Parenta Magazine March 2020

The importance of an apology
The importance of an
apology
To children, we are always the people
who have the answers. They look to
us for guidance and acceptance and
everything they become depends on
what they see and learn from us. For this
reason, it can sometimes feel like we need
to always have it together and that in
order for children to feel safe, we need
to show strength in front of them and
avoid vulnerability. However, as much
as we do need to give children a safe and
stable environment, we need to remember
that we are only human and therefore,
imperfect by nature.
Everybody has flaws and
has times when they get
things wrong. Mistakes are
not the issue. It is how we
deal with them that matters
and if we want children to
understand this, we need
to lead by example. We are
constantly reinforcing the
importance of an apology
when children get things
wrong, but how often do
we actually say “sorry”
ourselves when we make a
mistake?
As parents, practitioners
and teachers, we don’t
have all the answers and
let’s face it, when we finally
feel like we are in control, a
new challenge or situation
comes our way and the
learning curve starts again.
There are days when we
are on form and get things
right and there are others
when we know we could
have been a better version
of ourselves. In these
moments, it is important for
us to own our mistakes and
apologise to the tiny people
that are watching our every
move. Apologising will not
lessen a child’s respect for
us. If anything, it will do the
opposite and make them
feel safer with us, knowing
that we tell the truth and
own up to our mistakes.
It was only last week that
my little boy (who is four
years old) shouted at me
and stamped his feet. I
told him that I felt a little
sad that he was doing
that as I was only trying
to help him. I then gave
him space to calm down.
Two minutes later, he
came and patted me on
the back and said, “Sorry
Mummy, I didn’t mean
to shout at you, I’m just
having a bad day and feel
a bit grumpy”. His words
were my words. The week
before I had apologised
to him in the same way.
Our own behaviour is
never going to be perfect,
but by owning that and
apologising, we teach
children the importance
of this, and give them an
opportunity to do the same.
We cannot hold anyone to
a higher standard than we
can live up to ourselves. If
we expect children to say
“sorry” when they make a
mistake, we too should be
prepared to do the same.
Here are 5 steps to
apologising to a child:
Give an unconditional
1
apology
Focus on why we are sorry
without making it the
child’s fault. By saying “I
am sorry for….. BUT you
were…..” it devalues the
apology. Always own your
behaviour, rather than
pointing the finger.
2
Own your feelings
We are always telling
children that it is okay to
be sad, angry or frustrated.
However, it is not okay to
take these feelings out on
others. However, we are
only human and sometimes
make this mistake
ourselves. When we do, it
is important to own how we
feel, explain this to children
and then follow it up with
12 March 2020 | parenta.com