The Good Life – September-October 2017

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FATHERS // MR. FULL-TIME DAD TERRIBLE TWO'S? BRING IT ON! WRITTEN BY: BEN HANSON • PHOTOGRAPHY BY: URBAN TOAD MEDIA It’s 8:15 p.m. on Sunday night. I’ve just resettled my son, Macklin, for the second time after arriving home from a weekend at the lake. He’s fighting sleep not just because he hates Mondays as much as the rest of us, but because he’s riding a weekend-long sugar high and can’t help but continue jumping on the bed. In the dark. While singing. Why the rush? Well, he just turned 2, so we took the opportunity to throw a three-day party that featured an endless buffet of his favorite foods, people and high-impact aerobics. While a normal person would be exhausted to the point of collapse after such a binge, our newly-minted 2-year-old appears unfazed as if his internal engine runs on birthday cake and parental yawns. bodily functions. His favorite word is “toot,” and he’s yet to find an audience that makes him self-conscious. Consider this your warning. POTTY TRAINING I’m sure the worst is yet to come with learning how to be independent in the bathroom, but so far the only drama has been over what form of chocolate will be provided as incentive. (Hint: stock up on M&Ms, as they melt in your mouth, not in your hand.) There’s been some dispute about books versus YouTube videos while sitting on the throne, but we quickly gave up that fight. We’ve agreed to let him watch whatever he wants, and he’s agreed to focus on aiming. Welcome to the terrible twos, I hear in my head. “Bring it on!” I say back. My inner dialogue is astonishingly basic. I’ve been told to beware of the terrible twos by every parenting blog, book and bogus expert out there, and while I typically exude a healthy sense of pessimism, I’m not at all convinced trying times are ahead. Mack has proven himself awesome at every opportunity. Messy, sure. But awesome. I have to believe most 2-year-olds are similarly awesome, so allow me to break a few stereotypes and talk some fellow parents off the ledge. LEARNING TO TALK I don’t know how the average kid learns to talk, but Macklin has chosen to tackle the task in the third-person. It’s thrilling. We get a play-by-play of everything that’s happening both to him and within him. For example, when he wants to read a book, he doesn’t just carry a book over to the couch and sit down. He narrates it for all to hear. “Mack-in… lay down… right here… this one.” With a 2-year-old, it’s rare to have to guess what’s going on. They have no filter, so everything is announced and celebrated. There’s no qualifying or calculating—if he’s got a word remotely relatable to the situation, it’s coming out of his mouth. While mostly amusing, this does present one notable challenge… you can’t get away with anything. Because you carry it everywhere you go, it’s second nature to use your body as show-and-tell to teach language. Thus, Macklin’s vocabulary is heavily skewed towards body parts and 28 / THE GOOD LIFE / urbantoadmedia.com
at home, flinging himself to the ground in a soupy pile of tears, but it never lasts more than a minute or two. But what about when you’re out in public? Simple… just stay home. I mean that both seriously and slightly sarcastically. The main rule of parenting as far as I’m concerned is to simply pay attention. That’s it. Pay attention to your kid. If you do even a mediocre job of this, you will be able to sense when your kid has had enough and would do well to stay in. Errands can always wait. The sale on laundry detergent is not worth public humiliation. ALL EYES ON HIM As an admitted introvert, having a talking 2-year old to bring with me everywhere I go is a serious blessing when timed right (see above). All I have to do is introduce him and away he goes, diverting all attention away from me. It’s magical… especially around family. The day Mack learns to talk on the phone might literally be the last time I have a conversation with anyone outside my immediate family. Though it’s still early in the game, the terrible twos have started off quite smoothly. I’m choosing to focus on the perks, the hilarity and the less-obvious upsides. Compared to midnight feedings and teething, toddlerhood is actually proving to be more tolerable than previous epochs. He’s old enough to get cake for his birthday, but so far unaware of what happens to the leftovers after he (eventually) falls asleep. I’ll embrace this stage as long as I can. • My main advice with potty training is to win the game of not caring. If you can prove to your toddler that you care less about the bathroom than he does, you immediately remove all the stress from the situation. I’ll ask Mack if he wants to go potty throughout the day, and if he says yes, we go. If he says no (or ignores me altogether), we don’t. Trust me, diapers are 10 times more convenient than undressing a balance-challenged 2-year-old, so it’s in your best interest not to rush things. MELTDOWNS Again, maybe we’re just lucky to have the greatest kid in the world, but we’ve largely avoided the meltdown stage thus far. Yes, he does throw a fit from time to time urbantoadmedia.com / THE GOOD LIFE / 29
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The Good Life – September-October 2017

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