NG8 July/August 2020

The
Lockdown Tale
By the time you read this we may, hopefully, be
starting to get back to normal. For now though,
here’s a lighthearted peek into our lockdown family
life.
All back to ours – 15 minutes after arriving back
from university you couldn’t see an inch of the
eldests bedroom carpet, even the dog nearly broke
its neck trying to get in to say hello. The treat
cupboard emptied within a day and apparently I
have been under-feeding him for 19 years!!! On the
plus side he can now cook and miraculously he
no longer requires any of his clothes to be ironed.
Amazing that!
Son no.2 who is half man, half mattress, joined me
for a dog walk – unheard of BL (before lockdown).
It was lovely until the point he decided to ask if we
could stop so he could roll a cigarette!!!!! Guess he’s
figured out I’m too tired to argue with him (he was
right!). He’s also lost 3kg now he’s not shovelling
Doritos down at a rate of a family bag per day.
I do realise that family time is precious, but if I have
to listen to the futile scraping of a spoon on the
bottom of an empty yogurt pot one more time, while
I’m trying to watch telly, I am self isolating myself in
my bedroom for the next two months!!
Group chats – video chats are great for keeping in
touch, although I did wonder who the scarecrow
was on our work call yesterday, and realised it was
me!
It took my mum and me 40 minutes to set up a
Zoom chat last Thursday. Finally we could see and
hear each other when the clapping started outside
so we had to say goodbye and rush out to join the
rest of the street. Running from the back door to the
front clapping like looneys. The drawbacks of an
over-looked garden.
Grooming – does anyone even bother washing
their hair anymore?...At least I can put mine in a
ponytail. Youngest son now looks like Oscar Wilde
and oldest like a Spandau Ballet throwback. Even
the dogs are suffering. Poor Harry looked like
an electrocuted sheep. Alarm bells rang when I
arrived home, turned on the lap top and saw the last
google search; “can you cut a dogs hair with human
clippers?” …fast forward three days and I can tell
you the answer is yes …but the poor thing looks like
he’s been in an industrial accident with a combine
harvester. Who knew there was such a thing as a
canine mullet??
Shopping – after the initial panic buying nonsense,
we have all settled into a resigned routine around
shopping. More of us are becoming inventive with
ingredients and experimenting. Mushrooms instead
of mince anyone? Rich Tea instead of Hob Nobs? –
actually, no, that is a step too far.
Garden centres are now open which is great news.
However, trying to locate a growbag proved a step
too far and I was reliably informed that compost is
the new toilet roll! The cycle of lockdown life!
Thankfully the shops seem to have remained well
stocked with wine and beer, especially Corona Extra
(mountains of that everywhere). However, we have
avoided shopping as regularly as we normally do
and this led to a red wine shortage and a small
crisis in our house. Whilst emptying the larder
looking for a cashew nut substitute (sunflower
seeds in case you were wondering) I found a
dusty bottle of mixed fruit cider circa 2011, kindly
gifted to us by a home brewing friend. We dusted
it off, popped the cork and convinced ourselves it
tasted perfectly lovely. In all honesty under normal
circumstances we would have probably used it to
clean the drains (sorry Sylvain!), however right now,
any port (or cider) in the storm will do.
© Ali Wale