Siouxland Magazine - May 2019

We received a random phone call, that my older sister
died in an ATV accident.
The whole day was a blur, yet the most vivid day I can
remember. It started when Jason got a call from a friend
of his that heard Nikki died. I immediately called the
police to find out, but of course they couldn’t tell me,
so they sent an officer. After an hour an officer showed
up and told me and Jason that Nikki was indeed in an
ATV accident and had died. When I asked if someone
has told my dad, the answer we got was, “We were told
he wouldn’t be home.” I then told my remaining family
members that their sister/daughter was dead. I didn’t
even say the words to dad before he was on his knees
begging God for this not to be true, he had just buried
his wife. I told my older brother, over the phone, while
he was at an air show with his wife. I asked him to call
me when he was home, but of course, he could tell it
couldn’t wait. I remember telling my younger sister, who
had just gone back to her home in the cities, since she
picked up an extra shift at work.
Siouxland Magazine | Inspire /31
Mom, Jackie, Me; Christmas time at my apartment in Washington, D.C.
Stacy Rathje (Keith’s wife), Jackie Paulson, Nikki Rathje, Me. Back row:
Keith, Dad, Mom, Christmas 2004
“
I consumed myself with the need
for answers. Why did this happen?
Sometimes the knowing is harder than
not knowing.
”
Nikki’s death being so close to mom’s took away from
grieving mom before getting hit with grief all over again
again.
Nikki was in an accident with another person who walked
away with a minor concussion. How does this happen?
How does life decide that one dies and the other walks
away? How does life decide that the family that lost a
mother will now bury a sister? How does the person
who was in the accident with my sister try to cover up the
accident, voiding my sister the chance to get the help she
needed?
When this person was sentenced for not getting the
appropriate help for my sister and then getting into an
additional accident with my sister while trying to hide
the accident, his “friends” filled the courtroom during the
impact statements. Finding peace in the loss of Nikki has
been a hard one. It may be that I feel the one person that
could have changed the course of her life walked away
with a few months in jail, and made a huge circus out of
my chance to say how his actions changed the course
of my life, but I spend a lot of time thinking about how I
would change the way I spoke that day. Instead of what
I said, I would say,
“______, I am grateful that this courtroom is filled with
all of these people with banners of support for you.
This courtroom is filled by so much support for you that
Nikki’s family didn’t have a place to sit, but I am grateful.
Nikki needed just ONE person to call her help, when she
couldn’t, and that one person was you. Even though this
day was for Nikki’s family to gain some peace from the
decisions you both made, I am grateful you will never
have to feel the loneliness in a desperate time, as my
sister did the day you made the choices you did.”
My future became more and more blurry as the month’s
past. I didn’t know how to plan for a future, without my
mom and sister in it. I continued to listen to what my
mother said, “One minute at a time.” Honestly, the next
few years were a blur.
(Chapter 2 coming in the August issue.)
Samantha Geurts, born and raised in SW Minnesota
has grown to be a wife and mother along with being
a licensed hairstylist, yoga instructor and a full-time
paraprofessional for the local schools.