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A ticket to Birmingham<br />
Scene:<br />
Characters:<br />
102 SKETCHES<br />
A Railway Station in Britain<br />
A traveler, a British Rail<br />
employee<br />
The BR employee is sitting at a table, reading<br />
a newspaper. The traveler comes in.<br />
Traveler: Excuse me.<br />
BR employee: Can I help you?<br />
Traveler: Yes, I want a ticket.<br />
BR employee: A ticket?<br />
Traveler: Yes. I want a ticket to<br />
Birmingham.<br />
BR employee: A ticket to Birmingham?<br />
Traveler: Yes.<br />
BR employee: Why?<br />
Traveler: Why what?<br />
BR employee: Why do you want a ticket to<br />
Birmingham?<br />
Traveler: Well...<br />
BR employee: Birmingham's a terrible<br />
place! It's awful! If I were<br />
you, I wouldn't go to<br />
Birmingham.<br />
Traveler: I live there.<br />
BR employee: Now, Oxford's a very nice<br />
place.<br />
Traveler: I live there.<br />
BR employee: Why don't you go to<br />
Oxford?<br />
Traveler: I live there!<br />
BR employee: What? In Oxford?<br />
Traveler: No! In Birmingham!<br />
BR employee: Oh.<br />
Traveler: And I want to go to<br />
Birmingham today.<br />
BR employee: Impossible.<br />
Traveler: What?<br />
BR employee: It's impossible. It'll take you<br />
three days.<br />
Traveler: Three days?<br />
BR employee: Oh, yes. It'll take you at<br />
least three days - walking.<br />
Traveler: Walking?! I don't want to<br />
walk to Birmingham!<br />
BR employee: You don't want to walk?<br />
Traveler: No<br />
BR employee: Oh, I understand.<br />
Traveler: Good.<br />
BR employee: You want to run.<br />
Traveler: Run?!<br />
BR employee: You'll get very tired if you<br />
run<br />
Traveler: Listen -<br />
BR employee: If I were you, I'd walk.<br />
Traveler: I don't want to walk, and I<br />
don't want to run. I want to<br />
take the train.<br />
BR employee: The train? Ha! You'll get<br />
there much faster if you<br />
walk.<br />
Traveler: Now, don't be ridiculous. I<br />
want a ticket for the next<br />
train to Birmingham.<br />
BR employee: The next train to<br />
Birmingham?<br />
Traveler: Yes. When is it?<br />
BR employee: Pardon?<br />
Traveler: What time is it?<br />
BR employee: I don't know. I haven't got a<br />
watch.<br />
Traveler: No! I mean: What time is<br />
the train? What time does<br />
the train leave?<br />
BR employee: Oh, I see. Sorry. I'll check.<br />
He picks up the telephone<br />
and dials a number.<br />
BR employee: Take a seat.<br />
Traveler: Thank you.<br />
The traveler sits down.<br />
BR employee: (On the phone) Hello?<br />
Bert?.. Who's that? Oh,<br />
hello, Charlie… Where's<br />
Bert?...Is he? Oh, well, is<br />
Eric there?...<br />
Hello Eric?...Isn't Bert<br />
there?...Oh, dear - very<br />
sad. Is Arthur<br />
there?...Hello?<br />
Arthur?...Who? Oh, hello,<br />
Charlie. Is Bert there?<br />
(The traveler is getting<br />
Traveler:<br />
impatient.)<br />
Look - can you please find<br />
out when the next train to<br />
Birmingham leaves?<br />
BR employee: Yes, all right. (On the<br />
phone) Er...Charlie...Who's<br />
that? Eric?...Oh, Arthur. Can<br />
I speak to Dave?...Yes OK,<br />
I'll hold on.<br />
(The traveler is getting<br />
more impatient.)<br />
Traveler:<br />
BR employee:<br />
Look!<br />
It's all right, I'm holding<br />
on, (On the phone)<br />
Dave?...Hello, Dave. This is<br />
Sid. Very well, thanks - and<br />
you?...Good, Listen, Dave,<br />
there's something I must
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