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THE VIDIOT<br />
rewind to the future<br />
BY SHANE SELLAR<br />
Dumplin’<br />
The Happytime Murders<br />
A Simple Favor<br />
The hardest part of being a mother is updating<br />
everyone on how hard it is being a mother.<br />
Luckily, the child bearer in this thriller has a<br />
blog to keep the world abreast.<br />
Single mom Stephanie (Anna Kendrick)<br />
becomes enamored with Emily (Blake Lively),<br />
her author husband (Henry Golding) and their<br />
lifestyle after their sons share a date. So when<br />
Emily asks Stephanie to pick her son up after<br />
school, the mommy blogger is more than happy<br />
to comply. But when Emily never comes to<br />
collect her child, Stephanie finds herself drawn<br />
into a world of sex, lies and secrets.<br />
While the overall mystery has a twinge of<br />
intrigue at first, the final reveal reeks of movieof-the-week<br />
cliché. Moreover, director Paul Feig<br />
adds so many comedic elements and misplaced<br />
jokes that it’s hard to take anything serious.<br />
Incidentally, once your mommy blog starts<br />
making money you can hire a nanny.<br />
Dumplin’<br />
If you want to critic the way a woman’s body<br />
looks become a beauty pageant judge. Unfortunately,<br />
the contestant in this comedy is<br />
adjudicated both on and off stage.<br />
Raised by her Dolly Parton obsessed grandmother,<br />
plus-sized teenager Dumplin’ (Danielle<br />
Macdonald) is a big disappointment to her<br />
beauty queen mom, Rosie (Jennifer Aniston).<br />
So when her grandma dies, Dumplin’ shows<br />
her resentment towards Rosie by entering the<br />
teen beauty pageant that she is judging. But in<br />
order to get her body-positive message across,<br />
Dumplin’ needs some stage advise from her<br />
grandma’s friend, a Dolly Parton impersonator<br />
(Harold Perrineau).<br />
Netflix’s adaptation of the 2015 bestseller<br />
touches on some important social stigmas and<br />
features a toe-tapping Dolly laden soundtrack,<br />
however, the ham-fisted directing, low-production<br />
values and childish antics of the script<br />
diminish the message of inclusivity.<br />
Incidentally, now that there’s diversity in<br />
beauty pageants we can finally see some hot<br />
80-year-olds.<br />
Phil, a dishonoured puppet cop turned PI, must<br />
re-team with his human ex-partner Connie<br />
(Melissa McCarthy) to find the killer. But as the<br />
felt bodies pile up the FBI (Joel McHale) start<br />
sniffing around and Phil finds himself the prime<br />
suspect. Now Connie and Phil’s sectary (Maya<br />
Rudolph) must prove his innocence.<br />
While the concept of an R-rated Muppet<br />
Show from Jim Henson’s son sounds provocative,<br />
the end result is anything but. Plagued by<br />
gross-out jokes concerning the bodily fluids of<br />
marionettes, director Brian Henson tarnishes his<br />
family’s name for the sake of this vile venture.<br />
Incidentally, the lifeless corpse of a murdered<br />
puppet makes one helluva dust rag.<br />
The Nun<br />
The easiest way to tell a nun is haunting you is<br />
by slow dancing with no room left for the Holy<br />
Spirit. Mind you, the pious pair in this horror<br />
movie is doing more running than grinding.<br />
When the Vatican gets word of the deaths of<br />
two Romanian nuns, it dispatches Father Burke<br />
(Demián Bichir) and Sister Irene (Taissa Farmiga)<br />
to investigate. At the abbey, the Father and Sister<br />
each experience a demonic episode that’s later<br />
explained through the convents occult history -<br />
and its relationship with a possessive spirit.<br />
An offshoot of the Second Conjuring, this<br />
fifth installment in the paranormal investigative<br />
franchise has a spooky setting, capable actors<br />
and an opportunity to tell a great origin, but<br />
aside from a few jump-scares the sluggish narrative<br />
contributes very little to the overall universe.<br />
Moreover, churches are so desperate nowadays<br />
I’m sure they’d welcome a few demons to<br />
the congregation.<br />
pure cult movie material.<br />
And now that the drug dealers are off the<br />
streets, it’s finally safe to open recreational<br />
cannabis stores.<br />
The Predator<br />
In order to successfully hunt humans you<br />
must first cover yourself in their urine. Or, you<br />
can do like the tracker in this sci-fi thriller and<br />
bring some hunting dogs.<br />
Quinn (Boyd Holbrook) disarms an alien<br />
and mails its armour to his son (Jacob<br />
Tremblay) stateside. But when the captured<br />
creature escapes confinement, it comes<br />
looking for its property. With help from a<br />
biologist (Olivia Munn) and some dysfunctional<br />
marines (Keegan-Michael Key, Thomas<br />
Jane), Quinn tries to keep his kid away from<br />
the alien and a duplicitous bureaucrat (Sterling<br />
K. Brown).<br />
Serving as a direct sequel to the first two<br />
films in the franchise, this jokey instalment<br />
doesn’t surpass either predecessor. While the<br />
action is intense and the subject matter timely,<br />
there’s very little plot and character development<br />
to substantiate this follow-up.<br />
Moreover, the only human who can really<br />
stop a predator from harming a child is<br />
Chris Hansen.<br />
Venom<br />
The best thing about sharing a body with<br />
another entity is sticking them with all of the<br />
wiping. However, the visitor in this sci-fi thriller<br />
is more likely to just remove your genitals.<br />
Disgraced journalist Eddie Brock (Tom<br />
Hardy) bonds with an alien that grants him<br />
amazing powers and an appetite for brains. But<br />
when the scientist (Riz Ahmed) who brought<br />
the extraterrestrial here from a passing comet<br />
comes to claim it, Eddie and his parasite must<br />
get help from Eddie’s ex-fiancée (Michelle<br />
Williams) before the Earth is enslaved.<br />
While this origin story behind Spider-Man’s<br />
most popular villain is less convoluted than<br />
previous attempts, Marvels beloved antihero<br />
feels rudderless without the web-slinger<br />
around to torment. So, instead, audiences are<br />
left to endure the torment of the cheesy SFX,<br />
cringe-worthy dialogue and hammy performances<br />
all alone.<br />
Incidentally, any aliens living inside of humans<br />
will soon be exterminated by Type 2 diabetes.<br />
The Nun<br />
Peppermint<br />
The best way to get drug dealers out of your<br />
neighbourhood is to open a methadone clinic.<br />
Mind you, the mom in this action movie is<br />
more interested in dismantling the cartel.<br />
When her husband gets mixed up with a<br />
kingpin, mild-mannered mom Riley (Jennifer<br />
Garner) loses both him and their daughter in<br />
a drive-by shooting. Frustrated over the lack<br />
of police involvement in the case, Riley takes<br />
The Happytime Murders<br />
matters in to her own hands. After months<br />
The simplest way to murder a puppet is to of combat training and target practice, she<br />
sever the hand shoved up its ass. However, the returns to the streets looking for payback.<br />
murderer in this comedy has more elaborate While Garner does a serviceable job of working<br />
eliminations in mind.<br />
with the hackneyed material, this derivative<br />
When googly eyed cast members of The tale of retribution is par for the course, save for<br />
Venom<br />
Happytime Gang sitcom start dropping dead, the female lead. However, the melodramatic<br />
He’s a No Talent Scout.<br />
nature and improbability of the whole affair is<br />
He’s the… Vidiot<br />
FILM <strong>BEATROUTE</strong> • <strong>JANUARY</strong> <strong>2019</strong> | 13
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