TRINITONIAN 14 July 2019

If your children are like most, they are masterful at
finding creative ways to wear you down to get their
way.
However, it’s important to understand first and foremost
that it’s natural for children to want what they want and
try to get it at all costs. It’s also natural for us as parents
to get frustrated and tired, and to give in to these
adverse behaviours sometimes – or perhaps more often
than we’d like to admit! Parents have busy lives and lots
of stressors – we can only take so much, after all.
As infuriating as it is for you – for your child, finding
ingenious ways to try and get what she wants or avoid
what she doesn’t want to do, is a way for her to exercise
influence in a world run by adults. (It doesn’t mean
you have to give in, but it’s important to realise that
it’s an appropriate developmental step). Children do
not have adult power yet – most kids can’t make major
decisions like choosing their school or neighbourhood,
for example. Having initiative, drive and passion are
positives, even though it doesn’t always feel that way as
a parent. But keep in mind that these traits can actually
be a force for good if you can help your child to use it
properly, and balance it with self-restraint and respect
boundaries.
Look at it this way: your child’s job is to make demands,
to communicate his desires and to try to get them met
no matter what the means may be. Your job is to not
get wound up by it – and not get capitulated by it,
either. Instead, assist your child in balancing the energy
of his endless wants with self-control and integrity.
MANIPULATION, CONTROL AND DEFIANCE CYCLE
Parents often get frustrated by their kids’ manipulative
attempts to get their way. It’s not easy to remain
calm and level-headed when you feel that your child
is trying to take advantage of you. You might feel
accosted and lose your temper. Or maybe when you
feel disrespected, you withdraw. Or perhaps you try to
avoid conflict and keep the peace, so you give in to
your child’s demands.
Sometimes you might even tighten your grip to show
that you’re in control. Unfortunately, this usually just
invites a power struggle with your child, because she
starts pulling back on the tug of war rope as hard as
she can. If you then tighten your grip more forcefully
and pull back in response, the endless cycle of
manipulation, control and defiance can go on and on.
As a parent myself, I understand that it can be easy at
times to take manipulative tactics personally. You think,
“If she really cared about me, she would never try to
sneak behind my back in order to go to her friend’s
house.” And some parents overgeneralise their kids’
behaviour. They reason, “If he can look me in the face
and deceive me, that means he’s a deceitful person.”
But it’s best not to put too much meaning on these
behaviours – instead, stand up to them.
When we step way back, we can see that our kids can
only manipulate us because we allow their behaviour
to be effective. Children are human – they want to get
their way. (Who doesn’t?) But they’ve learned over time
and through using some typical behaviours such as
emotional blackmail, lying, tantrums, shutting down,
negotiating relentlessly, dividing and conquering or
playing the victim, that they can get what they seek.
Voila – it works! The danger is when those behaviours
become a way of life.
Remember, though, that kids can only manipulate us if
we permit them to. It takes two to tango, but only one
to change this pattern.
So how do we help them and ourselves so that we can
stop the pattern of manipulation?
Here are six tips for parents who are stuck in the
manipulation cycle:
1. Recognise manipulative behaviours
Recognising manipulative behaviours allows you to
not get sucked in by them. Instinctively, as part of
kids’ survival, they come with tools to get what they
want and avoid what they don’t want. These tactics
work when they trigger a reaction in us. It is therefore
important to pay attention to your triggers. For
example, your child might try to emotionally blackmail
you by acting sad until he gets what he wants. This will
be a trigger for you if you believe your job is to keep
your child happy. Start by asking yourself if your job
is to make your child happy or to help him prepare
to cope with life’s curveballs. If it’s the latter, then you
can answer with, “I’m sorry you’re sad, but you’re still
grounded this weekend.”
Other common behaviours include lying, dividing and
conquering, shutting down, screaming “I hate you”, or
“You don’t care about me”, or “That’s not fair!” Don’t
take these statements to heart. Respond with, “ I know
you’re angry with me, but you do need to put your bike
away now.” Or “I know you don’t see this as fair, but
you need to go to bed when I tell you to.”
Some kids will play the victim and say things like, “All
the other kids’ parents let them hang out past 11pm.”
Don’t take the bait! Separate out the emotional content
from what your child is trying to get. Hear her feelings
about being the “only one”, but stand strong on your
curfew time.
The Trinitonian | 15