BeatRoute Magazine Alberta print e-edition - July 2017

Beauty and the Beast
John Wick: Chapter 2
The Lego Batman Movie
T2 Trainspotting
Wilson
Beauty and the Beast
The upside to marrying a beast is you can forgo
getting a family pet.
Mind you, the opposite species in this musical
may not even make it that far.
When the mysterious owner of an abandoned
castle imprisons her father (Kevin Kline)
for theft, independent adolescent Belle (Emma
Watson) embarks on a journey to take his place
behind bars.
On arrival she discovers her father’s captor is
an anthropomorphic beast (Dan Stevens) that
was cursed by a witch, along with his staff (Ian
McKellen, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Emma
Thompson), who are now sentient household
items.
Disney’s semi-live-action adaptation of their
own animated version of the French fairy tale,
this shot-for-shot remake is a visual feast for the
eyes and fun for all ages – even if the beast does
look strange and Belle’s suitors are too mature
for her.
Unfortunately, the success of this fable could
spark bestiality trends among young people.
CHIPS
Escaping from a motorcycle cop is as easy as
jumping off the back of the bike at a red light.
Mind you, the officers in this comedy would
be lucky just to make an arrest.
FBI agent Ponch (Michael Peña) goes undercover
to expose corruption inside of California
Highway Patrol after a rash of armoured car
heists have gone unsolved by the department’s
lieutenant (Vincent D’Onofrio). Unfortunately,
Ponch’s new partner (Dax Shepard) is a retired
competition dirt bike racer with a serious painkiller
addiction.
However, Ponch’s own secret sex addiction is
also keeping him from concluding the investigation.
Based on the 1980s cop drama, this boilerplate
buddy-comedy written and directed by
Shepard falls far short of its intrepid inspiration.
Marred by unfunny jokes, an obvious villain and
over-the-top bike chases, CHIPS is more trash
than tribute.
Unfortunately, funerals for cops who ride
motorcycles do require more than one coffin.
John Wick: Chapter 2
Usually, the second chapter of a retired hitman’s
biography never gets completed.
Surprisingly, the ex-assassin in this action
movie still has his brains inside his head.
Out of obligation to guild rules, former
button-man John Wick (Keanu Reeves) must
liquidate the sister of a notorious kingpin when
he calls in an old mark to keep her from ascending
to the high council of crime. Things go awry
for John when his employer places a bounty on
his head for killing his sister.
To get revenge, John will need help from
another crime czar (Laurence Fishburne).
Picking up after the first movie, this slick
sequel doesn’t waste any time getting down to
highly choreographed fistfights and shoot-outs
that defy physics. But unlike the original, the
story this time around is less emotional and
more brainless.
Besides, the best way to kill a retired hitman
is to poison their early-bird dinner special.
Power Rangers
The most important lesson Powers Rangers
taught children was which colour represents
which race.
Sadly, that useful education tool has been
omitted from this fantasy.
When a disgraced quarterback (Dacre
Montgomery), a troubled cheerleader (Naomi
Scott), an autistic nerd (RJ Cyler), a lesbian
loner (Becky G) and a momma’s boy (Ludi Lin)
unearth ancient colour-coded coins, they gain
unimaginable powers.
Aided by their new mentor (Bryan Cranston),
his android (Bill Hader) and their vehicles that
can morph into a mega mecha, the quintet sets
out to stop a former ranger (Elizabeth Banks)
from finding the all-powerful Zeo Crystal.
While this update of the superhero kids’
show manages to represent all races and special
interests, its inconstant tone keeps it from telling
an engaging story. The lack of mega-sized
monsters is also concerning.
Incidentally, the best way to keep colossal
combatants off your building is to install massive
bird spikes.
The Lego Batman Movie
The upside to Lego Batman is when he runs out
of batarangs he can become a choking hazard.
Fortunately, the Caped Crusader in this animated-comedy
is well equipped.
Batman’s (Will Arnett) plan to banish The
Joker (Zach Galifianakis) to the Phantom Zone
backfires when he escapes—along with an array
of other villains—and wreaks havoc on Wayne
Manor.
To stop him, the notorious loner must rely
on his new ward (Michael Cera) and his butler
(Ralph Fiennes) for assistance.
Meanwhile, the new police commissioner
(Rosario Dawson) moves forward with plans to
banish Batman.
A direct descendant of The Lego Movie, this
silly spin-off featuring the Batman character
brings levity to the Bat-franchise—especially
self-awareness—but not all of the jokes are
winners. In fact, this movie’s frenzied pace does
the comedy a disservice.
Incidentally, the Lego Batmobile retails for
about the same price as the real one.
Life
The best part of finding new forms of life is
getting to name them after overrated ‘70s rock
bands.
However, the scientists in this sci-fi movie
won’t have time to name their deadly discovery
The Eagles.
While en route back home, crewmembers
aboard an international space station (Jake
Gyllenhaal, Rebecca Ferguson, Ryan Reynolds)
uncover a latent organism in some Martian
topsoil.
THE VIDIOT
rewind to the future
by Shane Sellar
When the entity is roused, everyone is
ecstatic. When it begins to feed off them for
sustenance, they become panicked. Meanwhile,
the ship has lost all communications and has
started displacing fuel, threatening their safe
reentry to Earth.
With its painfully mundane title, its derivative
space alien script, and the astronauts’
scant character development, Life comes off
as a pointless and unexciting voyage that is
reminiscent of similar interstellar tales that are
far superior.
Incidentally, you do have to declare all alien
life you purchased on your customs form.
T2 Trainspotting
You can always tell someone is an ex-junkie by
the way they always chew on a hypodermic.
Not as easy as quitting smoking, the former
users in this comedy did quit heroin… for a
while.
Returning to Edinburgh 20 years after fleeing
with cash he and his mates scored in a heroin
deal, Renton (Ewan McGregor) reconnects with
the one least likely to kill him (Ewen Bremner)
first.
Violent encounters with Sick Boy (Jonny Lee
Miller) and Begbie (Robert Carlyle) come afterwards.
Following the reunion, the foursome
work on a plan to secure a business loan for a
brothel. But some seek to settle old debits.
This sequel to the 1996 cult classic finds the
same cast and director, Danny Boyle, returning
for a second hit. Unfortunately, that entails
removing everything pleasurable about the
first and injecting the characters with boring
21-century cynicism.
Ironically, with today’s safe injection sites,
heroin use is practically encouraged.
Wilson
The reason they don’t launch average folks into
space is because they’d just complain the whole
time.
In fact, the squeaky wheel in this comedy
wouldn’t even make it past the interview.
Wilson (Woody Harrelson) is a misanthropic,
middle-aged curmudgeon with a lack of social
grace who spends the bulk of his day antagonizing
passersby about their life choices.
When he learns he has a daughter he has
never met, Wilson decides to track her (Isabella
Amara) and her mother (Laura Dern) down for
an impromptu reunion.
But things go awry when Wilson is imprisoned
for kidnapping his offspring.
Based on the graphic novel by underground
artist Daniel Clowes, Wilson’s sardonic script
was also adapted by its creator, with good and
bad results. While Harrelson embodies the
titular grump, Clowes’ acerbic script insults
viewers’ intelligence while not proving it’s any
shrewder.
Moreover, people who confront strangers can
probably recommend the best pepper-spray.
He’s a Man of Codependent Means. He’s the…
Vidiot
12 | JULY 2017 • BEATROUTE FILM