Woodbridge Advertiser/AuctionLists.ca - 2021-12-22

PAGE TWELVE THE WOODBRIDGE ADVERTISER CURRENT JANUARY 2022
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The Reader, The Writer, and
The Lion
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the
other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the
reader but ignores the writer.
Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps
while a reader digests.
The Anxious Poodle
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend
is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m
nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
The Impatient Flea
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s
Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she
moves closer to the front.
She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an
elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says
testily,
“I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!”
A Penguin Walks Into…
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and
asks the bartender,
“Have you seen my brother?”
The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look
like?”
A Panda Walks Into…
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts.
Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads
for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back,
“I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda:
“A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-andwhitecoloring.
Eats shoots and leaves.”
SUNDAY, JAN. 23
9:30 AM – 3 PM
Oxford Auditorium &
Mutual/Market Buildings
• Small Antiques • Old Tin Toys • Dolls • Advertising Signs • Country Store Items
• Vintage Paper Items • Bottles • Coca-Cola Collectibles • Books • Tools
Often with over 10 vendor tables
www.collectorshows.ca
A Grasshopper Hops Into…
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says,
“You’re quite a celebrity around here. We’ve even got a
drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You’ve got a drink named
Steve?”
Chicken Prep
A man walks into a restaurant and says,
“How do you prepare your chickens?”
The cook replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ‘em
they’re gonna die.”
A Duck Walks Into a
Drugstore
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of
ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be
$1.49.” The duck replies, “Put it on my bill.”
Lunch Break
When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical
thing: I panicked and called my father.
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I
shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and
crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—
the squirrel ate his way out of the house.
Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his
way in.
Flying Problems
A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot.
The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a
Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke.
After a few minutes, the bird yells,
"Where’s my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight
attendant rushes over with their drinks.
Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives
the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman
joins in:
"Yeah, the service stinks!"
Heritage Antique Market
at Centerpoint Mall
January 1 2022
6464 Yonge Street at Steeles Toronto, Canada
heritageantiqueshows.com
Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the
hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle
toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man,
"Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."
Two babies are sitting in
their cribs…
Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby
asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”
The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”
“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his
crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath
the blankets. After a few seconds, he resurfaces.
“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.
“How can you tell?”
“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”
Fast Friends
My husband was driving home from work when he was
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—
same ticket, same cop.
“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”
“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to
take a different way home from work.”
The One About The Stand-in
Gorilla
When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor
to don a costume and act like an ape until the zoo can
get another one.
In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and
draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition
and atop the lion’s cage, infuriating the animal.
But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip
and falls into the lion’s cage.
Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late.
The lion pounces, opens its massive jaws, and whispers,
“Shut up! Do you want to get us both fired?!”