MDF Magazine Issue 64 April 2021

Random gravity
checks
The monkey on
my back
By Andrew Marshall
Howzit guys,
I just thought I’d tell you about how I’ve been feeling for
the last few months, because if I feel this way I’m sure
some of my other boatmates will have had similar feelings
and/or experiences. Or maybe I’m just a fruitcake with
a bunch of extra nuts mixed in.
The past year was a crazy, chaotic rollercoaster, and
2021 seems to be following in its footsteps. I have always
had anxiety, depression and panic attack issues, but this
season of total uncertainty for people like you and me
– who are at a more pronounced risk of getting really ill
and potentially kicking the proverbial bucket – has been
next level. I’ve written a couple of blog posts about how
I’ve been convinced I’d caught the big bad bat flu. I titled
them Psychosomatic Insanity One and Two because my
mind was bombarded with doom and gloom. As I said,
I was convinced!
The first time I must just have had a cold, because I was
coughing and feeling like hell (and only a smidgeon of
its impact could be chalked up to man flu, I swear, cross
my heart). When I tested negative my brain was pretty
broken. Ever since then I’ve had a feeling of inevitability
hanging over my head, which is quite ridiculous because
some 50 million people (and that I think is a conservative
number) is a hell of a lot of people to run through, and
even if the Covid death numbers doubled, or tripled, that’s
still a boatload of people to work through. Statistically
I know the chances are smallish. But, that being said,
it’s still out there, with the potential to kick our bums.
I don’t think it is death I’m so worried about. Look, Covid
doesn’t look like a pleasant way to bite the big one, but
then again I’ve never really thought of pleasant ways to
face the final frontier. I think the main thing I’m concerned
about is that I have a lot more stuff I want to do. I keep
on having these incredibly big ideas about how I could
contribute to the world. Like my tablet project (which
has been put on the back burner – thanks, Covid) or
teaching parents of disabled kids not to totally wrap
them up in cotton wool but to give them their wings and
let them fly. (I still intend pursuing both these avenues.)
Another thing contributing to my anxiety is something
I have been dealing with for most of my life ‒ lack of
control (I suspect many of you have similar feelings).
And I’m not just talking about losing the remote control
and having to watch Strictly Come Dancing reruns. Um,
well, I sort of am ….
You see, we’re losing the ability to do different stuff all
the time. Like writing, walking or perhaps just talking
coherently. Chuck in the small stuff like losing the remote
and it all just compounds.
I’ve found that a few things exasperate the monkey that
generally lives relatively quietly on my back, and I know
that if I feed it food it will never die. One of the main
monkey foods that charges my anxiety is watching too
much news. I feel the media has blown the whole Covid
thing a bit out of proportion in an attempt to sensationalise
it, and even if they are close to reality and we should
all put our heads between our thighs in an attempt to
kiss our posteriors goodbye, I don’t think the constant
fixating on something that consumes your head and
heart is healthy. At the start of the pandemic I was totally
immersed in Covid news on TV. I still watch a bit every
day, because I believe that knowledge is power, but now
it is getting under my skin.
So, here are a few things that I’ve been doing to try and
get my mind off Covid.
Please excuse my privilege, but I’ve been able to see
(on Skype) a few psychologists and counsellors, and
they have really and truly helped me start to digest all
this. Okay, therapy doesn’t get your mind off it, but it’s
really good to express your thoughts and feelings to a
neutral, trained professional who doesn’t judge you ‒ to
talk stuff over and get different perspectives and explore
some ways I would never have thought of to cope. (It
was the psychologist who asked me if it was death I was
afraid of, or having little control.) I’m also lucky to have a
wide variety of friends as my sounding boards. My best
friend, Sand, who now lives in the UK but whom I chat
to regularly, gives me different perspectives and calls
me out when I’m being a spanner (but let’s face it, that
seldom occurs).
I also love watching sport – cricket in particular. I find
watching the ebb and flow of the games really interesting
and even a little therapeutic. Now, I can read some of
your minds responding, “I’d rather watch the lawn grow”
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