riverrun Vol. 47

taught me how to believe I wasn’t normal. You sent the anxiety
throughout my body. You made the Benadryl the only thing to help me
stop crying to sleep at night. You destroyed my body, and you broke
the woman I was supposed to be before I could even discover her. I’m
furious with you. I spent every day believing you and trusting you
when there was always so much more to me. My sense for feeling emotions
deeper than those around me? You demonized that trait when I
should have been praising it as a child praises the gift they always
wanted on Christmas morning. I never saw my eyes shine golden in the
sun because of you, I never saw how my smile was the very smile to
cause others joy because of you. I only ever saw a broken girl who
didn’t have purpose when all I ever had was one specific purpose.
This is forgiveness, but this is also a warming of my heart, a
brightening of my smile, a new gold speck inside my eyes. This is it.
The very thing I needed to heal. How you treated me. I hope you never
take control over me in this way again. I’m worthy, of life and love.
I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I am clothed with strength and
dignity. I am an original masterpiece. With God within me, I will not
fall. I will never let you poison my heart. I will love you and I
will fight for you. I will heal you. Every broken piece will find its
place. I will comfort you, I will always remind you of what you need
to hear most: you are meant for so much more, and your life will
never be a mistake. I forgive you with every fiber of my being. I
forgive you.
~
This is my story. Not all of my story, for that is something I hold close to me, and
I’d never be able to fully release it without the tears coming down like rainfall.
The story was never meant to be simple; however, it was meant to break me. I
was to be rebuilt through it. An easy life lacks character, and I would never be
the woman I am today without the pain. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. Do I regret
any of it? Never. Do I wish it were different? Sometimes, but then who would
I be? Would I be the woman who cares about even the worst of people? Would I be
devoted to loving those around me and hearing their stories? Would I feel strong
and powerful? Would I ever fall completely in love with myself? Who knows. I
know that if people didn’t mistreat me, I would have never decided what kind of
friend, partner, and stranger I desired to never be. They taught me to stand up
for those around me, to be honest, to communicate, to fight for the hearts of those
around me when they can’t do it themselves. Everything the people around me
lacked, I wanted to gain for them. To ever make anyone feel what I felt, it just
was never going to be an option. I’ll never be perfect, but I can always strive to be
the best woman I can be. The woman I am meant to be.
I forgive it all.
Sincerely, me.
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