk about some aspects
of sex and sexuality. Viewing sex
education as an on-going conversation
about values, attitudes and issues as
well as providing facts can be helpful.
The best basis to proceed is a sound
relationship in which a young person
feels able to ask a question or raise
an issue if they feel they need to.
Research has shown that in counties
like The Netherlands, where families
regard it as an important
responsibility to talk openly with
children about sex and sexuality, this
contributes to greater cultural
openness about sex, sexuality and
improved sexual health among young
people.
The role of many parents and
caregivers as sex educators changes
as young people get older and are
provided with more opportunities to
receive formal sex education through
schools and community settings.
However, it does not get any less
important. Because sex education in
school tends to take place in small
time-blocks and can’t always address
issues relevant to young people at a
particular time, parents can therefore
fulfill a particularly important role in
providing information and opportunities
to discuss things as they arise.
Do have a wonderful weekend!!