AA Women's Edition #2

After graduating from college, I worked at JR’s Executive Inn in their sales and marketing office and then at Sun Publishing,
producing sales magazines for the beauty industry. I had found work that was fulfilling and that I was good at. Things were
finally starting to come together for me. While I enjoyed my work, my biggest goal was to have a family of my own. I had a
real need to create my own family and heal some of the wounds of my childhood. I promised myself that I would figure out
how to do it right.
It wasn’t long before I married and began with a very structured plan to have the perfect marriage and family. Although, I
didn’t really know what a healthy marriage looked like, I was sure that if I was smart about it, I could produce one for myself.
The first order of business in my perfect family plan was to have children. I became pregnant quickly but miscarried just
as fast. I was devasted. We grieved the loss and waited to be able to try again. I again became pregnant and with a second
miscarriage everything changed. Now I was terrified. What if everything I had ever wanted and planned for myself wouldn’t
come true? It was a deeply painful time for me. It tested my faith. Why, after all I had been through would God deny me the
family I needed so badly? I did the only thing I knew to do, I found a new doctor and aggressively sought to find a solution.
My next pregnancy came quickly and was helped this time with the pregnancy supporting hormone progesterone and weekly
ultrasounds to monitor the child we called “speck” because we literally watched him grow from just a tiny speck on the
ultrasound.
Although I loved the work I was doing at Sun Publishing, after the miscarriages all I wanted to do was focus on this new life
I had created. With Sam’s birth I began a 10-year period as a stay-at-home Mom. In five years, we had 3 beautiful children.
Being able to give my children everything I had filled an empty place in me. I can remember rocking them in the middle of
the night and promising them that I would never leave them. I needed to be able to be the Mom I didn’t have. Being their
Mom has been the most rewarding and fulfilling part of my life.
As everything was coming together for me, life was unraveling for my Mom. The pressures of her successful career led her to
drink, and she eventually became depressed. She even tried to commit suicide twice during this period. It was difficult to see
someone in the prime of her life and career suffer like that. No matter how much I loved her and tried to be there for her, I
just couldn’t reach her. Shortly after Sam’s birth she moved to Florida, which had always been a dream of hers. Unfortunately,
fulfilling this dream meant that I couldn’t keep an eye on her.
Just 19 months after Sam was born, we welcomed our second son, Jack. Sam and Jack’s births were like night and day. Sam
was born in the winter to an inexperienced mother. Jack was born in the summer to much more emotionally prepared mother.
This time I knew what to expect. But what was a beautiful time in my life quickly became dark when I received the call
that my Mom had attempted suicide again. Jack was just 3-weeks old, but we flew to Florida in the middle of the night to find
her on life support. After several tests, we determined that she was brain dead, and we had to let her go. The following year
was the kind of stuff that you don’t even think you can survive, but you just do. I credit little newborn Jack with giving me the
reason to get up every day and carry on. I cried many tears over his little body, but he was a happy and easy baby. Sometimes
God gives you just what you need during the worst times in your life. Meeting the demanding needs of a newborn and toddler
were just enough to keep me going.
18
Just after Sam’s birth-2001
Stay at home mom with Sam--2002
Last photo of Mom--
just after Jack was born--2003