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a.<br />

L .*.<br />

the<br />

speaker<br />

guilttripped<br />

everyone<br />

into<br />

steppin$<br />

forward<br />

and<br />

$iving<br />

Stuart<br />

what was<br />

in their<br />

pockets<br />

Got a<br />

comment on<br />

the column?<br />

Talk to Wood<br />

at www.<br />

movement.<br />

org.ulV<br />

forum<br />

Wood is a<br />

freelance<br />

writer, living in<br />

Swansea.<br />

ln previous columns, l've talked<br />

about people's stories. l've changed<br />

the names. And, like a lot of columnists<br />

in the confessional game, l've not been<br />

averse to slipping one or two of my own stories in.<br />

You just do that. The important thing is that this<br />

particular story is not about me. I got it secondhand<br />

from the individual in question. This is my<br />

- probably slightly hazy - interpretation of a story<br />

he told me, and so the facts may well be distorted.<br />

Or rather, I really hope they are.<br />

had been attending<br />

a church for some years, which styled itself as a<br />

'NewTestament' church. Charismatic, upbeat, hands<br />

in the air, people speaking in tongues, dancing, that<br />

sort of thing. I make no judgement on that. lf it floats<br />

your boat on the old Sea of Faith, it's fine by me.<br />

My friend - let's call him Stuart -<br />

atlantis<br />

and me<br />

Every so often they'd say how you've 'got to be blessed<br />

to be a blessing,' - they appeared to believe that<br />

you were only able to do good work for the Kingdom<br />

if you were rolling in it and happy and stuff. Stuart<br />

wasn't really happy with that. After one guest speaker<br />

had talked on the whole prosperity kick, Stuart sent a<br />

brief e-mail to the leaders of the church with his concerns.<br />

lnevitably, the reply came that Stuart didn't<br />

understand what the man was saying, and that he<br />

should think about it and pray about it a bit more.<br />

One time Stuart turned up, and it was his birthday.<br />

The sermon was about giving. The speaker got him<br />

to stand out the front, holding a collection basket,<br />

and said something like, 'ls Stuart here your<br />

Christian Brother? Do you love him? Well, it's his<br />

birthday. Come out and give him what's in your<br />

pockets.' And the speaker guilt+ripped the congregation<br />

into stepping forward and giving Stuart what<br />

was in their pockets, one by one. Stuart stood, helpless<br />

like a bunny in the headlights, as five-, ten- and<br />

twenty-pound notes rained into his pot.<br />

He couldn't give it back. He'd been given so much<br />

money that he had no idea who had given him what,<br />

and it was pointless trying to give it back. I must admit<br />

that had I been in this position, it would have<br />

been drinks on me at the pub that night, but Stuart<br />

felt really bad about having been used to guilt-trip a<br />

congregation, and so he gave the money to charity.<br />

And he started thinking about leaving the church.<br />

This is the part of the column where I break from<br />

Stuart's story for a minute to explain about 'love<br />

bombing'. That's when someone new joins up and the<br />

group makes them very welcome. They shower the<br />

newbie with affection and support, both emotional<br />

wood ingham's tales<br />

from the world of<br />

the stran$e and the<br />

christian student<br />

the new testament love bomb<br />

and material. You turn up and within a few weeks,<br />

they've offered you a membership card, and everybody<br />

at church has invited you to dinner. Which<br />

doesn't sound so bad, except that when a member of<br />

the group ceases to toe the party line in any way, they<br />

take away all that affection and support in one stroke'<br />

You get it back if you come back into the light, but if<br />

you don't, they'll never talk to you again.<br />

It was the Moonies that came up with this, but an<br />

awful lot of churches do it. They don't necessarily<br />

mean to do it - it comes naturally. Stuart's church<br />

had a lot of people who were like that. This didn't actually<br />

include the ministers, but it included enough<br />

prominent members of the congregation to make<br />

Stuart feel really uncomfortable about leaving. He'd<br />

heard a whole load of bitching directed against people<br />

who'd left the church and against the churches<br />

they'd gone to, and he began to feel it was a really<br />

big deal. The church had a big deal about authority,<br />

too. You were supposed to listen to their ministers,<br />

prophets and apostles, and if you were a member<br />

- and you had to be a signed-up member to get involved<br />

in church activities - the importance of tithing<br />

your income to the church was hammered home.<br />

So it wasn't just a question of skipping out and going<br />

somewhere else. lt was a really big deal. He spent<br />

a long time wondering whether he could go through<br />

with it. And he couldn't go quietly. People had noticed<br />

that he was edging towards the periphery. He was assigned<br />

to a housegroup. The Bible group leader turned<br />

up at Stuart's place a few times, trying to get him to<br />

attend. The group was called 'Men Sharpening Men'<br />

(no, I honestly don't think that they even realised).<br />

He decided to give the place one last chance. So he<br />

turned up one Sunday and kept a low profile, sitting<br />

right at the back. During this service, one of the<br />

church's 'prophets' stood up between songs and said<br />

that he felt Cod wanted him to encourage everyone to<br />

demonstrate their love for one another. He got down<br />

off the platform and gave the wife of one of the elders<br />

a massive hug. One of the ministers stood up and said,<br />

maybe they should all show their love for one another<br />

while the band played the next couple of songs. And if<br />

there's someone looking lonely or isolated, well, they<br />

should especially give those people hugs. Stuart, not<br />

the physically demonstrative sort at the best of times,<br />

stood, transfixed in horror, as the band began to play,<br />

and everybody in the church started to give each other<br />

warm embraces. He bolted, running a gauntlet of a<br />

half-dozen people who all wanted to hug him. A few<br />

days later, he wrote them a letter resigning his membership,<br />

and he hasn't been back since. I<br />

24 movement

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