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Children<br />
APRIL <strong>22</strong> - MAY 5 <strong>2020</strong><br />
<strong>The</strong><strong>Trumpet</strong><br />
Helping children cope with Covid-19<br />
bereavement<br />
Page9<br />
As the Conoravirus death toll continues to<br />
rise, more and more youngsters are having<br />
to cope with the loss of a loved one. Former<br />
primary school teacher - Catherine Lynch<br />
of education resources and lesson plan<br />
experts - PlanBee has step-by-step advice<br />
for parents.<br />
<strong>The</strong> daily announcement that yet again<br />
hundreds of loved ones have died from<br />
Covid-19 continues to shock us – as it<br />
should. But for young children, most of<br />
whom are stuck at home without the<br />
distraction of school and socialising with<br />
friends, talk of death can be extremely<br />
disturbing and overwhelming.<br />
As the number of victims continues to<br />
rise – and with age identified as one of the<br />
key risk factors – those lost may include<br />
grandparents, elderly neighbours, or<br />
relatives of their friends. And increasingly,<br />
as the virus takes hold, children are<br />
mourning parents, uncles and aunts.<br />
And for those whose parents and loved<br />
ones are key workers in, for example, the<br />
NHS, supermarkets or transport, there may<br />
be special worries that their relatives are<br />
particularly vulnerable.<br />
If a relative or friend does succumb to<br />
the virus, here is some advice as to how<br />
best to discuss it with your child, who may<br />
be feeling bewildered as well as extremely<br />
sad. <strong>The</strong> challenge is to be honest and<br />
truthful while making your dialogue ageappropriate<br />
and reassuring.<br />
Don’t shy away from difficult<br />
information<br />
Talking about illness and bereavement<br />
are incredibly challenging conversations to<br />
have. It can be tempting to try and shield<br />
children from difficult information, but they<br />
are likely to overhear conversations and<br />
pick up on adults’ emotions. This makes it<br />
highly likely they will become frightened<br />
and confused about the unknown. Where<br />
possible, be honest with children in an ageappropriate<br />
way.<br />
Tell them if a relative is unwell<br />
Talk to them about what is happening<br />
and tell them if someone they know is<br />
unwell. Answer their questions as best you<br />
can. Talk about how you are feeling, if you<br />
are able to. Don’t be shocked or worried if<br />
your child doesn’t seem to engage with the<br />
conversation. Follow their lead, give them<br />
time to process the news and be ready to<br />
talk to them when they approach you.<br />
Use direct language<br />
Talk to your child in simple, direct<br />
language to explain when someone dies.<br />
Avoid comparing dying with falling to<br />
sleep. This can make children incredibly<br />
anxious about going to sleep themselves.<br />
Also avoid euphemisms like ‘we have<br />
lost…’. This can be confusing for children.<br />
You may want to read a picture book about<br />
bereavement together. Stories are excellent<br />
for sharing difficult concepts with children<br />
in an accessible way. <strong>The</strong>y give people the<br />
language to discuss this type of event. You<br />
may find a child will request a book about<br />
bereavement rather than directly ask to<br />
discuss it. Books can seem much less<br />
threatening than having a deep and<br />
meaningful conversation.<br />
Anger is OK as well as sadness<br />
Acknowledge all feelings after a<br />
bereavement. This includes, but is not<br />
limited to, sadness, loss, anger, worry,<br />
relief, guilt, happiness, numbness. Feeling<br />
any of these emotions is normal; none of<br />
them makes someone a bad person. Most<br />
people experience a mixture.<br />
Adults are suffering, too<br />
Expect everyone in your household<br />
(this includes adults) to have times where<br />
everything feels overwhelming. For<br />
children, this may present in more<br />
challenging behaviour as they struggle to<br />
regulate their emotions. <strong>The</strong>y may also start<br />
acting as if they are much younger than<br />
they are, seeking lots of cuddles, wanting<br />
to be spoon fed at mealtimes, demanding<br />
they are given something unrealistically<br />
expensive, and being completely devastated<br />
when something small doesn’t work out as<br />
they hoped.<br />
Accept their feelings of anger<br />
While it can feel frustrating when your<br />
child loses the plot over their brick tower<br />
falling down, remember that they are<br />
processing a lot of complicated emotions.<br />
It is much easier to express anger and upset<br />
over something specific and tangible than<br />
to explain feelings around something as big<br />
and sometimes abstract as the death of a<br />
loved one. If they are seeking much more<br />
attention than usual it may feel smothering,<br />
especially while our support networks are<br />
so different from usual. Arrange video calls<br />
with friends and family and don’t feel<br />
guilty about extra cuddles on the sofa. Try<br />
to engage your support network as best you<br />
can remotely and be kind to yourself.<br />
Remember your loved one<br />
Share memories of the person who has<br />
died. This is especially important at the<br />
moment when only a small number of<br />
family members are permitted to attend<br />
wakes and funerals. You may want to plan<br />
a memorial service for when restrictions<br />
have been lifted. This is an opportunity for<br />
separated families to work together and<br />
may provide a useful thing to focus on.<br />
Say your own goodbye<br />
Holding your own, personal ritual as a<br />
household is a lovely, gentle way to say<br />
goodbye. You could all share a memory of<br />
the person. Encourage your child to draw<br />
pictures or write messages to put in a<br />
memory box; think about what is most<br />
fitting for you and your family.<br />
Possibly most importantly look after<br />
yourself. Don’t be hard on yourself. You<br />
will probably feel a wide range of emotions<br />
and regulating your own emotions while<br />
holding your child’s is incredibly difficult.<br />
Give yourself time to process the loss.<br />
Visit Winston’s Wish or Child<br />
Bereavement UK to access more support<br />
for children and families.<br />
* Catherine Lynch is a former primary<br />
school teacher and now a member of the<br />
senior team at lesson plan and education<br />
resources experts - PlanBee.