October 2021 Parenta magazine

Hearing “No”
“Put your coat on”
“No”
“Put your coat on, you have to, it is cold
outside.”
“No!”
What do you do next?
“Eat your vegetables”
“No”
“Eat your vegetables, you have to, they are
good for you.”
“No!”
What do you do next?
“Get down from there.”
“No”
“It’s dangerous. Get down from there. You
might fall.”
“No!”
What do you do next?
‘No’ is a very powerful word. It is especially
powerful to people whose lives are
primarily controlled by someone else. If
you are a child it is likely that someone
else decides when you go to bed, when
you get up, when you eat, what you eat,
what you do and so on.
Perhaps you have heard someone say “I
just can’t say ‘no’.” My bet is that they are
an adult fully in control of their lives.
Consider the experience from the point
of view of the child, after the ‘what
happens next?’. If in each case their no is
ignored: their coat gets put on anyway, the
vegetables are spooned into their mouth,
they are lifted down from the top of the
wall. What does that teach them about the
power of their spoken ‘no’?
What they learn is that saying “no” doesn’t
work.
What comes next makes logical sense.
If you want to say “no”, but saying “no”
doesn’t work, then you move on to
showing ‘no’. Perhaps you shout, perhaps
you pull away, perhaps you lash out, you
kick, you punch.
Isn’t it an interesting position we find
ourselves in as the adults in these
conversations? Each one is justifiable. They
do need their coat on. They should eat
their vegetables. And they must get down
before they fall.
But it is important that children learn that
saying “no” works.
We do not want them to learn that
escalating their ‘no’ works. That is, we
do not want to change our position in
response to the ‘no’ being shouted. We
understand that if we crack once, then
they are much more likely to learn that
shouting is a way to get their own way.
We have to take a step back. Is our aim to
teach them that adults are in charge and
they should do as we say because we are
right? Or is our aim to guide their decisions
about their own life and keep them safe? It
is the latter of course!
Direct instructions are an easy first option,
if the child puts their coat on, eats their
vegetables and gets down from the wall
we’ve kept them safe and warm and fed
them a healthy diet. Oh if only it were so
easy!
As wonderful as a child that follows
instructions without quibble sounds, just
consider for a moment the dangers that
might lie in such compliance for them in
the future. We want them to question, to
consider, to reason, and to know how to
say “no” should they ever need to, and to
have the expectation that their ‘no’ will be
heard and respected.
We are the adults and are in a position to
reflect. It is useful to let spoken ‘no’s work
on occasion. If you know the child ate lots
of vegetables at lunch time and really
genuinely hates broccoli, then perhaps this
exchange could be:
“Eat your vegetables”
“No”
“Oh, you don’t want to eat these? They are
good for you.” (Saying “you don’t want to”
is important as it underlines that you have
heard and understood what they meant
when they said “No”)
“No”
“Hmm, well you did eat lots of vegetables
at lunch time so I think it would be okay for
you to leave these.”
We are not simply letting the child get their
own way, we are picking times when it is
appropriate to teach them that their verbal
‘no’ is powerful, and should be respected.
If we are not in a situation where this
is appropriate we can use other work
arounds so that the situation doesn’t lead
to a stand-off. Choices and control are a
powerful tools for doing this.
Choice:
“It is dangerous up there, do you want me
to lift you down or can you climb down on
your own?”
(Whatever their answer, the result is you
directed them to get off the wall).
Control:
“It’s very cold outside. Brrr! When we go out
there we will feel cold. What can we do to
stay warm?” (Giving the lead up information
about how we will feel outside, and using
expressions like “Brrr” to give the child
time to consider what we are saying, is
important before leading into the question).
“We could wear a coat!”
“Good idea! Where are our coats?”
A child saying “no” is not naughty and
defiant, they are road testing a skill you
want them to have. Hearing their ‘no’s and
teaching them their effectiveness is a part
of keeping them safe.
Jo provides in person and online training to
settings looking to enhance their inclusive
practice. For more information visit www.
TheSensoryProjects.co.uk where you can
also find resources to help you include
children of all abilities. Jo is active on social
media and welcomes connection requests
from people curious about inclusive
practice.
Joanna Grace
Joanna Grace is an international
Sensory Engagement and Inclusion
Specialist, trainer, author, TEDx speaker
and founder of The Sensory Projects.
Consistently rated as “outstanding” by
Ofsted, Joanna has taught in
mainstream and special school settings,
connecting with pupils of all ages and
abilities. To inform her work, Joanna
draws on her own experience from her
private and professional life as well as
taking in all the information she can
from the research archives. Joanna’s
private life includes family members
with disabilities and neurodiverse
conditions and time spent as a
registered foster carer for children with
profound disabilities.
Joanna has published four practitioner
books: “Multiple Multisensory Rooms:
Myth Busting the Magic”, “Sensory
Stories for Children and Teens”,
“Sensory-Being for Sensory Beings”
and “Sharing Sensory Stories and
Conversations with People with
Dementia”. and two inclusive sensory
story children’s books: “Voyage to
Arghan” and “Ernest and I”. There is
new book coming out soon called ‘”The
Subtle Spectrum” and her son has
recently become the UK’s youngest
published author with his book, “My
Mummy is Autistic”.
Joanna is a big fan of social media and
is always happy to connect with people
via Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn.
Website:
thesensoryprojects.co.uk
18 October 2021 | parenta.com
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