Living 50 Plus 2021

How To Talk to An Aging Parent About Difficult Subjects
(Or How Not To Talk)
I am an aging parent, therefore I am fully qualified as an expert on this subject. When my 33-year-old son walks into our
house and says: “Mom, you and dad need to downsize. All this stuff you’re saving for me that you think I want, well, I don’t.”
With a will of their own, my head rolls and my arm extends, palm facing him; I can’t help it. Talk to the hand, son. For his
information, I am still his mother and I have NOT relinquished my parental authority to HIM. And while this young man
is one of the most important pieces of my life, in reality I feel that he knows nothing about my life. He doesn’t know my
routines or my schedules, he can’t name most of my friends, and yet he fancies he knows what I need. Do I sound defensive?
You better believe it. He is not the boss of me.
Different scenario: My son is home for a visit. He is fully prepared for the difficult conversation of telling me that my
stuff is not valuable to him. He thinks we need to downsize because his generation is more focused on experiences than
possessions (by the way, this is something we think we taught him). How much more receptive would I be if he began with:
“Mom, I think a lot about you and Dad and your upcoming retirement. Have you made plans? What do you want to do?” I
don’t seize up because he has not challenged the fact that I am the one in control of my life. He is asking my opinion. More
importantly, he is showing an interest in my future plans and not trying to make them for me. He is asking, not telling, and
that leads to a reciprocal conversation.
During this conversation, he can plant seeds, but as any good gardener knows, seeds grow better in fertile soil and that takes
some preparation. He lives in Florida, the land of snowbirds, seniors and retirement communities, so he can mention a
community and ask if that is a consideration for us. He can ask us to educate him about options and discover if we are really
in the planning phase regarding retirement or are still in that nebulous “we want to travel when we retire or develop new
hobbies” stage. If he is smart, he will use the strategies that I used on him when he was a child……. He will make me think
and subtly guide me towards a good decision, with me all the while thinking I am the one doing the planning.
He will appeal to my love for him and make me feel loved in return. At his age he is unfamiliar with terms such as advance
directives, supplemental insurance, powers of attorney, living wills, etc., but he can share the experiences of his friends and
coworkers such as parents never sharing information with their children about finances, where important papers are kept,
never expressing what their wishes are should they be unable to speak for themselves. He can tell me how important it is to
him that he knows and implements my vision for my future if I am unable to do so. I will then sing his praises to my friends
about what a good son he is and how he loves his mom. (Sigh….) The truth of the matter is that our son truly does love us
and wants what is best for us, but is unable to see our lives through our filter, only his.
Calls come in weekly to Carlyle Place from adult children who have decided that Mom and Dad need to be in a community.
These calls are usually the result of a health scare or a realization that Mom and Dad are slowing down, and almost never
result in parents actually coming in for a tour, much less making the move. The exceptions are when Mom and Dad have
assigned their children to collect information, or the very rare occasion when they have relinquished the decision-making
aspect of their lives to the family.
As aging specialists and life plan counselors, our job at Carlyle Place is to determine what our future residents really want,
not to make the decisions for them. We get to know Mom and Dad. The most important thing we do is LISTEN to the vision
each prospective resident has for his or her future, and then we can truly educate about options. We learn about the needs
and wants and oftentimes the fears we all share about the aging process. We show absolute respect for each person’s opinion
throughout the journey, even if we don’t agree. Adult children, please learn from us and our processes. We call it discovery
and education; you’ll call it a blessing.
Carlyle Place
5300 Zebulon Rd, Macon, GA 31210 478-405-4500 carlyleplace.org
July 2021
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