Dear P&P: Two years ago I travelled to Bangkok on holiday. While I was there I met a kathoey. (I don't like to use the term ``ladyboy`` because people get the wrong idea in their heads). Long story short, we fell in love, and last year I paid for her to come live with me in Canada, with the expectation that she would eventually get surgery and we'd get married. But now, she says she doesn't want to go through with the transition. She says she still wants to be with me, but has changed her mind about getting the operation. As for me, I consider myself to be a straight male, and really don't want to marry another male. What should I do? - One Dick Too Many Dear Dick: You ARE one! And while I was tempted to end my reply right there, I’m afraid you wouldn’t get it, and there would still be one dick too many… So do read on. Starting a relationship with ANY preconceived notion that the other person will change for you, out of love, or simply because you ask them to, is pretty stupid. Pardon my bluntness, but it IS. You don’t even need to bring dicks and vagges into it. How many people have married a smoker, thinking that the other person will quit once they’re married? It doesn’t work that way, hon. These conversations usually take the form of “If only (s)he loved me enough, (s)he would ___.” But rarely does that ever work out to anyone’s advantage. Love’s got nothing to do with it, mainly because love doesn’t work that way. Love must be unconditional (or it’s not really love), and as for change… The simple fact is, the only person you can ever change is yourself. As I read your letter, there were just so many unanswered questions in my mind that I actually wondered whether your situation was real, or if it was just a put-on. Well, call me gullible, but for the time being I’ll actually pretend that you ARE for real and asking this as a serious question. See what a good mood I’m in? First of all, just by you using the term “kathoey,” it tells me that you know at least SOMETHING about Thai culture, or in this case, subculture. You, of ALL people, should know that the term “kathoey” is extremely broad, and is by no means limited to trans women. Kathoey can refer to themselves as male, or even a third gender. In fact, if this person actually TOLD you they were “kathoey,” I might suspect that they see themselves as male, rather than trans-female. If they identified as female, they would more likely use the term “sao praphet song.” So I wonder… Did she really even AGREE to surgery? Or was that wishful thinking on your part? Maybe there was a language barrier. Second, let’s assume for a minute that everything is exactly as you wrote it. My next big glaring question, is: did you actually fall in love with HER? Or did you fall in love with her body and a promise of lady-parts to come? And if it’s the latter, (you horndog), how are you going to love her when she’s a 75 year-old Thai grandmother? You DO realize that marriage is supposed to last a lifetime, right? Or did you think that you’d just trade her in for a younger model when she was no longer attractive to you? Finally, your words asserting that you’re a straight male rather surprised me. Do you really think that a male or female is defined by the parts dangling between their legs? And even if you did, what brought you into this relationship in the first place? Assuming you were attracted by something OTH- ER than her physical features (which might be generous here), her femaleness (or maleness) did not seem to be an issue then. So why is it now? Have you considered researching what being pansexual means? A pansexual is someone who is attracted to a person based on their character and regardless of their gender. Maybe some time spent reflecting on who YOU are is the key here, rather than making an issue out of what you want someone else to be. Pepper & Pearl
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