Singletrack

JASON MILEs
PHOTOGRAPHY ED ROLLASON
YOUR SELF-HANDICAP, EXPOSED.
Jason Miles is partial to the odd niche or two: fat bikes and singlespeeds
being among them. He’s tolerant of everyone else’s too, provided they
don’t keep going on about them.
The world of mountain bikes provides us with a sometimes bewildering array of Tools For The Job. It doesn’t
matter what sort of riding we’re into – cross-country racing, big days out in the hills, riding downhill then
sitting in a van to get back to the top – with a bit of thought and some research you can find the perfect bike
for your needs.
Many of the people reading this, like me, have more
than one bike. Not so much one for every day of
the week, but probably a different bike for a given
application. You ride your road bike on the road, your
cyclocross bike in a ’cross race (or more likely, to work)
and your fat bike for… well I’m not sure what.
But who says you need to use the right tool for the
job all of the time? This isn’t brain surgery. I’m pretty
sure you need to use the right tool for the job in brain
surgery. And rocket science. Don’t start messing about
trying to smack rockets with a hammer or a shoe when
you should be using a precision instrument.
Riding bikes though – it can be a lot of fun
turning up to a gunfight with a toothpick, or even a
toothpick fight with a gun. I managed a 24-hour solo
once on a singlespeed fat bike, didn’t finish last, GOT
PAID because I kind of did it for a bet and probably
had more fun than everyone else put together. (It
was that Mountain Mayhem too – those who know,
know).
We’ve all seen people turning up to super-hilly
marathon events on singlespeeds. In fact, in the
past, I myself have turned up to hilly rides on a
singlespeed. Mostly it’s classic self-handicapping, but
to be perfectly honest when you choose to turn up on
a bike with no gears, do better than you thought you
were going to do, and then start moaning that you’ve
not got a special category in which to finish 7th, then
I sort of switch off. But the fact that, in our so-called
‘sport’, you can ride whatever you want, even a bike
that’s going to be in the wrong gear all of the time
and probably ruin your lower back, is ace, isn’t it? Go
on, try to get a game of snooker armed with a tennis
racquet. Never going to happen.
One thing’s for certain, though. In the same
way that ex-smokers always tell you that they used to
smoke, even if you were blind you’d still know that the
rider on the suboptimal bike was on a suboptimal bike
because they’d tell you. Maybe more than once, just to
make sure you understand.
Did I ever tell you I used to smoke? Twenty a day,
more at weekends.
It doesn’t matter that there isn’t a rigid-forked,
belt-drive 36er bamboo frame category though,
because you can just invent one later on Facebook.
It’s a win-win. If you’re rubbish on the day, blame
the bike. ‘I’ve only got one gear’, ‘My tyres have the
optimum pressure in them FOR SNOW’, or the
classic ‘Yeah this cargo bike is so versatile I can do my
shopping on the way home from this cyclocross race
I’m currently getting my arse kicked in’. Everyone will
clap and say you’re awesome.
If you’re really good though, you can properly
turn things on their head. ‘I beat loads of riders
with gears’, ‘The tyres were a right handful in the
singletrack, but I just used momentum/radness/
The Force’, or the classic ‘Yeah, this cargo bike is so
versatile I can win a massive trophy and ride home
with it as well as the rotting corpses of the slain’.
Everyone will clap and say you’re awesome.
See? It’s impossible to lose.
Turn up to a downhill race WITH a downhill
bike or a cross-country race on a carbon-framed 29er
with semi-slick tyres though, that’s asking for a world
of bother. A bit like playing five-a-side with your
fat mates while wearing white boots – YOU HAD
BETTER BE GOOD.
Unless you win, NOBODY will clap or think
you’re awesome so you’d better think of a self-handicap
Plan B and fast.
How about filling your water bottle with vodka?
Make sure everyone knows though and make sure you
invent that ‘inebriated’ category later on. Or what
about fully laden panniers in an enduro?
Use your imagination and grab the glory.
Anyone can be a winner.
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