Get Out! GAY Magazine – Issue 410 March 20, 2019

Berlin
Pride 2019
Summer Intensive German Program
B1 - C1 Intermediate / Advanced
Sunday July 21, 2019 - Friday July 26, 2019
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BY EILEEN SHAPIRO
CELEBRITY CORRESPONDENT
Nile
RODGERS
Stars at The Capitol Theatre April 25 Featuring CHIC
Songwriter, composer, arranger, record
producer, guitarist, musician and one of
the most visionary musical pioneers and
superstars on the planet, Nile Rodgers will be
gigging at The Capitol Theatre in Port Chester,
New York, along with his famous band, CHIC,
on April 25.
Aside from the fact that Rodgers has helped
and influenced artists everywhere, he’s also
written, produced and sold 75 million singles
and 500 million albums globally. He is a Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame inductee, a three-time
Grammy Award winner and currently is the
chairman of the Songwriters Hall of Fame. He
is also Chief Creative Advisor for the famous
Abbey Road Studio.
Rodgers has worked with and touched
the lives of artists including David Bowie,
Madonna, Duran Duran, Lady Gaga, The
Sugarhill Gang, Mick Jagger, INXS, George
Michael, Diana Ross, Grace Jones, B52s,
Bryan Ferry, Christina Aguilera, Daft Punk,
Pharrell Williams and countless others. He
wrote and produced songs that changed the
world like “We Are Family” for Sister Sledge,
“I’m Coming Out” for Diana Ross and David
Bowie’s “Let’s Dance,” which became one of
his biggest-selling tracks.
Rodgers’ brilliance and massive career feels
nothing short of miraculous and mindblowing
when one attempts to grasp the
diversity of his talent. Growing up in the midst
of addiction around him, and struggling to
overcome his own, he was always musical.
He began to perform at age 17 and hasn’t
stopped since.
No doubt the father of contemporary musical
production and arranging, Rodgers debuted
with CHIC on American Bandstand in 1978.
Now this living musical treasure will offer a
titanic, spectacular show at The Capitol Theatre.
I was completely honored that I could talk
with him in the middle of his tour with Cher
about the upcoming show with CHIC, his
future career intentions and his musical life
experiences.

INTERVIEW
I’m very excited about
your gig at The Capitol
Theatre with CHIC, right
in the middle of your
tour with Cher. What
inspired you to come
to Port Chester in the
middle of everything
else?
Well, the thing is, I don’t
often get a chance to
gig near my home and
recording studio. I live
in New York City, but I
also live in Westport,
Connecticut. The Capitol
Theatre is a perfect spot.
It’s like the midway point
for us. In the old days
when I used to drink
after club closing hours
in Connecticut, we’d all
come to New York and into
Westchester to party. We
still had another couple
of hours to go! I’ve seen
a lot of great shows at the
Capitol Theatre. A lot of my
friends have played there.
So, it was just the perfect
spot.
Cher isn’t playing in
the Westport area of
Connecticut. She’s not
playing anywhere near
there, actually, so my
friends all wondered,
“Where can we come
and see your show?” The
Capitol Theatre was perfect!
It’s a cool venue.
Believe me, I went there
a gazillion times when I
was younger. I think CHIC
actually played there,
but at this point in life,
after playing in so many
places, you start to lose
sight of the ones you’ve
just visited to hear other
bands versus the ones that
you’ve actually played in.
That’s not egotistical. But
I’ve been gigging since 17,
and I’m 66 years old now.
So, I’ve been gigging all
my life.
What’s for sure is, I’ve
been to the Capitol Theatre
dozens of times—either as
a playing musician or to
see others play. It’s always
been a great venue. It’s
sort of, you’re not quite in
New York City, but you’re
not quite up in Stamford.
So you’re at that midway
point where friends from
Connecticut can see you
and your friends in upstate
New York can come see
you, too.
You’ve been performing
since you were 17. Have
you had your ultimate
stage fantasy, and if
not, what would have
to happen to make that
come true?
I would have to say that
my ultimate stage fantasy
is almost impossible,
because typically I’d want
to play with someone you
cannot play with. Someone
deceased. When I became
a professional musician,
either I wasn’t in their
league yet or they were
older and had passed away.
I would love to have played
with Cab Calloway. Back in
the day, I’d have loved to
be part of something like
that. As a matter of fact, we
were so romantic about
that era that CHIC is based
on the whole jazz age.
When we did the album
with “Good Times” on it, we
did a song called “My Feet
Keep Dancing.” We actually
have the Nicholas Brothers
tap dancing on the record.
How cool is that?
It is cool. It’s great. That is
the era that I wish that I
could’ve played in. It just
seems like so much fun,
so crazy, so wonderful.
But, I mean, how could I
not believe that I’ve had
great stage moments? I’ve
played with everybody
from Prince to Parliament,
James Brown, Aretha
Franklin, David Bowie, the
B-52s, Steve Winwood, Eric
Clapton—I’ve played with
so many great people. Any
one of those artists could
have fulfilled the fantasy.
One night we played with
Elton John. I always make
a joke every time I see him.
I say, “If I hadn’t stopped,
we’d still be playing.” That
was three years ago. He
didn’t want to get off the
stage, he wouldn’t stop
playing. I said, “Come on,
we’re done.”
I recently saw George
Clinton, and he pretty
much did the same.
Tell me about it! I’ve played
with him. Many times.

How do you choose
your projects? I mean,
you’re probably the most
famous musician on the
planet, so what inspires
your decisions when
selecting a project?
Typically I meet somebody.
We just like each other,
and somehow that
meeting turns into a
record. I’ll give you a great
example. Two days ago I
met Noel Gallagher for the
first time. I was an Oasis
fan, but I’d never had a
chance to meet him. So I’m
in the studio, and Noel was
right next to me. I’m the
chief creative now at Abbey
Road. So I was at Abbey
Road recording, and Noel
and I started talking.
He said, “Hey Nile, check
this out... here’s my tribute
to CHIC.” He played this
song with a CHIC kind
of groove. I thought,
“Wow, who would ever
have thought that Noel
Gallagher would write a
song with a CHIC kind of
groove.” Then I asked him
to call me, and I suggested
that we play. Then I
suggested we call Johnny
Marr. So I called Johnny
Marr, and we picked a date
that we could do this, and
it happened just like that.
Last night, Vin Diesel came
into the studio. We never
realized we were brought
up one block away from
each other and went to the
exact same elementary
school. I couldn’t believe it.
He came into Abbey Road
to sing. Then he gave me
his whole background,
and we knew all the same
people. Just because I’m
a little bit older, we didn’t
hang out. When you’re
15, you don’t hang out
with a seven, eight or nine
year old, just because of
the age difference at that
time. Vin’s the same age
as Madonna. If we were
in the same elementary
school, I would’ve been
in the sixth grade, and
he would’ve been in the
first grade. A sixth grader
doesn’t hang out with a
first grader. But we’re past
all that now!
You’ve written a bunch of
soundtracks: “Coming to
America,” “Beverly Hills
Cop” and so on. Have
you ever been asked to
portray a character in a
film? Somehow, I see a
cool serial killer hiding
behind that super smile.
I was in one movie for
VH1 where I played a
record company executive,
but I’m not really the
acting type. However, I
am writing a big musical,
which is based on my life
story. I’m having my third
meeting with Andrew
Lloyd Webber when I come
back to the UK.
How fun is that?
We’re having a really
great time together. He
gets it. It’s phenomenal.
I wouldn’t have believed
that it would come
together like this in a
million years.
If you can have me ask
you any question in the
world, what would you
want me to ask you? Just
remember you have to
answer it, too!
Do you wish that the day
was 48 hours long? The
answer would be yes. I’d
like to do even more work
than I do now, which is
already an extraordinary
amount.
You’ve done nearly
everything. You’re a
songwriter, singer,
producer, arranger,
you’ve won Grammys,
you’ve played with or
produced or written for
everyone on the planet.
So is there anything left
that you haven’t done
that you’d still wish to
do?
Write a Broadway show,
which I’m doing right now.
It still hasn’t come out yet,
so I still have to finish it.
How do you feel about
people who imitate your
sound and style?
I’m completely flattered,
because when I started
playing, I was imitating
other people until I
developed something that
felt like me. I grew up as
a classical jazz musician,
and when I started to play
pop music, I couldn’t be
satisfied with just the way
that regular guitar players
play.

That was not inspiring to
me. So I developed this
sound where I wrote music
that is dependent upon
my knowledge of harmony
and inversions and voice
leading and stuff like that.
I don’t play guitar like the
typical guitar player. I play
more like a jazz guitar
player, but I’m still doing
pop music.
It works exceedingly
well for you.
It seems to work. I mean,
it’s working pretty good.
I cannot wait to come
see you at The Capitol
Theatre for sure.
You’re going to have so
much fun. The Cher tour
for us has been one of
the most exhilarating
periods of my life. It’s
great that we get to go off
sometimes and do our
own shows. With Cher,
we’re an opening act, so
we only play about an
hour. But when we do our
own show, it’s a full, big,
gigantic production. It’s a
lot of songs. You will say
to yourself, “Jesus Christ, I
can’t believe this guy did
all of these songs.” So it’s
entertaining and didactic
at the same time, because
you realize how many
songs this guy has done.
Of course, we don’t even
do all of them. We just do
the big hits, as we call it:
“All Killer and No Filler.”
If you could go back
in time when you first
started to record, the
technology wasn’t
as advanced as it is
today. Is there anything
you would’ve done
differently?
Well, obviously, if we had
today’s technology, we
may have approached
things differently, but
that’s a tricky question.
The audience... and I
don’t mean to sound
like an age chauvinist,
but I could just prove
it scientifically by what
people consumed back
then. The audience then
was more sophisticated
when it came to listening
to compositions, because
of what the songs were
like. In the old days,
songs were much
more complicated and
sophisticated.
Now songs are pretty
much based on loops and
things like that. They’re
very primal and simple.
We think more in terms
of the lyrical content in
today’s world than about
all of the orchestral
musical elements that it
takes to make a record. You
had to go to a professional
recording studio to make
the record when I was a
kid. You couldn’t make a
record on your laptop at
home. There was no such
thing as a laptop. I bought
one of the first musical
computers, and it cost an
absolute fortune, a quarter
of a million dollars. You
had to be rich already to
do that. We were buying
it to aid the process of
recording things that
were still very antiquated
compared to the processes
we use now.
Computers in those days
were really expensive. We
were just using mine to
help us explore different
sounds and different
things we could import
into our environment
without having to hire
someone every single
time we had an idea. In
those days, without your
own computer, you’d
have to hire someone else
to see if your idea was a
good one.
The music industry
has changed so much.
Most artists today stay
relevant for about 40
seconds. How do you
manage to stay relevant
all these years? What’s
your secret?
I’m not a music snob. I
like music, and I like the
challenges, so I’m always
working with people that
are either up and coming
or people that will never
be known, but are just
talented. I’ve learned a
lot from new artists. The
average age of artists that
I work with is probably
about 26. So that means
that I work with a lot of
artists in their teens or 20
years old. Obviously I still
work with artists in their
40s and 50s, but that’s
rare.

A great friend who passed away—
Avicii—the first night I met him, we
decided we were going to work
together. So I work with a lot of
young DJs. I have maybe 20 records
coming out this year that are all done
by people whose average age is
around 25.
Is there anything else you’d like to
talk about that I haven’t covered?
I just want people to come out to
the show and have a good time. Our
live show is so much fun. If you’re
hearing CHIC for the first time, you
will know every single song that we
play. When I say that, I say it with
total humility. I’m so grateful that
I’ve had so many hit records, even
though people don’t realize it. I have
a really blessed life, and now I’m the
chairman of the Songwriters Hall of
Fame.
Congratulations on that. That’s a
really big deal.
Yeah, it’s a really big deal! I take
it very seriously, and I’m really
proud.
I sometimes feel like you are the
most guarded secret in the world.
There is no one that doesn’t know
your name on earth; however,
there are many that don’t know all
of your accomplishments.
That’s not true.
I feel like people don’t exactly give
you credit for everything you’ve
done. I’m glad you’re writing your
life story; let me put it that way. In
any case, I’m looking forward to
the show!
Thank you. Come up and dance
with us on stage when we do “Good
Times,” because that’s our favorite
part of the show.

BY EILEEN SHAPIRO
CELEBRITY CORRESPONDENT
JESSE
CARMICHAEL
2MM
PRESENTS
‘THRIVE’
Sincere congratulations to Jesse
Carmichael, keyboardist/rhythm
guitarist for for one of music’s
longest-surviving and most popular
bands on the planet, Maroon 5, on
his haunting and powerful twominute
film, “Thrive.”
In the most compelling and
intriguing fashion, the film focuses
on bringing awareness to the
struggle for equality, the obstacles
of intolerance and the bullying
and violence suffered by the
LGBTQIA community. In only two
short minutes, the film voices and
conveys in the most titanic fashion
a heartfelt myriad of emotion,
empathy and understanding of the
plight of the gay community.
Carmichael is the founder of 2mm
(@2minutemovies on Instagram),
a short film collaborate collective.
“Thrive” was directed by brothers
Shivin and Sunny and was produced
by Nupur Mehrotra. Carmichael put
the film to music and became the
executive producer. The film starred
Kai Wes, Jewel Sales, Sage Nicole
Chavis, Madisyn Maniff, Alex Ryan
and Jacob Chabon.
I had the extreme pleasure of
speaking with Carmichael in the
midst of Maroon 5’s tour of Asia. A
very spiritual and enchanting soul
(an obvious reflection on the film),
he revealed the inspiration and the
essence behind this riveting and
vibrant film.
He described Bangkok as an
awesome and vibrant city, and
then suggested I visit it along
with Singapore and Japan. After I
told him I lived on Long Island, he
confessed that he and “the singer”
of Maroon 5 had gone to Five
Towns College to study music for a
semester.

INTERVIEW
I have to ask you the
obvious question: What
inspired the film, which,
by the way, is almost
haunting?
I’m glad to hear you
say that. I like to hear
things like haunting and
mysterious, because I’ve
been thinking for a long
time now about the whole
idea of how to share with
people something that’s
in the creative realm
that doesn’t feel like it’s
preachy, especially when
there is a definite agenda
behind it, which is trying
to open people’s mind
as to the importance of
acceptance for other
lifestyles and other
cultures and other races—
all of the things that are
happening today in terms
of intolerance rearing its
head. I like the idea that
those kinds of things can
be addressed in a medium
like film in a way that isn’t
a direct, preaching thing.
It’s funny, I guess, because
we are using a sample
from a sermon from Martin
Luther King in the film. I
certainly do appreciate his
preaching.
I thought that was kind
of cool, though.
It was from an obscure
speech, too, that I found
online. I liked his poetic
word choices at the
end in terms of his own
biblical language under
our own fig and vine
tree. It is interesting.
So yeah, I’m glad that
you enjoyed it. It came
about because I recently
started a collaborative
film collective called “2
Minute Movies,” which
was shortened with the
abbreviation 2mm, which
is kind of a reference
to film stock. The only
rule of this collective is
that each piece that we
make has to be under
two minutes. I wanted
to see how it would sort
of evolve naturally, so I
put up a few things with
some friends that I made
online and then through
a social media network
called Mixer. I met the
directors of this film, Shivin
and Sunny, who are two
brothers from India, which
is another interesting
ripple in the story given
what has been going on
culturally in India that I
just sort of caught bits
and pieces of in terms
of gay marriage, rights
and hearing things about
that culture in general, in
terms of how tolerant it
is. I am hoping that things
are moving in a more
and more equanimous
and loving, tolerant and
open direction in that
country. They reached out
to me with an idea about
doing some sort of film
in the realm of trying to
open people’s eyes to
the violence that people
in [the] LGBTQIA+ etc.
[community] experience. I
think we should shorten it
to just the plus. Maybe we
should just shorten it to
nothing, no label. We will
get there.
PHOTO BY MARIA QUINTANA (FROM LEFT TO RIGHT) JEWEL SALES, KAI WES,
CINEMATOGRAPHER ALEX CVETKOV AND WRITERS/DIRECTORS SUNNY AND SHIVIN
PHOTO BY TRAVIS SCHNEIDER
@BOOTSWALLACE

I’m interested that you
focused on a gay theme.
We are actively searching
for places that would be
interested in helping to
put out this film, because
we want to get the word
out as much as possible. I
mean, this is what I’m really
excited to do with my time
right now, outside of my
band, is working on film
stuff, because I love film
so much. I think it is such
a powerful media. People
can have such visceral
experiences with even a
short film like this. You
know, the emotions can
come out quickly. I don’t
know how
many times I
have looked
at a Thai
long-distance
phone
commercial.
The heart
strings are so
easily tugged
upon with a
combination
of images and
music.
I’ve been writing for
Get Out! for nine years
now, a gay themed
publication, and have
come across many
different films on the
subject; however, in
the two minutes that
I watched your film, it
actually said a lot more
in the two minutes than
many of the other, longer
films. Who wrote it?
Sunny and Shivin, the
brothers, came up with
the concepts for the “safe
house” setting with the
flashbacks to the traumatic
experiences that people
meeting up kind of purged
themselves with these
experiences that they had
gone through. When they
shot it, they started to edit
it and sent it to me, and I
wrote the music to it and
put that quote in at the
end.
Well, the music was
awesome, and the entire
film was really affecting.
Where do you even find
the time to do these
films. I mean, don’t you
tour constantly?
Yeah, we are constantly
touring. I’ve got a new
family that I’ve just started
with my fiancé. We have
a seven-month-old baby,
and it’s so fun. So I’m
excited to get home from
this tour more than ever
and to get back into the
family mode.
Aside from this film,
what other films have
you done, and have
they also been created
to raise some kind of
awareness?
I’m happy with a couple of
the 2mm films that we’ve
made in addition to this
one. They are all up on
the YouTube page and the
Instagram page for 2mm. I
did an animated film with
a voiceover actress friend
of mine and an animator
that I found on Instagram,
who I asked to collaborate
with us. I wrote the script
for this metaphoric idea
that I have of the world
being like a big party and
all the rooms are different.
Some rooms have better
food and drink than other
rooms. A lot of our party
rooms are really great, but
we can hear from down
the hallway screams of
some people that are in a
room which is actually on
fire. We don’t really want
to do anything about it,
because our party is so
fun, but maybe someday
that fire is going to spread
down the hallway into our
party room, so maybe
we should do something
about it. I like the way the
voiceover goes in such
a fast tempo. You don’t
really get a chance to
understand what you’re
hearing until it’s over,
and then you realize,
“Wow that’s kind of
interesting.” It kind of
goes along with the fact
that I don’t like the idea
of people being directly
preachy with an idea
of how they think the
world can be a better
place. But if people
have ideas about it,
and they want to try
and kind of subtly put
them into art, that makes
people kind of feel good
when they’re watching
it, or feel something, or
think something that’s
interesting to them. That, I
think, is a really productive
way to start conversations.
Did you ever consider
doing a full-length film?
Yeah, I’m definitely using
the shorts as a way to
get practice in the realm
of shooting, editing and
writing and in directing
and scoring. These are all
aspects of the filmmaking
world that I love, and then
moving towards the idea
of longer pieces and just
practicing the individual
skills.

When it comes time to do
a larger piece, I’ll have a
better time doing it, and it
won’t be as stressful.
Your goal is to have as
many people see it as
possible?
Yes.
Because?
I am just horrified by all
the stories of cruelty and
intolerance in our world.
I just do not understand
why those things exist.
I think of them like a
sickness, an imbalance in
your body, where you get
symptoms of something
being off. When humans
are cruel to each other,
for me, it’s like a symptom
that there is something
out of balance with the
whole society. So I think
that if you are able to
really see the symptom,
and acknowledge that
it’s not good for the
whole, it’s easier to try
and come up with a game
plan to try and change
it. In this case it’s about
dialogue, just starting
the conversation: “Why
is there hatred out there
towards things that people
don’t understand?” I
have theories about what
causes people, when
they have their own pain
and fear, to lash out at
something “other” as a
way to relieve their own
discomfort and inner pain.
I think that the more we
can see how that’s not
a really a healthy and
productive way to deal
with pain and confusion,
the better we will all be,
because I don’t think
people need to be beaten
up for living another
lifestyle.
As a Maroon 5 band
member, is there an
ultimate stage fantasy
that you’d like to have?
Are you saying that
maybe I can have musical
collaborations with other
artists?
Fantasize away.
Let’s say, then, that it
would be a collaboration
with all sorts of different
cultures of music. Damon
Albarn, who is the lead
singer of Gorillaz and Blur
and a couple of other
musical groups, has been
really inspirational in terms
of going around the world
and collaborating with
different cultures. He’s
done some music, and
Molly, he’s done some
opera music in England.
Another hero is Bjork.
She’s constantly been
pushing the technological
and emotional envelope
in music. Thom Yorke and
Jonny Greenwood from
Radiohead, and musicians
from different cultures,
some Indian musicians,
some Celtic musicians
and some choirs from
Tibet, just the whole
cultural hodgepodge of
different things. Yo-Yo Ma
did something kind of
similar with his classical
music ensemble featuring
virtuoso musicians from
multiple countries from
around the world. So
that’s what it’s all about
in my mind, musical
conversations between
cultures.
Where are you and the
band touring next?
Our next tour after this
Asia tour is in Europe in
June. So we will be all
around Europe for about
three weeks, and then
we’re home for most of
this year. So we have a
lot of time to work on a
new album and our side
projects, whether they be
music or film related.

week in pictures >> BY WILSONMODELS / wilsonmodels.blogspot.com
VOICES IN MY HEAD AT THE CLEMENTE
CANDIS CAYNE AT LAURIE BEECHMAN
ALYSSA EDWARDS
AT CAROLINE'S
HATERS ROAST AT TOWN HALL

Cover: Nile Rogers
Photo Credit Jill Furmanovsky
ISSUE 410 - MARCH 20 2019
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IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
THOMAS WHITFIELD
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stories
/ GET OUT! MAGAZINE >> GETOUTMAG.COM
BY IAN-MICHAEL BERGERON
@ianmichaelinwonderland
PART TWO
Oh, Billy Brown
(Don’t Let the Waves Let You Drown)
After spilling wine on Billy, I figured our time
was up. But he persisted.
Chatting over a glass of wine at Rebar, he
looked at me in a way I hadn’t been in a
very long time. I’m not sure my most recent
ex, AJ, ever looked at me that way, eyes
sparkling and soft and happy. It made me
feel guilty.
“You know, I’m not in a good place
right now,” I said, and that was true. My
relationship with AJ left me bitter, and
while I longed for the things Billy wanted
to give me—the relationship I craved with
AJ—I knew I wasn’t ready to be dating
again. “Anyone I see right now, well, it’s
just bound to go bad. I was with AJ for two
years: I can’t shake that in two weeks. I’d
just end up hurting you.”
The look in Billy’s eyes changed. “I really
like you. And whenever I like a guy who’s
cute and sarcastic and perfect for me, the
same thing always happens. He claims he
loves me as a friend, and doesn’t want to
ruin it. Then he dates someone young and
attractive, while frumpy me stays home,
writing sad songs.”
I felt for Billy—I’d been Billy. I don’t know
how many times someone told me they
liked me, but they just weren’t ready for
a relationship—only to be dating some
generic hot dude the next day.
“It’s not that,” I said. “There’s nobody
else in the picture. I’m just not ready.”
“But you might be? Some day?”
I should have told him no, but I
remembered the way he looked at me,
the way I’d wanted AJ and so many boys
before him to look at me.
“I don’t know,” I said, and it was the
truth.
“I want to see you again.”
The next week, we agreed to watch
“RuPaul’s Drag Race” at my place. “Oh!” I
told him when he arrived, “my roommate
James is watching with us.”
Of course, once he saw James—young
and attractive—his mood changed, as if he
could sense that James and I used to have
sex. The three of us watched the episode
in silence, even during the commercial
breaks. (We didn’t even joke about that
pornographic Boy Butter ad.) When the
episode was over, he promptly grabbed his
jacket, and I walked him to my door.
“How long are you going to string me along
like this?” he asked.
“I told you I wasn’t ready for anything,” I
said quietly. “You’re the one who wanted
to get together again. Maybe we just need
space right now.”
“You’re just like everyone else!” He
slammed my door, sent me a nasty text
about how awful I was, and blocked me on
all forms of social media.
Months later, wanting to make up, he
unblocked me—to see I was dating young,
attractive James. He was right—I did what
everyone else had done.
Billy got over it, after a while, and now
we’re friends—and I still spill red wine on
him, every now and then. For old time’s
sake.
PHOTO: STEVE BRENNAN
WEARING: DOLCE & GABBANA TOP

The term “ghosting”
originated in 2011,
but people have
been vanishing from
relationships without a
trace for much longer. It
can be confusing when
someone you thought
you had a connection
with fades away without
a warning, leaving you
feeling sad and angry.
I’m pretty sure I’ve
been ghosted again,
and I’m getting really
tired of it. I just want
to meet someone nice
that I can hang with
and also have sex—I
guess a boyfriend...
maybe. I keep
meeting guys where
it’s very hot and heavy
in the beginning,
texting and sending
pics all the time, then
we hook up once and
they drop off the face
of the planet. I don’t
think there’s anything
weird that I’m doing
sexually, but guys just
disappear. How can I
stop this from
THOMAS
TALKS
ABOUT: GHOSTING
happening? - Male,
Gay, 22
It can very frustrating
when you’re into
someone and they
seem to be too, then
poof, they’re gone!
There isn’t any way to
make someone stay
around or interested
if they don’t want to
be. But you can be
very clear with what
you’re looking for
from the beginning.
Depending on where
you’re meeting people,
you may need to be
even clearer. Sure, you
could meet a boyfriend
on a hookup app, but
you’re also likely to
get a lot of one-time
hookups. Ask people
what they’re looking
for, and then believe
them. If someone says
“just fun,” don’t try and
make them a boyfriend.
If you’re friends with
any past hookups,
you could also ask for
feedback. It’s possible
you’re doing something
in the sheets you’re not
aware of.
I went on a few dates
with a guy. It was fun
and all, but no big
sparks. All of this took
place over maybe
six weeks. I wasn’t
interested, so I just
stopped hanging with
him and hitting him
up. Then he showed
up at my work, caused
a scene, and almost
got me fired. I felt
shitty, because he was
so upset, but I also
thought he was being
very dramatic. I think
I might have dodged
a bullet. At what
point do I need to
tell someone that I’m
over it instead of just
backing off? I don’t
think I did anything
wrong, but similar
stuff has happened
before. - Male, Gay, 21
Tough question! And
I think it’s different for
everyone and depends
on the connection with
the other person. I
would say that it’s OK
to fade away when you
don’t feel a connection,
but when that person
asks you to hang out
again, don’t blow them
off: Be clear you’re
not interested. People
HATE being in the
unknown or feeling led
on. It causes anxiety
and leads people to
act out (like show up at
your work). You might
think you’re being nice
by not being direct,
but you’re actually just
prolonging the end.
Just pull the band-aid
off next time. it’s OK to
not be into someone
and let them know.
Sex/Love/Relationship advice? Send your questions to: ThomasTalksAbout@gmail.com
@ThomasWhitfield84

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