Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 410 March 20, 2019

stories
/ GET OUT! MAGAZINE >> GETOUTMAG.COM
BY IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
@ianmichaelinwonderland
PART TWO
Oh, Billy Brown
(Don’t Let the Waves Let You Drown)
After spilling wine on Billy, I figured our time
was up. But he persisted.
Chatting over a glass of wine at Rebar, he
looked at me in a way I hadn’t been in a
very long time. I’m not sure my most recent
ex, AJ, ever looked at me that way, eyes
sparkling and soft and happy. It made me
feel guilty.
“You know, I’m not in a good place
right now,” I said, and that was true. My
relationship with AJ left me bitter, and
while I longed for the things Billy wanted
to give me—the relationship I craved with
AJ—I knew I wasn’t ready to be dating
again. “Anyone I see right now, well, it’s
just bound to go bad. I was with AJ for two
years: I can’t shake that in two weeks. I’d
just end up hurting you.”
The look in Billy’s eyes changed. “I really
like you. And whenever I like a guy who’s
cute and sarcastic and perfect for me, the
same thing always happens. He claims he
loves me as a friend, and doesn’t want to
ruin it. Then he dates someone young and
attractive, while frumpy me stays home,
writing sad songs.”
I felt for Billy—I’d been Billy. I don’t know
how many times someone told me they
liked me, but they just weren’t ready for
a relationship—only to be dating some
generic hot dude the next day.
“It’s not that,” I said. “There’s nobody
else in the picture. I’m just not ready.”
“But you might be? Some day?”
I should have told him no, but I
remembered the way he looked at me,
the way I’d wanted AJ and so many boys
before him to look at me.
“I don’t know,” I said, and it was the
truth.
“I want to see you again.”
The next week, we agreed to watch
“RuPaul’s Drag Race” at my place. “Oh!” I
told him when he arrived, “my roommate
James is watching with us.”
Of course, once he saw James—young
and attractive—his mood changed, as if he
could sense that James and I used to have
sex. The three of us watched the episode
in silence, even during the commercial
breaks. (We didn’t even joke about that
pornographic Boy Butter ad.) When the
episode was over, he promptly grabbed his
jacket, and I walked him to my door.
“How long are you going to string me along
like this?” he asked.
“I told you I wasn’t ready for anything,” I
said quietly. “You’re the one who wanted
to get together again. Maybe we just need
space right now.”
“You’re just like everyone else!” He
slammed my door, sent me a nasty text
about how awful I was, and blocked me on
all forms of social media.
Months later, wanting to make up, he
unblocked me—to see I was dating young,
attractive James. He was right—I did what
everyone else had done.
Billy got over it, after a while, and now
we’re friends—and I still spill red wine on
him, every now and then. For old time’s
sake.
PHOTO: STEVE BRENNAN
WEARING: DOLCE & GABBANA TOP