Divorcing a narcissist: read the contents plus chapter 1

Divorcing A Narcissist – The Lure, The Loss And The Law
tool to use in their own relationships. Alternatively, as adults, they may become
afraid of seeking the spotlight, and seek to affirm their sense of specialness by
basking in the glow of another. It’s easy to see how NPD can be passed down
the generations in this way. Do you recognise this belittling personality in your
mother-in-law or father-in-law?
3. Using children as admirers
In these households an Exhibitionist Narcissistic parent uses their children as
their fan club. The children are brought up to idealise the parent, placing them
on a pedestal, and worshipping them. They are taught not to out-do the parent
or seek admiration for themselves, and they are demeaned, criticised and devalued
if they do. In return for this adoration, the narcissistic parent rewards
them with attention, praise and conditional love. These children can grow up to
become so called ‘Closet Narcissists’. They have been unwittingly taught narcissistic
values and beliefs (and the associated abuse tactics), but tend to shy away
from the spotlight, achieving their own sense of specialness or importance by
associating with those who they admire. They find may themselves re-enacting
their childhood role in their adult life as the supporting actress or actor in another
Exhibitionist Narcissist’s show, possibly with their boss or partner. If your
partner is a narcissist, they may still, even as an adult, fawn over the brilliance
of their mother or father, having never developed appropriate boundaries and
behaviours. Do they constantly still defer to their parent? Does it feel uncomfortable,
watching this dynamic?
4. The overvaluing parent
These parents, possibly in a misguided attempt to raise their child’s healthy
self-esteem (maybe as a result of the so-called ‘self-esteem movement’), see
their child as unique and extraordinary. These parents idealise the child, inflating
their achievements and bragging about them, holding up the child as
being flawless. They over-estimate the child’s qualities, and over-praise them,
lavishing them with applause even when the child doesn’t perform well. They
believe their child to be cleverer than they actually are. It may be that the child
internalises their parents’ inflated view of them and comes to believe that they
are unique, extraordinary, superior to others and entitled to privileges. Could
this be your partner’s upbringing? Do your in-laws still brag about your partner,
disproportionately?
The crux of the matter – narcissistic supply and the False Self
If there’s only one concept you take from this book regarding understanding narcissists,
the concept of Narcissistic Supply should be it – because this underpins every
single thing that a narcissist does.
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