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Children<br />

APRIL <strong>22</strong> - MAY 5 <strong>2020</strong><br />

<strong>The</strong><strong>Trumpet</strong><br />

Helping children cope with Covid-19<br />

bereavement<br />

Page9<br />

As the Conoravirus death toll continues to<br />

rise, more and more youngsters are having<br />

to cope with the loss of a loved one. Former<br />

primary school teacher - Catherine Lynch<br />

of education resources and lesson plan<br />

experts - PlanBee has step-by-step advice<br />

for parents.<br />

<strong>The</strong> daily announcement that yet again<br />

hundreds of loved ones have died from<br />

Covid-19 continues to shock us – as it<br />

should. But for young children, most of<br />

whom are stuck at home without the<br />

distraction of school and socialising with<br />

friends, talk of death can be extremely<br />

disturbing and overwhelming.<br />

As the number of victims continues to<br />

rise – and with age identified as one of the<br />

key risk factors – those lost may include<br />

grandparents, elderly neighbours, or<br />

relatives of their friends. And increasingly,<br />

as the virus takes hold, children are<br />

mourning parents, uncles and aunts.<br />

And for those whose parents and loved<br />

ones are key workers in, for example, the<br />

NHS, supermarkets or transport, there may<br />

be special worries that their relatives are<br />

particularly vulnerable.<br />

If a relative or friend does succumb to<br />

the virus, here is some advice as to how<br />

best to discuss it with your child, who may<br />

be feeling bewildered as well as extremely<br />

sad. <strong>The</strong> challenge is to be honest and<br />

truthful while making your dialogue ageappropriate<br />

and reassuring.<br />

Don’t shy away from difficult<br />

information<br />

Talking about illness and bereavement<br />

are incredibly challenging conversations to<br />

have. It can be tempting to try and shield<br />

children from difficult information, but they<br />

are likely to overhear conversations and<br />

pick up on adults’ emotions. This makes it<br />

highly likely they will become frightened<br />

and confused about the unknown. Where<br />

possible, be honest with children in an ageappropriate<br />

way.<br />

Tell them if a relative is unwell<br />

Talk to them about what is happening<br />

and tell them if someone they know is<br />

unwell. Answer their questions as best you<br />

can. Talk about how you are feeling, if you<br />

are able to. Don’t be shocked or worried if<br />

your child doesn’t seem to engage with the<br />

conversation. Follow their lead, give them<br />

time to process the news and be ready to<br />

talk to them when they approach you.<br />

Use direct language<br />

Talk to your child in simple, direct<br />

language to explain when someone dies.<br />

Avoid comparing dying with falling to<br />

sleep. This can make children incredibly<br />

anxious about going to sleep themselves.<br />

Also avoid euphemisms like ‘we have<br />

lost…’. This can be confusing for children.<br />

You may want to read a picture book about<br />

bereavement together. Stories are excellent<br />

for sharing difficult concepts with children<br />

in an accessible way. <strong>The</strong>y give people the<br />

language to discuss this type of event. You<br />

may find a child will request a book about<br />

bereavement rather than directly ask to<br />

discuss it. Books can seem much less<br />

threatening than having a deep and<br />

meaningful conversation.<br />

Anger is OK as well as sadness<br />

Acknowledge all feelings after a<br />

bereavement. This includes, but is not<br />

limited to, sadness, loss, anger, worry,<br />

relief, guilt, happiness, numbness. Feeling<br />

any of these emotions is normal; none of<br />

them makes someone a bad person. Most<br />

people experience a mixture.<br />

Adults are suffering, too<br />

Expect everyone in your household<br />

(this includes adults) to have times where<br />

everything feels overwhelming. For<br />

children, this may present in more<br />

challenging behaviour as they struggle to<br />

regulate their emotions. <strong>The</strong>y may also start<br />

acting as if they are much younger than<br />

they are, seeking lots of cuddles, wanting<br />

to be spoon fed at mealtimes, demanding<br />

they are given something unrealistically<br />

expensive, and being completely devastated<br />

when something small doesn’t work out as<br />

they hoped.<br />

Accept their feelings of anger<br />

While it can feel frustrating when your<br />

child loses the plot over their brick tower<br />

falling down, remember that they are<br />

processing a lot of complicated emotions.<br />

It is much easier to express anger and upset<br />

over something specific and tangible than<br />

to explain feelings around something as big<br />

and sometimes abstract as the death of a<br />

loved one. If they are seeking much more<br />

attention than usual it may feel smothering,<br />

especially while our support networks are<br />

so different from usual. Arrange video calls<br />

with friends and family and don’t feel<br />

guilty about extra cuddles on the sofa. Try<br />

to engage your support network as best you<br />

can remotely and be kind to yourself.<br />

Remember your loved one<br />

Share memories of the person who has<br />

died. This is especially important at the<br />

moment when only a small number of<br />

family members are permitted to attend<br />

wakes and funerals. You may want to plan<br />

a memorial service for when restrictions<br />

have been lifted. This is an opportunity for<br />

separated families to work together and<br />

may provide a useful thing to focus on.<br />

Say your own goodbye<br />

Holding your own, personal ritual as a<br />

household is a lovely, gentle way to say<br />

goodbye. You could all share a memory of<br />

the person. Encourage your child to draw<br />

pictures or write messages to put in a<br />

memory box; think about what is most<br />

fitting for you and your family.<br />

Possibly most importantly look after<br />

yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself. You<br />

will probably feel a wide range of emotions<br />

and regulating your own emotions while<br />

holding your child’s is incredibly difficult.<br />

Give yourself time to process the loss.<br />

Visit Winston’s Wish or Child<br />

Bereavement UK to access more support<br />

for children and families.<br />

* Catherine Lynch is a former primary<br />

school teacher and now a member of the<br />

senior team at lesson plan and education<br />

resources experts - PlanBee.

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