SNN_August 2020 Issue FA_low res

NEW ZEALAND SPINAL TRUST 16
autonomic dysreflexia and I am on my way to having a
heart attack. I need to get home to my emergency
medication. Now”.
He looks stunned. I go blind.
(Silver lining: He listened. He took us home)
Blurs, flashing lights, panicked voices. I’m lost in the dark
and can’t get enough of a mental foothold to come back.
Shit is this it?
It can’t be. I didn’t even kiss and hug Willie goodbye. Or
Brad. Or Anna. Or Nick, Toots or Leigh.
No way. This is NOT it.
I get enough of a foothold to focus on my breathing.
Deeper, slower. After a minute, I can talk again.
“Sharon. Pain killers. On fridge. GTN spray. On bedside
table. Get them. Quick”.
She runs. She’s crying. Leuila Is running up the
driveway… I’m so glad it’s changeover of shift time. Four
hands are better than two.
I’m gone again. No warning.
Then I’m back, confused. Trying to make sense of
everything through the headache.
“Get me on the bed, quick. Check my bladder and bowel.
Emergency catheter change. Now”.
Shit even I sound a bit panicked now. I can hear it
reflected in their voices. In the sound of them dropping
medical supplies and their hurried breaths.
“Guys. You’re doing great. Deep breaths K. We got this”.
They’re crying. But I feel their energy change. Refocus.
This time I do make a smile for them.
“Leuila. Emergency catheter change. Sharon. Call an
ambulance”.
I’m gone.
I’m back. This headache, I hate it. Why can’t I see? I’m
sweating. I hear Sharon panicking on the phone.
“Give me the phone Shaz, it’s ok”.
She holds the phone to my ear.
I’m blind. Talking hurts. But I can do it. I can’t hear the
operator. My heart is beating fast, and loud. I think it’s
ripped itself out of my chest and someone’s shoved it back
into my head. How is my heartbeat so loud?
“Ambulance please”.
I talk to the man on the other end of the line. He doesn’t
understand the urgency. I’m calm, I explain. Slowly.
Words are hard. My lungs. They want to rest.
My head is ready to explode. I see white....and the pain
stops for a second. The pain, its rallying its forces for the
next attack. I relax....I start planning for the worst.
“Sharon. I don’t have a will. It all goes to Brad for Willie
K?”.
“Yes T”.
I’m gone again... I slip
away quietly this time. One
loud, painful heartbeat
overwhelms me. A dam
bursts in my head...and I’m
carried away on the flood
as the light fades.
They’re crying again. I quietly join in. I know Brad will be
fair and give my family anything they need.
I’m gone again... I slip away quietly this time. One loud,
painful heartbeat overwhelms me. A dam bursts in my
head...and I’m carried away on the flood as the light fades.
I’m yanked back roughly. I’m in the ambulance. Beeping
machines. A kind face. Her lips are moving but I can’t
hear her. I smile. The headache is so much quieter. I can
breathe again. I fill my lungs.
YES!
I see the blood pressure monitor.
220/177. Shit.
(Silver lining: I’m still here)
I blink heavily...I’m gone again. I don’t think I’m coming
back this time guys. Sorry.
So many regrets. But they float away with me. We
disappear. I remember the sound of rushing water, and
everything fading to black… Including me.
It’s silent, and dark… I feel like I’m waiting, but I don’t
know what for.
Stubble on my cheek. I feel it.
I feel it?
I open my heavy eyelids.
Brad. Hugging me gently. Sammy behind him, smiling
with teary eyes. I’m in the hospital.
Wait...I’m waking up?
I feel.... I can actually focus my eyes.
My mind too. Headache’s smaller. It’s more like the
neighbour’s bass playing on a Friday night now, instead of
The Prodigy playing at the base of my skull.
Whoa that feels good. I feel lighter. Pain easing. Blood
pressure settling. Inhale...lungs filling.
YES!
Eyes close…exhale and smile.
I’m not going anywhere tonight.