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strengthening our community<br />
Conversations exploring perspectives<br />
coming together<br />
open minded<br />
focused on common good<br />
In less than three weeks, I left one job and lost<br />
another. The business I went to work for was on the<br />
verge of bankruptcy and couldn’t pay me. So, I started<br />
freelancing—as a writer, photographer and graphic<br />
designer—and found myself teaching a college<br />
writing course. But I’d lost all sense of direction. It felt<br />
like there had been a death.<br />
There were long stretches of darkness, alleviated<br />
by pinpricks of light. For months, I was plagued by<br />
pulsing questions. What am I doing? Where am I<br />
going? Who am I? Am I still a journalist? Am I lovable,<br />
employable? Am I enough? My only answer was to<br />
keep living, to put one foot in front of the other and<br />
hope that a path would appear.<br />
I knew I was in trouble again when I started looking at<br />
buying a house in Omaha or Albuquerque. Based on<br />
past experiences, I have one basic rule for myself in<br />
times of crises: don’t buy property or propose.<br />
I didn’t actually want a house. I wanted comfort and<br />
stability, which was also the impetus of my misguided<br />
marriage. Fortunately, since I was newly single, I didn’t<br />
have to worry about proposing to anyone. But what that<br />
meant was, instead of sitting with the uncomfortable<br />
feelings of loss and pain and fear, I took up dating as<br />
a distraction. One of my male friends started calling<br />
these guys my “action figures.” I’d play with them for<br />
a little while, get bored and move on. While I don’t<br />
agree with that assessment, I will admit to not being<br />
in the best state of mind to be dating.<br />
After 21 first dates in 10 months—including fathers,<br />
felons, a nomadic novelist, a bisexual atheist and a<br />
semi-pro athlete who wanted an open relationship<br />
but only for himself—I finally repeated my story<br />
enough times that it didn’t hurt anymore.<br />
I met some people that I liked and cared for and<br />
connected with. Sometimes it felt good just to be<br />
seen. But none of my dates could solve the problem<br />
that disturbed my soul.<br />
Giving up my loft was the final act of surrender. It was<br />
a gift from the Universe during my divorce. It was<br />
proof that I could stand on my own two feet, that I<br />
could make it on my own. It was my sanctuary. Yet, I<br />
thought I could let it go and find peace within myself.<br />
At the eleventh hour, one of my freelance clients<br />
offered me a full-time job with benefits, bonuses and<br />
all the Keurig coffee I could drink. More importantly, it<br />
held the promise that we’d be making a difference. I was<br />
at a crossroads. I could live in voluntary poverty, piecing<br />
together my creative, vagabond existence. Or I could take<br />
my talents elsewhere. Only a week had gone by since I<br />
moved. My downtown loft was still sitting empty. I could<br />
take the job and return to the comforts of home. And<br />
that’s what I did.<br />
I returned home, to myself—to rebuild, again.<br />
I am—just barely—standing on the other side of intense<br />
uncertainty. Some days I still feel lost and like I’m searching<br />
for a guiding light. But here’s the thing about having<br />
everything fall apart: anything’s possible. There isn’t a<br />
path to follow because I am the mapmaker, the stargazer.<br />
I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know this—I<br />
am going to absorb as much joy as possible, here and<br />
now, and wherever I go, whatever I do, I will be supported.<br />
I will move forward with a greater capacity for kindness<br />
and understanding. And instead of waiting for someone<br />
to tell me that I’m a star, I will look in the mirror and see a<br />
constellation.<br />
*A version of this story was originally told live at Beacon<br />
Story Lab events in March and April <strong>2019</strong>. The theme was<br />
Lost & Found.nails. She lives in Le Mars, Iowa.<br />
Ally Karsyn is the founder of Beacon Story Lab, which<br />
creates more courageous, compassionate and connected<br />
communities through the healing art of storytelling. Live<br />
events featuring true stories, music and poetry are held<br />
monthly.<br />
Upcoming Shows<br />
Becoming<br />
7 p.m. Thursday, June 6 at Be Yoga Studio<br />
American Dreams: Stories of how we live, love and work<br />
7 p.m. Friday, July 5 at The Marquee<br />
August date and location TBA.<br />
Fish Out of Water<br />
7 p.m. Friday, September 6 at The Marquee<br />
*Stories ideas will be accepted through July 15. Email<br />
ally@beaconstorylab.com.<br />
Find updates by following the Facebook page for Beacon<br />
Story Lab.
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