CRAWFORD APRIL 2018 ONLINE

Use regret wisely
If you feel burdened by any past behaviours, it indicates
at least one positive (but it’s a big one): that you are
willing to reflect critically on yourself, and you have the
potential to evolve into a better version of yourself. And
that’s no small achievement. It also lessens the likelihood
that you will continue to make the same mistake. There
can be no growth without understanding.
What’s the point of regret? It’s a horrible feeling.
And if on top of that it doesn’t have the effect of
changing your future, it is completely useless. Clinical
psychologist Joanna Kleovoulou from PsychMatters
Centre in Johannesburg says, “Many of us who get
stuck in regret or guilt about our
past do not understand that it is
our psyche’s attempt to find a
way (a lopsided, ineffective way)
to control the outcome or to have
wanted a different ending.” She
says that sense of “If only…” or
“I should have…” can be your
clue to understand that “it’s your
unconscious need to have felt
more competent and masterful in a
particular painful event. When you
understand this, you free yourself
up to give yourself more choices
about how to do things differently,
rather than sabotaging yourself by
hovering in the past, with negative
thoughts and feelings.”
“The healing can take place in the ‘repair’ of what you
did or said that was hurtful to your child,” says Joanna.
“It can give your child the opportunity to learn that
relationships are based on mutual respect. The values of
honesty get ingrained; they get to distinguish between
right and wrong and you are setting the template for
appropriate behaviour. You’re teaching them that we’re
all imperfect, and how to take responsibility for our
actions. And that ultimately builds self-esteem.”
Teenagers are already intimately acquainted with the
idea that their parents – the heroes of their childhoods
– have clay feet. You remove much of their ammunition
when you, too, admit you are fallible.
Nobody is saying you should skip
out of the shattered remains of
your marriage humming, “Well,
it’ll all be all right in the end.” No.
You can take the time to grieve
and mourn for what was lost, and
own your part in it (that’s “take
responsibility for it” in psychologist
speak.) But you’re allowed to park
the guilt, eventually.
Model ‘good’ regret
The second crucial point to make
about regret is that you cannot
go back and change the past, no
matter how much you may want to.
But you can admit to the mistakes
you’ve made. Recognising that
you’ve messed up is an important
step – and it’s also good for children
in a family to see because you’re
modelling emotional maturity. The
most important thing a parent can
do, says Joanna, is to be mindful
and conscious about your parenting.
Every child a masterpiece | 15